Part 6 (1/2)
”No,” ses I, ”that ackounts for it. The pesky critter has been playin one of his cunnin tricks on me; but my name ain't Jack Downing ef I don't expose him. No true const.i.tus.h.i.+nal Teliskope will giv such a view as that of the Union.” So I sot down and took out my jack nife, and went to work takin it all apart. I found the box all rite; there warnt enything in the tube, and I was puzzlin myself what could be the matter, when I slipped up the magnifying gla.s.s, and rite back of it was a little bit of a _paper n.i.g.g.e.r_, black as the ace of spades, that _that feller Seward had cunninly slipped in there_! You see that at once ackounted for the hull troubbel, for the magnifin gla.s.s reflected the n.i.g.g.e.r instead of what it would, naterally, the white man. After I took the n.i.g.g.e.r out, it was all rite agin, and wen Linkin looked thru it, he was perfectly astonished. ”Now,” ses I, ”Kernel, you see that it is tryin to put the n.i.g.g.e.r where he don't belong that is the cause of all our trubbel. He don't belong in the Const.i.tus.h.i.+n, and when we undertake to put him ther it won't work. This trick of Seward's jest shows you what he's up to. Now, Kernel, I'm going to start for Downingville arly to-morrow mornin, and I'll leave you this Teliskope so you can take a look at the Union _as it was_, and don't you let Seward or Sumner, or any of them fellers, get hold of it. Wen you get puzzled, jest go and look thru that, and you may depend upon it it will lead you strate. If you get inter eny deep troubbel, write me and I'll give you my advice, or ef you can't get along without me, I'll come back after the Fourth is over, and stay with you till you get out of this sc.r.a.pe with the rebils. I told you I would stick to you, and I will.” So I bid good bye to the Kernel and his wife that nite, reddy to start in the early train in the mornin.
I intend to give you a full ackount of the celebras.h.i.+n of the Fourth at Downingville. Insine Stebbins, of the Downingville Insensibles, who writ the piece of poetry on Mrs. Linkin's ball, and who was wounded at Chickenhominy and c.u.m hum with a furlong, is to be orater of the occas.h.i.+n. Jerusha Matilda Jenkins, the darter of Deacon Jenkins, and who went down to Port Roile to teech the contrarybands their primers, will also be there. The Insine is a very smart chap, ef he is a n.i.g.g.e.rite, and I expect he'll do himself creditable.
Excuse this long letter, and beleeve me
Yours till deth,
MAJER JACK DOWNING.
LETTER XII.
_The Major Disappointed--Meets the President at West Point--Sees Gen.
Scott--They Talk over Strategy--Returns to Philadelphia with the President--Makes a Speech at Jersey City--Mr. Lincoln also Speaks-- Meets Seward at the Astor House--A Wheel within a Wheel--Mr. Seward Caught._
DOWNINGVILLE, July 5, 1862.
_To the Editers of The Cawcas.h.i.+n:_
I don't beleeve ther is enything that so sorter gets all my runnin-gear out of order as onsartinty. Wen I writ you last, I was jest leavin Was.h.i.+ngton, and wen you come to hear how I've scooted round the country sence, you will be astonished. You see I hurried on hum as fast as I could go, because I wanted to get to Downingville in time to see that the arrangements for the 4th were got up in the rite stile. But wen I got to Boston, I was struck all up in a heep by gettin a telliegraff from Linkin, tellin me not to go eny further till I heerd from him.
That puzzled me terribully, and I was in an awful state of onsartinty.
Thinks I to myself, now there's sumthin up. What on arth can it be? Has that feller Stantin been cuttin up eny more of his capers? But I was so puzzled that I couldn't imagin wat was to pay. But I waited a few days, and then I got a letter from the Kernel, in which he sed he wanted me to meet him at West Pint with Ginneral Scott, as ther was sum grate struttygy goin on which he wanted to advise about. Then I knowed ther was sum trubbel sumwher, so I jest packed up my trunks and tuk the ralerode for Allbanee, so as to c.u.m down the North River to West Pint.
I got ther in the nite, jest afore Linkin c.u.m, arly in the mornin.
I didn't sleep a wink, but jest went rite over the river in the one hoss ferry-bote they've got there, and waited at the depow for the Kernel. He was eenamost as glad to see me as he was wen I fust went to Was.h.i.+ngton. He tuk me by the hand, and ses he, ”Majer, I feel a good deal safer wen you're around, for I know you won't deceeve me.” Ses I, ”Kernel, that's what I never do to eny man. Ef he don't like my plane talk, then he needn't heer it, but ef I talk at all, I must talk out the blunt truth.” ”Wal,” ses he, ”Majer, we will go over and see the old Ginneral, and then I will lay all my trubbel before you.”
[Ill.u.s.tration: ”He sed he jest c.u.m out to see and be seen, and didn't intend to blab enything about public affairs.”--Page 111.]
After we got our brakefast, we went to the old Ginneral's room, and, takin out the maps, we went at it. I never studied geographee faster in my life than we did then. The Kernel sed the news from Ginneral McClellan was that he would be compelled to go to the Jeemes River for his supplize, and the grate quests.h.i.+n was, whether he cud turn his right wing around so as to swing agin the river jest like opening a barn dore. Ginneral Scott sed he thought it mite be done, provided it was done quick enuff. I telled em I hed often noticed that wen I opened one barn dore all at once there would c.u.m a gust of wind, an open would go the other in spite of all I could do. Ses I, ”Kernel, ef the rebels should pitch at the left wing while the rite is swingin, then both dores would be open, an they might both get off the hinges.” Ginneral Scott sed he was afrade it might work that way, but ef the thing c.u.m to the worst, he didn't see eny help for it. You see, the army nigh Richmond was in a t.i.te fix, an Linkin knew it. Wen the Kernel telled Ginneral Scott how it was, the old man cried, and sed he didn't want to live to see the rebils whip that grate army. The whole country have been in a grate fogo about what Linkin went to see Scott about, but that was all. Wen he went away the next day, he sed he wanted me to see Seward, an ef Ginneral McClellan got defeated, advise with him as to what to do. So I went with the Kernel back as far as Filadelfy, where I thought I stop a few days to see how things would turn out. Wen we got to Ja.r.s.ey City, the people wanted the Kernel to make a speech. He sed first he wouldn't go out, but finally the cheers got so loud that I telled him he must go. ”Wal,” ses he, ”Majer, I can't. You jest go and tell em that I am too tired.” So I stepped out on the platform and swingin my hickery around, ses I, ”Feller-citizens, the President has been up two or three nites travellin, and he ain't abil to speak. You must excuse him.” Wen they heered that, it didn't suit em at all, and a good meny yelled out, ”Who are you?” Then I remembered that I had forgot to tell em who I was. So I stepped out, and ses I, ”I'me Majer Jack Downing.” Then you had ought to hev heered em cheer, and Linkin, you know is a queer feller, and wants to know all that's goin on, so he c.u.m out to see what was the matter. After he c.u.m out, of course, he couldn't back out of a little speech. He sed he ”jest c.u.m out to see and be seen, and didn't intend to blab enything about public affairs.”
The whistle soon sounded, and off we went. Nothing happened on the way, and I bid the Kernel good bye in Filadelfy, and went to the Continental Hotel to wait and see how the battle c.u.m off. They have n.i.g.g.e.r waiters here, dressed up like Quakers, and that is the reason they call it a Continental hotel--so they say.
In a few days I saw how the battle had turned, and I knew Seward would be along. The Kernel sent me a telliegraff that he would be at the Aster House such a day, and I agreed to meet him there. I was determined to smoke the old fox out this time, ef it was in my power, and so I began to study him. Weed was there, who thinks he is very cunnin, and Governor Morgan and others. McClellan bein compelled to retreat from Richmond, they all thought that France and England would interfere, and what was to be done? Seward sed we must put the best face on matters we could, and raise more men to fight the rebils, and that by showin a bold front we might frighten off the Uropean powers.
He sed he thought it might all be settled in ”sixty days” yet, and ef McClellan couldn't settle it by fightin, he could by deeplomacy. He sed ”he would run the machine as long as ther was a linchpin left, and let John Bull and Looe Napoleon do their best.” Weed wanted to know, ef we had a war with England, wether it wouldn't be better to have it carried on by contrack. He thought the government might let it out and make money by the operas.h.i.+n. He sed he could furnish the powder and shoddy, and wouldn't charge over five per cent. commission. Gov. Morgan sed he was in favor of a war with England, and as it would be mostly a naval fight, the government would need a good menny vessels, and he had a brother who was a capital judge of sich matters. Stetson sed he thought a war with England would improve bizness in York, specially hotel-keepin, and as the Aster House was handy down town, it would be a first-rate place for officers' head-quarters.
After they all got through, they asked me my opinion. I turned rite to Mr. Seward, and ses I, ”Boss, I'm goin to speak plane.” Ses he, ”That's rite, Majer. No one can find fault with you. You're a loyal man, and you've a rite to speak your mind.” ”Now,” ses I, ”in the first place, Boss, I want to ask you a plane quests.h.i.+n. We all know you are runnin the government machine, and whenever I look at a machine, I want to know what the drivin wheel is made of. You see if that is all rite, things will go putty nigh rite.” Ses Seward, ses he, ”Majer, I've got a model of my machine here, and ef you would like to look at it you kin.”
So he took out a little curious-looking box, and out of the box a machine. It was a cute-lookin affair. ”There,” ses he, ”do you see that big wheel?--that's the drivin wheel.” I looked at it, an I see it was marked aroun the rim, ”The Union and the Const.i.tus.h.i.+n.” ”Wal,” ses I, ”Boss, that looks all rite. Eny machine that runs on that basis must be runnin rite. But,” ses I, ”somehow it don't seem to work well. We ought not to get into so much trubbil ef we were jest runnin on the old const.i.tus.h.i.+nal basis.” ”Wal,” ses he, ”Majer, you see so it is.” ”Now,”
ses I, ”Boss, there's somethin rong sumwhere. Either the ile is poor or the stuff is bad, or our government machine on that basis would run jest as slick as greese.”
The more I looked at the machine the more it puzzled me. I knew what a fox Seward was, an I remembered how he stuck the little n.i.g.g.e.r in Linkin's Teliskope. So all at once the old sayin that ”there's allers a wheel within a wheel,” popped into my hed. I didn't say it out loud, but I sed, ses I, ”Boss, will you let me see whether there ain't sumthin rong about that?” Ses he, ”Sartinly, Majer--go ahed.” So I jest out with my jack knife an went at it. I tuck it all apart. Wen I went at the wheel I saw the Boss begin to wince, but I went rite on, an purty soon I saw, sure enough, the outside wheel was only a sham, for the rale wheel which run the government machine was marked ”HIGHER LAW--ABOLITION.” ”Now,” ses I, ”Boss Seward, I'm done with you. Here's a wheel within a wheel, jest as I expected. It shows what an infarnal hypocrite you are, and ef you're a mind to fite John Bull or the South, or all the world, as long as you run on that wheel, I won't help you.”
So I jest tuck my hickery an went out of the room. You never see such a dumbfounded, scart set of men in your life, an Seward looked as ef he would craul through an auger hole. I c.u.m rite on after that to Downingville, but I didn't get here in time to see about the arrangements. The Insine made his oras.h.i.+n and Jerusha sung the oad prepared for the occas.h.i.+n. My letter is so long that I can't tell you enything about it, but wen I rite agin I may, ef sumthin more important don't happen.
Yours, till deth,
MAJER JACK DOWNING.