Part 5 (1/2)
Linkin ses ”he warn't skeered a hooter, but was only rarin mad.” At any rate, he looked awful savage, and ef he had had my axe, I ralely believe he might have split rails enough to fence the Southern Confederacy in.
I had intended to be back to Downingville before the first of June, but Linkin says he won't hear of my goin until he sees more daylight down South. I must be there the 4th of July, at any rate, for I never allow that day to go by without reviewin the Downingville melisha.
Your friend,
MAJER JACK DOWNING.
LETTER X.
_The Major Troubled with his old Complaint, the ”Rumatics”--He Examines the Finances--Mr. Chase Frightened--The Major Figures up the Accounts on His Slate--Returns and Shows the Result to Mr. Lincoln--He is Astounded--The ”Kernel and the Majer” Take Some Old Rye--The Major Proposes to Return to Downingville to Spend the 4th of July._
WAs.h.i.+NGTON, June 8th, 1862.
_To the Editers of The Cawcas.h.i.+n:_
SURS:--It has been mity onpleasant wether sence I writ you last, an I have had a rale sharp twinge of the rumatics. These cold rains in June are hard on a const.i.tus.h.i.+n that has had a tussle with nigh on to about eighty winters; but howsever, with a little elder bark tee, my favorit remedy wen it's mixed with a good deal of old rye, I've got now about as good as new agin. So the other day I telled Linkin I was going to finish up my sifering on the financies. He sed he wished I would, for he was alreddy beginning to think about laying the foundas.h.i.+n for his nex message, an he wanted the facts to put in. So I telled him he must give me a letter of authority that I might show the Seckatary of the Treasury, so that he would see that I warn't eny common chap coming to pry into what was none of my business. So Linkin sat down an writ a letter as follows:
”DEAR SUR:--Majer Jack Downing is authorized to examine into the state of the financies _in partickelar_.
”A. LINKIN.”
Wen the Kernel first writ the letter, he didn't have on the last two words in italicks. I asked him to put 'em on, an he did. ”Majer, what do you want them words for?” ”Wal,” ses I, ”Kernel, them words will puzzle Chase eenamost to death, an will so trubbel him that he will think ef he dares to keep back the truth, that you'll be sure to give him his walkin papers. You see, Kernel, you must be a little mysterous with these pollyticians, or else they don't get afeered of you.”
I then put the letter in my hat, rite under the linin, an, takin my slate under my arm, and my hickory in my hand, I started for the Treasury buildin. It aint far from the White House, an I soon got there. It's a mity big pile of stones, I tell you, and must have cost a heep of money to have got it fixed up so nice. Jest as I was goin in the door, I met Mr. Chase comin out. He knew me an I knew him, tho' he didn't suspect for a minnit what I was after. Ses he, ”Majer, I'm mighty tickled to see you. It does my heart good to see a genuwine loyal man in these days of rebellyn, an I know you're one.” ”Wal,” says I, ”Mr. Seckatary, ef Ginneral Jackson was a loyal man, then I'm one, and ef he warn't loyal then there ain't eny sich thing as loyalty.” Ses he, ”Majer, you're rite, an what kin I do for you this mornin?” ”Wal,”
says I, ”Mr. Seckatary, I've come around to inquire into the state of the financies. The President ses he's very busy, an bein as I was good at figers, he wanted me to jest take a look at the books an see how the ackounts stand.”
Wen I sed this, I see he didn't look pleased at all. He began to make sum sort of apologies, that the ackounts were behindhand, and so on, but I telled him I warn't partickelar about all the little items, an that I only wanted to get at the ginneral sum; but as he still seemed to be hesitatin, thinks I to myself, now's the time to show him the President's letter--that will fix him, sure. So I took off my hat and showed it to him. Wen he red it he was as perlite as a n.i.g.g.e.r wen he wants to humbug you. He looked at it a long time before he sed enything. Wen he did speak, ses he, ”Majer, what do these last words 'in partickelar' mean?” ”Wal,” ses I, ”I don't know as I can tell. The President put 'em in there, and I didn't ask him what he meant by 'em.”
You see, I warn't goin to be fool enough to let him think I had suggested his putting 'em there, for that would have spoilt all my plans. I see he was worried, an that was jest what I wanted.
After that he asked me to come in his office, and he began to tell me that the financies were in a very prosperous condishun. He took down a big book which he sed his clarks had prepared for him, so that he could see every Sat.u.r.day night jest how much the Government was in debt. I took a look at it, but I couldn't tell head nor tail to it. He sed they kept their books by dubbel entry. I telled him that I should think that a single entry would be as many times as such a debt as ours ought to be chalked down. ”Now,” ses I, ”Mr. Seckatary, I want to get at this subject in a way that 'plain people,' as the Kernel says, can understand it.” Ses I, ”What is the debt now?” ”Wal,” ses he, ”it is $491,000,000.” ”Is that all?” ses I. ”Why, in your report last winter you estimated that it would be $517,000,000, and you don't say that it is less than the estimate.” ”Wal,” ses he, ”Majer, that is what the books say.” ”Now,” ses I, ”Mr. Seckatary, them books by dubbel entry ain't worth a peck of saw-dust. There was Deacon Doolittle's son, Hosea, of Downingville, who went to York and set up the dry-goods business. Wen he failed, his books showed that he was worth two hundred thousand dollars, and yet he didn't have money enough to get his wife hum to his father's. You see dubbel entry is a good deal like riding two horses at once; you can't manage 'em, and things get so kinder mixed up in profit and loss, and notes payable and notes receevable, that you can't tell how you stand. Now,” ses I, ”Mr. Seckatary, I want to ask you some quests.h.i.+ns by single entry, and I will put the ansers down on the slate.” Ses I, ”Didn't you say in your report that the estemate for the army was for 400,000 soldiers, $400,000,000; for 500,000 soldiers, $500,000,000, and so on?” ”Yes, Majer, that was the statement, I beleeve.” ”Wal, now,” ses I, ”we can figer this down in short meter.
How many soldiers have you had?” ”Wal,” ses he, ”over 600,000 have been paid for, nigh about 700,000.” ”Now,” ses I, ”Mr. Seckatary, you don't want any dubbel entry, or threbbel entry to get at that; the multiplicashun tabel is just as good a doc.u.ment as I want. Take that and my slate, and I ken figer it up in a minnit. You see, there is $700,000,000 at one slap. Your books may show what you have paid, but you see, Mr. Seckatary, you are running this war on credit, and because you ain't paid all your debts, that is no sign that you won't have to.
Besides,” ses I, ”Mr. Seckatary, you have made, you know, some miscalculashuns, and mebby you may make more. In your first report in July, 1861, I've ben readin it keerfully, and I've got it marked down on the slate here, you sed the expenses for 1862 would be $318,000,000, but in December, you said they would be $543,000,000. Now, here was mistake of over $200,000,000. You sed in July, the tariff would yield $57,000,000. In December you said you could not calculate on over $32,000,000. You estemated the receipts from land sales, in July, at $3,000,000. You cut it down in December to $2,300,000; and now Congress, by pa.s.sing the Homestead bill, will whittle it all off. Here, you see, are some great mistakes, but there are some on the other side of the account. There are some items of expenses, too, which you have omitted. There's the $30,000,000 recently pa.s.sed to settle up Cameron's ackounts. Then there is a $100,000,000 of outstandin debts. Then there is $100 bounty to each soldier, which, by the time the war is over will amount to $100,000,000 anyhow. Then there is $1,000,000 given to buy the n.i.g.g.e.rs in this District. Let us see how much that makes. I'll add it up--$250,000,000, which, added to the $700,000,000, makes $950,000,000, as the present debt Uncle Sam has on his shoulders. You might just as well call it a THOUSAND MILLION OF DOLLARS and be done with it.”
Wen I got through, the Seckatary looked amazin red in the face, and ses he, ”Majer, the truth is, where there is so many peopul spendin money its mity hard to keep track of all the items.” ”Wal,” ses I, ”there ain't only one more pint on which I want to show you you have made a mistake. In December last, you calkelated that the war expenses for 1863 would be $360,000,000, but the House has already pa.s.sed bills for the army amounting to $520,000,000. Then you thought, Mr. Seckatary, that the war would be ended by July, but here it is about that time, and we only seem to be jest fairly getting into the shank of the fight.”
”Wal, to tell the truth, Majer, this war has disappinted the hull of us, but I think I havn't been so foolish as Seward. I never sed it would end in 'sixty days.'”
”That's so,” ses I, ”but you see there's nothin like tellin the truth rite out, and its allus very bad to deceive the people on money matters. You may love the n.i.g.g.e.rs, Mr. Seckratary, as much as you want to, but don't try to pull _the wool_ over white folks' eyes, or let other people do it, for it will break down the administration as sure as my name is Majer Jack Downing.”
”Wal,” ses he, ”Majer, that's so, and when I send in my next report, I'm goin to jest speak rite out. I've tried to do my best to keep down expenses, but I can't, and when I get another chance I'me goin to put the blame where it belongs.”
Ses I, ”That's rite, Mr. Seckratary. Don't let the raskils git clear without bein exposed. But ef you undertake to cover up their tracks, you will come out jest as old Squire Biddle did in that United States Bank matter.”
I then bid the Seckratary ”good mornin,” and started back to the White House. He was very perlite to me, and said he hoped the President and me would look at the subjeck favorably. I telled him that the Kernel would do what was jest rite, and that ef he would only keep a sharp lookout on the plunderers and stealers, I would be his friend till deth. He sed he would, and we shook hands and parted.
Wen I got back Linkin sot in a cheer fast asleep, with his feet up on a tabel. I giv the tabel a rap with my hickory, and the Kernel stratened up jest like openin a jack nife, and ses he, ”Was I asleep, Majer?”
”Yes, jest as solid as a saw-log. What on arth makes you sleep,” ses I, ”rite in the middle of the day?” ”Wal,” ses he, ”Majer, the truth is, I was readin the Nas.h.i.+nal _Intelligencer!_” ”Sure enuf,” ses I, ”that's worse than opium.” ”But,” says he, ”what about the finances?” Then I showed him the slate, and how I had figered up the debt, and told him all I sed to Mr. Chase. I never see a man so fl.u.s.trated as Linkin was.