Part 32 (1/2)

”Then a Pater, ten Aves, and a Gloria are nothing; it is not heavy as a penance!”

And then he answered himself, ”But it is much for you, for you cannot even attempt so much without wandering.”

He was turning on himself without advancing a step.

”I have never felt such hesitation,” he said, trying to pull himself together; ”I am not stupid and yet I am fighting against my good sense, for it is not a matter of doubt, I know it, I ought to say ten Aves and not one more!”

He remained nonplussed, almost frightened at his condition which was new to him.

And, to get out of the difficulty, to silence himself, he thought of a new idea to conciliate both parties, which seemed most concise and which presented at least a provisional solution.

”In any case,” he reflected, ”I cannot communicate to-morrow if I do not complete my penance to-day; in the doubt, the wisest course is to yoke myself to the ten rosaries; later I shall see; if necessary I shall be able to consult the prior. It is true that he will think me an idiot if I speak to him of these rosaries! so I shall not be able to ask him that!”

”But then, you see, you admit yourself, it can only be ten beads!”

He was furious with himself, and for silence' sake rushed upon the rosary.

He might well shut his eyes, and try to collect himself, it was impossible for him at the end of the second ten to follow his prayers; he hesitated, forgetting the large beads of the Paters, losing his way in the small beads of the Aves, stamping on the ground.

To check himself, he thought of transporting himself in imagination at each dose, into one of the chapels of the Virgin which he loved to attend in Paris, at Notre Dame des Victoires, at St. Sulpice, at St.

Severin; but these Virgins were not numerous enough for him to dedicate each set of ten to them, so he evoked the Madonnas of the early masters, and, absorbed before their images, he turned the windla.s.s of his prayers, not understanding what he mumbled, but praying the Mother of the Saviour to accept his paternosters, as she would receive the lost smoke of a censer forgotten before the altar.

”I cannot force myself any more,” he said. He left this toil worried and crushed and wanting to take breath; there were still three rosaries to exhaust.

And as soon as he had stopped, the question of the Eucharist, which had been dropped, came up again.

”Better not to communicate than to communicate badly;” and it was impossible that after such debates and with such prejudices he could properly approach the Holy Table.

”Yes, but then what shall I do?--in reality, was it not monstrous of me to dispute the monk's orders, to wish to carry them out in my own way, to take them up at my convenience! If this goes on, I shall sin so much to-day that I shall have to confess again,” he said.

To break through this feeling, he threw himself again upon his wheel, but then stupefied himself completely; the device he had tried to keep himself before the Virgin at least was used up. When he wished to abstract himself and to bring up a recollection of Memling, he could not succeed, and his lip-prayers, wearying him, distressed him.

”My soul is worn out,” he thought, ”I should do well to let it rest, while I stay quiet.”

He wandered round the pond, not knowing what to do next.

”Suppose I go to my cell!” He went there, tried to become absorbed in the Little Office of the Virgin, and did not grasp a single word of the phrases he was reading. He went down and began to prowl about the park again.

”This is enough to drive me mad,” he cried--and mournfully he exclaimed, ”I ought to be happy, to pray in peace and prepare myself for to-morrow's act, yet never have I been so restless, so upset, so far from G.o.d!

”But I must finish this penance!” Despair seized him, and he was on the point of letting all go; he mortified himself again, and compelled himself to tell the beads.

He finished by despatching them; he was at the end of his powers. And he immediately found a new means of torture.

He reproached himself with having moaned the prayers negligently, without having even seriously tried to follow their meaning. And he was on the point of beginning the rosary over again, but in the face of the evident folly of this suggestion he pulled himself up, refused to listen, and then he worried himself again.

”It is none the less true that you have not literally fulfilled the task a.s.signed you by the confessor, for your conscience reproaches you for your want of reflection and your wandering.”

”But I am half dead!” he exclaimed. ”I cannot go through the exercises again in this condition!”--and once again he ended, by giving a casting vote, and finding a new weakness.