Part 33 (1/2)
”Well, I know precisely, I am certain that you gave me ten beads of the rosary to recite every day for a month, and, since this morning, I have been arguing with myself against all common sense, to convince myself that my daily penance is to be the rosary ten times.”
”Hand me your rosary,” said the monk, ”and look at these ten beads; well, that is all I prescribed for you, and all you have to recite. So you have told all the beads ten times to-day?”
Durtal signified a.s.sent.
”And naturally you were perplexed, you lost all patience, and ended up by rambling.”
And seeing Durtal's pitiful smile,
”Well, listen to me,” declared the father, in an energetic tone, ”I absolutely forbid you for the future to begin a prayer again; it has been badly said; so much the worse, go on, do not repeat it.
”I need not ask you if the idea of abstaining from communion occurred to you, for that comes of itself; it is there that the enemy directs all his efforts. Do not listen to the devil's voice which would keep you away; whatever happens you will communicate to-morrow. You should have no scruple, for I command you to receive the Sacrament; I take it all upon myself.
”And now another question; what sort of nights have you?”
Durtal told him of the awful night of his arrival at La Trappe, and of the feeling of being spied upon which had awakened him the day before.
”We have long known these manifestations, they are without imminent danger; do not therefore let them trouble you. At the same time, if they continue you will let me know, and we will not neglect attending to them.”
And the Trappist left quietly, while Durtal remained thinking.
”I never doubted that those phenomena were satanic,” he thought, ”but I did not understand these attacks upon the soul, this charge at full speed against my reason which remains untouched, and yet is overcome; that is remarkable; if only this lesson may be useful to me so that I may not be unhorsed on the first alarm!”
He went up to his cell again and a great peace fell upon him. All had died down at the voice of the monk; he now only felt surprise at having been off the rails for hours; he understood now that he had been a.s.sailed unawares and that the struggle had not been with himself.
He said his prayers and lay down. And, suddenly, the a.s.sault began again by new tactics he had not guessed at.
”No doubt I shall communicate to-morrow,” he said to himself; ”but ...
but ... am I prepared for such an act? I ought to have collected my thoughts in the day-time, I ought to have thanked the Lord for having absolved me, and I have lost my time in nonsense.”
”Why did I not say that just now to Father Maximin? how is it I did not think of it? Then I ought to have confessed again. And this priest who will give me the communion, this priest!”
The horror which he felt for this man increased suddenly and became so vehement that he was astonished. ”Ah, but there I am again knocked about by the enemy,” he said, and he went on:
”All that shall not prevent me from receiving the Heavenly Bread to-morrow, for I have quite decided; only how frightful it is that the Spirit of Malice should be allowed to oppress and hara.s.s me without respite while I have no sign from Heaven which does not interfere, and I know nothing.
”Ah! Lord, if I were only certain this communion would please Thee! Give me a sign, show me that I may ally myself with Thee without remorse; let the impossible take place so that, to-morrow, it may be a monk and not this priest....”
And he stopped himself, astonished at his boldness, asking himself how he dared ask for, and indicate a sign.
”It is idiotic!” he exclaimed; ”in the first place, no one has a right to claim such favours from G.o.d; and then, as He will not grant my prayer, what shall I have gained? I shall infer from the refusal that my communion will be worth nothing!”
And he prayed the Lord to forget his wish, excused himself for having formed it, and wished to convince himself that He should not take it into account, and, helped by the agitations of the day, he ended by falling asleep as he prayed.
CHAPTER IV.
When he left his cell he said to himself, ”This morning I shall communicate,” and these words, which should have thrilled him through and through, woke no zeal in him. He remained dull, tired and caring for nothing, feeling cold in the depth of his being.