Part 32 (2/2)
By saying over another ten, thoughtfully p.r.o.nouncing the prayers with care, he might make up for all the beads of the rosary which he had mumbled without understanding them.
And he tried to turn the crank, but as soon as he had got out the Pater, he wandered; he was obstinate in wis.h.i.+ng to grind out the Aves, but then his mind gave way and became thoroughly distracted.
He stopped, thinking, ”What is the use of it? besides, would one set of ten, however well said, be equal to five hundred prayers that have missed fire? and then why one set of ten and not two, why not three? it is absurd!”
He grew angry; ”After all,” he concluded, ”these repet.i.tions are absurd; Christ positively declared that we should not use vain repet.i.tions in our prayers. Then what is the object of this wheel of Aves?”
”If I dwell upon such ideas, if I cavil at the injunctions of the monk, I am lost,” said he suddenly; and by an effort of will, he stifled the revolt which was rumbling in him.
He took refuge in his cell; the hours lengthened interminably; he killed the time by recapitulating all the same objections with all the same answers. It was a repet.i.tion of which he was himself ashamed.
”So much is certain, that I am the victim of an aberration,” he said. ”I do not speak of the Eucharist; there my thoughts may not be exact, but at least they are not maddening, while as for this question of paternosters!”
He confused himself so much that he felt hammered like an anvil between these two opposing ideas, and finally sank drowsily on a chair.
Thus he pa.s.sed the time till the hour of vespers and supper. After this meal he returned to the park.
And then the slumbering dispute revived and all came back. A furious battle was raging within him. He remained there, immovable, astounded, listening to himself, when a rapid footstep approached and M. Bruno said to him,
”Take care, you are possessed by the devil!”
And as Durtal, stupefied, did not answer,
”Yes,” he said, ”G.o.d sometimes allows me intuitions, and I am certain at this moment that the devil is working in you. Let us see, what is wrong with you?”
”I ... I do not know myself;” and Durtal told him of the extraordinary conflict about the rosary which had been raging in him since the morning.
”But this is madness,” exclaimed the oblate; ”it is ten beads the prior ordered you to tell; ten rosaries would be impossible.”
”I know it ... and yet I doubt still.”
”Always the same tactics,” said M. Bruno; ”contriving to render disgusting the thing you ought to do. Yes, the devil wished to make the rosary odious to you by crus.h.i.+ng you with it. And what is there besides?
You do not wish to communicate to-morrow?”
”True,” replied Durtal.
”I thought as much, when I was watching you at supper. Ah! well, after conversions the Evil One is at work; and it is nothing, believe me; he was harder on me than that.”
He slipped his arm under Durtal's, and leading him to the auditorium, begged him to wait, and disappeared.
Some minutes afterwards, the prior entered.
”Well,” said he, ”M. Bruno tells me that you are suffering. What is it, exactly?”
”It is so stupid that I am ashamed to explain myself.”
”You will never astonish a monk,” said the prior, smiling.
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