Part 6 (2/2)
LETTER XIII.
_The Major Returns to Was.h.i.+ngton--Things Get Mixed Up--Lincoln and the Panther--Splittin Rails and the Union--The Major and the President Visit Gen. McClellan's Army--Going up James River--Alarm of the Rebels--Exciting Scene on Board the Boat--n.o.body Hurt--The President Reviews the Troops at Harrison's Landing--The Return Trip--The President and Party Bathe in the Potomac--Almost a Catastrophe--The Major's Life-Preserver--The Moral of it--The President Proposes a Conundrum._
WAs.h.i.+NGTON, July 21, 1862.
_To the Editers of The Cawcas.h.i.+n:_
Wal, here I am back agin to Was.h.i.+ngton. I didn't expect to c.u.m on before fall, at eny rate, but I got a letter from Linkin, tellin me he couldn't do without me, no how. He sed that the bars were all down since I left, and that the cattle, an hosses, an hogs, an sheep, an mules, were all mixed up together. Now, every farmer knows what a mess it makes of it wen you git fat cattle, an the cows, an the sheep, an hosses, an hogs, all muddled together in one lot. I see, at once, the pickle Linkin was in, an so I detarmined to push off for Was.h.i.+ngton once more, an see ef I couldn't help him out. It was oncommon hot wether, an it pulled down purty hard on a const.i.tus.h.i.+n which has had to go thru about eighty sich summers. Howsoever, no one ought to stand about hot wether in the sarvice of his country, even ef he don't git a salary, or have a contrack, or some brother or son where he kin make a pile. I never had a cent for all I've done, and wouldn't take it. I think, ef there is any human critter on arth who is meaner than another, it is the one who plunders the people, all the while purtending to be a patriot. Wen I arriv, ses I, ”Kernel, what's the matter?” Ses he, ”Majer, did you ever hear of the story of a man who caught a panther by the tail?” Ses I, ”Yes, Kernel, I have.” ”Wal,” ses he, ”I'm that man. I've got the biggest he-panther by the tail that you ever heerd tell of. Ef I was splittin rails I'de know jist what to do.”
”Why,” ses I, ”Kernel, what could you do then?” ”Wal,” ses he, ”jest stick his tail in the crack of the log, knock out the wedge, and run.
But you see, Majer, I ain't splittin rails now, an that plan won't work.” ”Now,” ses I, ”Kernel, you ain't splittin rails, but I'm afeerd you're splittin somethin else.” Ses he, ”What?” Ses I, ”THE UNION!”
”Now, Majer,” ses the Kernel, ”you don't think I want to split the Union, do you?” ”No,” ses I, ”I don't know as you're raley _tryin_ to split it, but then you've been such a splitter all your life, that perhaps you are doin it unbeknown to yourself. You see, Kernel, as long as you stick to them Abolis.h.i.+nists, jest so long the Union will not only stay split, but the split will grow wider. They are the wedge an you are the mallet. You jest knock the wedge out, an the Union will c.u.m together jest like shuttin up a jack-nife. You see, they hold that some of the States have got an inst.i.tus.h.i.+n which they consider rong, and they are detarmined to uproot it. In tryin to do that, they'll split everything all to smash, an by the time they get thru, it will look as ef lightnin had struck this country from Maine to Texas, in spots not more than six inches apart.”
”Wal,” ses the Kernel, ses he, ”Majer, that brings up a great moral quests.h.i.+n, as the n.i.g.g.e.r said when he was stealin chickens, an we ain't got time to discuss it now. You see, Majer, I sent for you to know what I better do about McClellan. I git all sorts of contradictory stories from his army, an I'm puzzled most to deth to know what to do.” ”Wal,”
ses I, ”Kernel, there's nothin like goin in the field yourself, an examine for yourself ef you want to know how things stand.” ”Wal,” ses he, ”that's jest what I've been thinkin of, an as you're a military man, I wanted you to go with me.” I telled him I had no objecs.h.i.+n to goin, an that ef I had a fair chance I thought I could tell about how things looked. So we got reddy, and the Kernel asked old Blair's son Frank and Sekertary Stantin's chief clark to go along with us. We went down the Potomack, an jest called at Fort Monrow, and then went up the Jeems River to Harrisin Landin. Goin up the river we kept a sharp look-out for the rebils, who line the bank and shoot at our botes. I told the Kernel that he must be mitey kerful an not get hit, as the way stocks would tumble in Wall street would be a caus.h.i.+n. So I tuk him down stairs wen we come to the dangerous places. There they had the bote lined with bales of hay. Ses he, ”Majer, which way does the shootin c.u.m from?” ”Wal,” ses I, ”Kernel, there's no tellin, but,” ses I, ”you better get behind that bale, for it's a big one, an here's another on t'other side, so I guess you'll be safe.” While he was settin there, ses he, ”Majer, I ain't afeerd a hooter, but you see I didn't want them seceshers to brag about killin me.” ”No,” ses I, ”Kernel, that wouldn't do eny how.” Jest then ”bang” went sumthin like a shot. The Kernel jumped about ten feet, rite across the bote, and hit Frank Blair with his left boot rite where he ought not to. Frank thought he'd been struck with a cannon-ball, and tumbled over, leavin the seat of honor uppermost. Stantin's chief clark acted as ef he'd been eatin poke-berries, and had an awful gripin in the bowels. It seems one of the bales of hay had been tipped over when the Kernel give his big jump, an hit the chap rite in his bread-basket. We were all purty badly scart, for I tell you it makes a feller feel mighty narvous wen he's in an inemies country, an may be hit eny moment with a cannon-ball or a Minny bullet. Shootin will do very well as long as sumbody else is shot at; but wen it c.u.ms to yourself, it makes you feel week in the jints, an sumtimes brings on the die-area. Wen we c.u.m to find out, however, we learned we had a scare for nothin. The pilot, in turning one of the short bends in the river, had jerked on his chains too hard, an snapped one of them rite in two. This noise was what sounded down in the cabin like a shot.
Wen we got to the landin, Ginneral McClellan had hosses reddy for all of us to ride. Linkin chose a black one, and got on. Ses I, ”Kernel, is black your favorite color?” Ses he, ”Majer, no joking now. This is serious bisiness.” So I got a white one. I can't ride quite so handy as I did thirty or forty years, yet it is not every nag that could throw me now. Linkin's sterrups were too short for his legs, though they were let out jest as long as they could be. It kinked him up a good deal, an before we got through reviewing the troops, ses he, ”Majer, I can't stand this bendin of my jints. I'm going to remedy it;” and so he jest turned one leg over the hoss's neck and rode sideways the rest of the time. The sojers cheered him as we went along, an seemed mity glad to see him. In one place he got up on a brestwork an made a short speech to 'em. He wound up by telling 'em that he had Majer Jack Downing, Ginneral Jackson's old frend, with him. When he sed that, the cheers were dubbled, an I paid my respects to the complyment by takin off my hat an makin jest about the neetest bow that ever was.
After we had seen all the troops an made all the inquiries we wanted to, we c.u.m away. The seseshers did not trubbel us comin down the river, an we soon once more were sailin up the Potomack. Comin up the river the day was warm, an we all felt first rate that McClellan was as well off as he was; the Kernel said he felt jest as if he would like to have a swim. All hands agreed it would be a capital chance, an so Linkin, and Blair, and Stantin's chief clark, undressed for a splurge in the water. The Kernal asked me to go in too, but I telled him that, hot as it was, my rumatiz would not allow it. Wen they got about reddy, now, ses I, ”Kernel, look out and don't go where the water is too deep, for if you get tuckered out or have the cramp, you may not get back to the bote.” He sed ”there warnt eny danger--that he hed swum the Mississippi River nigh about all over wen he was a boy, and that he guessed he could stand the Potomack.” So off they went. Linkin could outswim the hull party, and Blair an the other feller with him looked like sunfish alongside a sturgeon. I thought likely Linkin mite overdo himself, or get the cramp or sumthin, so I jest went to my valese and tuk out my patent gutty perchy life-preserver. I ment to have it reddy if enything happened. Wal, I hadn't more than got back to the side of the bote, wen I seed the Kernel flounderin and kickin, and blowin, as ef he was chokin.
Blair and Stantin's chief clark were tryin to help him, but it was like the blind ledin the blind, an sech another muss in the water you never did see. I saw it was time for my life-preserver, so I jest blowed it up and hollered out to Linkin to ketch hold of it, an told Blair an the other feller to let him alone, that that would save him. Wen Linkin got hold of it he jest raised himself rite up, an looked as happy as a boy with a new hat. He floated rite along towards the bote, an soon c.u.m aboard. Ses he, ”Majer, I owe you a debt of etarnal grat.i.tude. You've saved my life.” Ses he, ”Majer, this life-preserver of yours is the greatest article ever invented. Wen I get dressed I want to examine it.” So, purty soon, he c.u.m in, an ses he, ”Let's take a good look at it.” So I showed it to him. The first thing he saw on one side of it was the following words: ”_The Const.i.tution as it is, and the Union as it was._” Ses he, ”Majer, what have you got that motto on a life-preserver for?” ”Wal,” ses I, ”Kernel, I put that there because of the similarity between the two things. Now, that preserver saved your life, didn't it?” ”Yes,” ses he, ”Majer, it did.” ”Wal, the _sentiment in those words is the life-preserver of the country_. You can't any more save the country without stickin to them, than you could have saved yourself without holdin on to the life-preserver. You must stick to the Const.i.tution _as it is_, and not as Sumner and Greeley want it.”
The Kernel began to look kinder struck up wen he see how I had him, an so, seein my advantage, I kept on. Ses I, ”Kernel, the truth is, you are just now in swimmin with Greeley, an Sumner, an Wilson, an Lovejoy, an Thad. Stevens, an it is no wonder the country is like you was jest now, chokin and gaspin, and just reddy to sink. You must git out of such k.u.mpany, an the only way to do it is to lay hold of the ”_Const.i.tus.h.i.+n as it is_,” and ef you do that, you'll save the country jest as easy as I saved you with that life-preserver.” Ses he, ”Majer, hold up, you're drivin your hoss rite into my stable, an you don't give me a chance to say whoa.” Ses I, ”Kernel, go ahed, an ef you can refute what I've sed, I'd like to see you.” Ses he, ”Majer, do you know why a man's face is like the eend of an old-fas.h.i.+oned house?” Ses I, ”No, Kernel, can't say I do,” ”Wal,” ses he, ”because it's his _gabble_ eend.” ”Wal,” ses I, ”that may be a good joke, but after all, Kernel, it don't answer my arguments.” But I couldn't get another word on politics out of Linkin that day. He seemed to keep up more of a thinkin than I'd ever seen him before. We all got home to the White House safe that nite, an, on the hull, the trip had not only bin pleasant, but profitable, for it will lead to some grate changes in a few days.
Yours, till deth,
MAJER JACK DOWNING.
LETTER XIV.
_The President Has an Attack of Fever and Ague--The Major Prescribes Elder Bark Tea--A Fearful Mistake--The Bark Sc.r.a.ped the Wrong Way--Mr.
Lincoln has to be Rolled--Stanton, Seward and the Major--A Ludicrous Scene--The ”Kernel” comes to and Begins to Joke--The Moral of Taking the Wrong Medicine--”The Irrepressible Conflict.”_
WAs.h.i.+NGTON, August 1, 1862.
_To the Editers of The Cawcas.h.i.+n:_
SURS:--I tell you I've had my hands full since I writ you last. Linkin has been nigh about down sick with the fever an ager. Of course it wouldn't do to let the tel-lie-graf git hold of it, for it would scare Wall street in spasms, and knock stocks down wus than the retreat of Ginneral McClellan. So Stantin put his sensers.h.i.+p on the news, an that was the end of it, while I went to work as I could to cure the Kernel up. You see, the Kernel, for the last month or so, has been very much broke of his sleep. Sumtimes he's up nigh about the hull nite consulten with Stantin, an Hallick, an Seward, an the nite air has been too much for him. The banks of the Potomick in July an August are mity hard on the const.i.tus.h.i.+n, an ef there is any bilyusness in a man, its purty sure to bring it out. Linkin says his const.i.tus.h.i.+n is just like the war, so far, nigh about all _bill_yus. One day I went into the Kernel's room, an seein he looked kinder blue about the gills, ses I, ”Kernel, what's the matter?” Ses he, ”Majer, I feel as cold as a frozen turnip.”
Ses I, ”Kernel, ain't you gettin the ager?” Ses he, ”No, Majer, I don't think I'm gettin it, for I've got it already.” ”Wal,” ses I, ”Kernel, ef there is eny feller on arth who can cure the fever an ager, it's me.” ”Wal,” says he, ”Majer, I wish you would go ahead, for I can't afford to be sick now. The truth is, ef I had a good ax an some chestnut timber I could soon work off the shakes myself. I used to have them when I was a boy, powerful bad, but I could jest go out eny mornin and break an ager by splitting up a hundred rails as a breakfast spell; but now I s'pose I must dose myself with some sort of pizen doctor stuff, just because it wouldn't look well for a President to split rails.” ”No,” ses I, ”Kernel, you needn't take eny pizen stuff. I'll fix you sum medecin which was a grate favorite with Ginneral Jackson, an it will cure you up as sure as my name's Downing.” Ses he, ”What is it?” Ses I, ”It's elder bark tea.” So I jest went to work and got the feller in bad close, who does ch.o.r.es around the White House, to go out into the sububs an sc.r.a.pe me sum bark. I told him very particaler how to do it, an to be very kerful an not to sc.r.a.pe it roundabout-ways of the wood. You see, elder bark is the queerest stuff in the world. If you sc.r.a.pe it down it acts as a fisic, an if you sc.r.a.pe it upwards it becomes an emetick, while by sc.r.a.pin it around-ways, it ain't nuther one thing nor tother, but just raises a young arthquake gripin an panein a feller as ef the cholery, an yaller fever, an kronick rumatiz had all got hold of him at once. Purty soon the feller c.u.m back, and I went to work makin the tea. After I got it fixed, I went in an give it to Linkin, who was shakin away as ef he would fall apart. ”Now,” says I, ”Kernel, ef you feel bad in the nite jest call me, and I will see what's the matter.” Nigh about mornin sum one was rappin at my door like all possessed. I bounded out as spry as I could, an down stairs I went. There was Linkin agroanin an writhin, an lookin as pale as a ghost, an as lean and lank as a rail. They had sent for Seward an Stantin, an all hands were in a terribul excitement. Seward seemed to be awfully worried. Ses he, ”Major, what would we do if Linkin dies, for he's the only one of us left that the peeple's got eny faith in at all?” Stantin didn't say nothin, but he was lookin round, I thought, to see where the Kernel's trowsers was. As soon as I got a fair look at the Kernel, an felt his pulze, I began to suspect what was the matter.
The fust thing I did was to call the feller in bad close who got the elder bark, an ask him particular how he sc.r.a.ped it. c.u.m to find out, the numskull had cut the bushes down, an then sc.r.a.ped them around, jest what I had telled him not to do. I comprehended the situas.h.i.+n in a jiffy. Ses I, ”Mr. Seward, I understand all about this case, an ef you'll stand back about four inches, an do jest as I tell you, we'll have the Kernel all rite in no time.” Then, turnin round, ses I, ”Stantin, I want you to lend a hand, too, and make yourself ginnerally useful, an don't run off an issoo a proclamas.h.i.+n afore you know what is what.” ”Now,” ses I, ”the feller that got the elder bark for the Kernel sc.r.a.ped it the rong way, an the medicine won't work. The only way to get it rite is to roll the Kernel over fourteen times clean across the floor. It is a tough remedy, but desput diseases require desput remedies.” So I telled Seward an Stantin to take hold, and the way we rolled the Kernel over an over was a caus.h.i.+n. It seemed as ef it might break every bone in his body, for his frame is so sharp an so full of angles that it jarred an jolted like rollin over a wagin wheel wen there's no fellers on the spokes. Finally he c.u.m to, an we lifted him on the bed, an in a little while he felt like another person. Seward an Stantin looked skeert yet, but I telled them they needn't have no fears--that the Kernel was as sound as a dollar. Stantin said he'd hurt his spine in rollin Linkin; at eny rate, he puffed an blowed like a porpose. I telled him to go home an take some of Chase's ”greenbacks”
for a poultice, an ef that didn't cure him, then there warn't no virtue in ”legal tenders.” Seward sed, as I was sich a good doctor he'd like to know what was good for pizen. Wen he was a boy he sed he pizened one of his feet, an that it had allers trubbled him, more or less, ever sence. I telled him to get one of Sumner's speeches, an bind on the place, for there warn't enything like pizen to draw out pizen, and I thought Sumner's speeches would draw pizen out of ded men, and that I wondered the doctors hadn't got to usin them for bringin to life people who had killed themselves with laudalum, prussick acid, an sich things.
[Ill.u.s.tration: ”So I telled Seward an' Stanten to take hold, and the way we rolled the Kernel over was a caus.h.i.+n.”--Page 128.]
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