Part 13 (1/2)
”You two are cute together.” Roxie says, eyeing us up and down.
Jordon laughs into my hair, as he nuzzles his face into my neck, pressing a kiss against it. My body is still tingling all over and is hyper-sensitive from the heavy make-out session we had on the bus. It has never been so hard to not give in and beg him to f.u.c.k my brains out.
”So are you two 'official' yet? Or still claiming to be just f.u.c.k buddies?” Roxie asks mainly keeping her attention on me. She has this look in her eye, like she can see there's more between us than just s.e.x.
I hate how she just tells it how it is, refusing to let me live in denial. Ever since I talked to her about Jordon and the feelings he's evoking in me, she has been on my a.s.s to talk to him. She thinks I should see if he wants to take this to the next level.
In all honesty, I'm scared he likes keeping it casual and asking for more will scare him off. He has thousands of gorgeous women throwing themselves at him every day. His career is taking off right now with their new single quickly climbing the charts right behind ours.
”We're just having fun.” I answer quickly. I don't want Jordon to feel put on the spot.
His body tenses around me momentarily then relaxes again.
What the h.e.l.l is that about?
”Whatever. I think you two are in denial. From where I stand, it looks a h.e.l.l of a lot more than just having fun.” Roxie doesn't ever hold back from calling me on my bulls.h.i.+t.
Jordon pulls me tighter against his body with one arm, while taking a long pull from his beer with the other, ”I'm not the one in denial, but I'll take Brittan any way I can get her...so.” He says pressing another kiss to my neck, before smacking me on the a.s.s. ”I'm going to see if the guys are up for some pool.” With that Jordon is walking away and leaving me with my head spinning.
His words. .h.i.t me hard and send me off balance.
”What the h.e.l.l just happened?” I ask Roxie as I plop down on the outdoor lounge.
Roxie glances over her shoulder towards Jordon and our bandmates with their lady friends for the night. They're busy setting up my outdoor pool table. I can't take my eyes off of him. His words keep bouncing around in my head Leaning back on her hands, Roxie gives me a knowing smile, ”Girl, don't act like you don't know. That guy is so into you it's as if he's walking around with neon lights across his forehead that say I want to be with Brittan. You need to stop living life with your blinders on and open your d.a.m.n eyes. For the first time since Cane, you have a chance to be happy.”
Shaking my head, I rub my hands over my face and let out a long sigh, ”This is all just happening too fast. The two of us together,” I say waving my hands between Jordon and me, ”spells disaster! We're touring together. What if something happens and he decides he doesn't want me anymore. I can't risk having us at each other's throats for the remainder of this tour, and then possibly a European one too!”
Sadness momentarily consumes Roxie's face before a small smile curls up at the corners of her lips. Pressing her hand over mine, she looks from me back out to the ocean.
”You should know better than anyone Brittan that life is too short. We're never promised tomorrow. I think you will forever wonder what if after this tour ends if you never give Jordon a chance.”
”I know that! I tell myself this every day. I just I don't think it's fair for Jordon to be with a woman who buried her heart the same day she buried her fiance. He deserves someone who can give him their entire heart and love him unconditionally. I just don't think I can do that. I already had my one true love, my soul mate, and he's gone. G.o.d doesn't give you two; that's why it's called one true love, Roxie.”
Blowing a puff of air out between her firmly pressed lips, Roxie snaps her head at me so fast I think I just got whiplas.h.!.+
”BULLs.h.i.+T!” Roxie growls at me as she furrows her brows; her eyes burn into mine making me fidget where I sit.
”What?!” I shout a little louder than I want, causing everyone to turn their attention towards us for a second before returning their focus back to the game of pool going on between Beyond Redemption and Tempting Tomorrow.
It looks intense but not as intense as the conversation going on between us at the moment.
Setting her drink down, Roxie rests her hands on her hips and glares at me, ”You know what. I'm calling this whole reasoning pure and utter bulls.h.i.+t!” Snapping her head towards Jordon she says, ”I think he could be perfect for you, and you are refusing to even give him a chance.”
”It's not bulls.h.i.+t and you know it. I'm doing Jordon a favor by keeping this thing between us uncomplicated. One day he'll find a girl who he can fall in love with and who will be able to love him back. But that girl is not me. End of discussion.”
Roxie rolls her eyes and lets out an aggravated moan. Sitting down beside me, she gulps down the rest of her beer before turning her eyes onto me.
She looks p.i.s.sed. Actually, past p.i.s.sed. My best friend looks like she's about to reenact the scene from the Exorcist and have her head start spinning around on her G.o.d d.a.m.n shoulders.
”You seriously can drive me insane. Why the h.e.l.l are you so f.u.c.king stubborn?! This is not what Cane would want for you. The idea that you can only love one man is ridiculous. Jordon likes you; anyone can see that. You're pus.h.i.+ng away the only guy I've ever seen give you that spark in your eye when you're around him, besides Cane. It's sad...truly sad, Brittan.”
Before I can say anything and respond to what my best friend has just said to me, she stands up and walks over to where everyone is partying.
Here I sit with my jaw on the ground, trying to wrap my head around the total b.i.t.c.h slap of words Roxie just hit me with.
Needing to get some s.p.a.ce from everyone to try and clear my head, I go inside to get another beer before heading down to the beach to think.
I can barely think straight with all the voices bouncing around inside my head right now. I feel like my head is too full of everyone else's thoughts, and I can't hear my own opinion on the matter.
Stepping into my living room my feet feel like they're stuck in quicksand. My eyes are glued on the image before me: Two women who came here with the guys from backstage are kneeling on my living room floor doing rails of c.o.ke.
Seriously! They brought drugs into my f.u.c.king house.
The urge to kick both their a.s.ses out of my house and then do the c.o.ke they have cut for themselves is overwhelming.
The temptation before me is at the worst f.u.c.king time. I have so much pain and confusion buzzing around inside of me right now. The thought of numbing myself with c.o.ke is almost too hard to resist.
Memories of myself in that exact spot flicker before my eyes. I've lost count of how many nights I spent in this house getting higher than a f.u.c.king kite, before I landed my a.s.s in rehab. This house is like a tomb full of my dead skeletons just lying around every corner taunting me.
I feel like every step forward I take with recovery I end up taking five steps back.
I lick my lips and rub at my nose as the urge to fall to my knees and snort every last drop consumes me.
Squeezing my eyes shut, I try to think about all the reasons why I can't get high. The first thing that comes to mind is Jordon.
I promised him I'd stay clean after he promised to not let anyone throw my a.s.s back in rehab.
Then Cane.
I promised to be the woman he loved and not the sh.e.l.l of one I've become over the last eight years.
It's really hard not to give in to my cravings when they're bringing chicks back to my house that are carrying the s.h.i.+t around with them. Then they decide to get high in my f.u.c.king living room.
Taking a deep breath, I blow it out slowly as I storm into my kitchen and grab another beer. I run back past them and out onto the deck as if my house is on fire. I need to get away from this house, the memories, the drugs and the temptation taunting me at this very moment.
If I don't get away from it, I'm going to turn back around and walk into that room and get high.
Running down the stairs as fast as I can, I sprint towards the water and don't stop until I feel the waves was.h.i.+ng up onto my bare feet.
I plop my a.s.s in the sand and leave my feet just far enough out so the warm salty water hits my toes. With each wave that rolls in and then washes out, my toes are buried deeper in the sand.
Moonlight is the only light s.h.i.+ning down on the beach and illuminating across the water. Almost the entire beach is pitched black giving me the privacy I need.
No one can see me here so I can be alone with my thoughts. I'm trying to get a grip on this panic attack that is consuming me at the moment, before I have a total freak out.
Lost in thought, I'm startled when the sound of someone walking up behind me causes me to jump. Spinning around, I spot Jordon walking towards me with his hands stuffed in his jeans pockets.