36 16.3: Impossible Possibilities (1/2)

'indeed, when you stand on Earth's surface, you are not standing up; rather, you are sticking out into space`

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sierra is leaning on her motorcycle and looking at Joshua with wide anticipating eyes as I slap my hand to my chest.

”Oh my god,” is what frantically comes out of my mouth as I blindly walk to Joshua with my vision too blurry to make sense. In fact, nothing, nothing seems to make sense to me except for my intense need to protect him at all costs. Tobias calls me but his voice is unheard in the chaos born by Sierra's action.

Joshua stands beside tall, his arms by his sides and his face frozen over what seems to be the ghost of fear and confusion. And a million bullets for thoughts bombard my mind as I wonder if that body of fluff of mine could take a bullet for him or turn into an oxygen tank if he starts drowning somehow. I wonder if God would let me die and die, oh please, God, let me die for him.

I wail as I stare at a confident Sierra. She has ruined his life and he can be dead any time now. I stand between them, my arms fruitlessly outstretched in front of Joshua and I can't believe how much I've come to hate her for ruining everything.

I cry in pain and it's suddenly all I hear over their talk-talk. My anguish cries. I cry and wonder if God can hear me or if hell is a soundproof place for the damned. And it isn't because of Joshua. It's because of every situation, every person I couldn't save because I'm dead. I cry because I regret taking my life so soon. I cry because I know I should've been more focused on people who loved me over those who hated me. I shouldn't have let the haters get to me. I should've looked deeper in Jacob's and Joshua's eyes. Had I not been so caught up in my false life, I would've sensed the love pulsing under Jacob's blues and the call of help trapped under Joshua's browns.

I should've lived to the day I regained my sight. Because all I have now, are those stringy, transparent arms 'protecting' Joshua, and my high, high hopes to stop Jacob from smoking himself to death.

All I have is a glare seen only by the dead, trying to pierce its way into Sierra's dead heart to bring it to life. All I have are stupid, useless things and Joshua will die.

My thoughts are like a thousand alarm bells ringing simultaneously in my ears and I suddenly believe that sounds can inflict as much agony as a knife driven in a beating heart. I have to resist the urge to fall to the ground and cradle my head in pain.

And I suppose this is the pinnacle of my punishment, the moment when I realize where I've gone wrong, when I've been strung naked from all of the pretences and lies I comforted myself with. Because it seems, no matter how much I try convincing myself otherwise, that nothing could've solved any of my problems but my existence.

Sierra is looking at Joshua's phone with a slight frown. ”It says it's deleted,” she tells him and he doesn't as much as breathe. ”Why aren't you dead yet?”

Joshua's throat bobs and his eyes silently tear up. He seems to have given in to the idea of his death. ”Can you just tell Selena something?” He asks quickly as if not sure of the amount of time he's still got on his life clock.

Sierra gives him a once over and nods.

”Okay,” he breathes out as he tries to stop himself from crying (got no time for that!). ”Tell her I'm so sorry.”Heavy tears fall over his thick eyelashes. ”Tell her… I love her.” His voice breaks. ”Okay, Sierra? Tell her I love her.”

My hands seem to wish themselves into claws because that beating thing in my chest got too heavy to carry around. And I find myself groaning in the sound of his pain. I find my eyes suffocating to blurriness and just pain, so much pain.

Joshua closes his eyes and I hold my breath, expecting a meteor to hit him, or the ground to split underneath his shoes or just anything to kill him.

But that never happens. And I start to wonder if Sierra really broke the F-rule.

”ROSE, WATCH OUT!”

And I'm suddenly inside a fire with sharp objects flying right through me and wild, orange flames erupting around me and I think I'm inhaling ignited oxygen. I'm suddenly too terrified to move, too petrified to think. My thoughts are paralyzed and my body is incapable of floating or flying or anything as I let the flames eat my heart out, lick my brain dead and sizzle with my delicious insides. But of course, this can only be a wish of the damned dead. Never a living being.

I'm unharmed by the fire because, really, souls can't catch fire. And maybe I'm too caught up in myself and in all the terrible things I'd love to go through to notice Tobias defying nature and standing beside me in the fire. He looks shocked and tries to pull me away from it, away from my wish, from the fire.

When he succeeds, he puffs out a breath and quickly looks over my face. ”Are you okay?” He shouts in my face in panic as I try to register what exactly happened. As I try to understand what happened. As I beg myself not to choke on the seas of tears raging in my stomach and leaking through my eyes.

But I can't look at him as an image of a fried Joshua pops in my head. I can't breathe as I sob and Tobias looks at me with parted lips and holds my arms. I can feel my heart coil with every tear falling, and my, I got a whole waterfall cascading its way out.

Tobias tries to catch my eyes but, dammit Tobias, can't you see how breathless I am? Can't you feel me slip through your fingers and morph into an ocean of everything my mom would hate me to be?

And I'm hiccoughing Joshua's name like a prayer, hoping God would hear me out this one time and let time tick-tock back to when I was still alive.

”Joshua!” I groan, looking in Tobias' concern-drunk eyes. He frowns a little and uses a hand to pat my hair down.

”He's alright, love,” he breathes out, trying to calm me down. ”He's all good now.”

My lips quiver and I shake my head. ”She shouldn't have done that!” I say, my eyes wide. ”She-she shouldn't have done that!” I blather and Tobias almost cries for me.

”Love, please, please,” he lifts my chin and cups my face. ”Love, don't cry-”

”She killed him!” I tell him wildly and he looks taken aback.

”No, love, no,” he tries telling me. ”Joshua's fine, love,” he keeps repeating as he wipes away my tears. ”It's Sierra-”