35 16.2: Dizzy Hearts (1/2)
′the heart keeps sobbing in its sleep′
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I catch myself wondering about things beyond the human's mental capacity. Things like the expanding universe, the insides of a black hole, the ability of red, blue and yellow to give us white and the words spilling from my ex-best friend's lips.
Joshua has stopped dry heaving to stare at her as Tobias pushes away an excited Benji while gently whispering 'not now' to him. Sierra, however, seems glad to have taken the stage again and is openly staring at Joshua, awaiting a response.
He doesn't give her any as his stare lingers at her almost infinitely.
”Say something!” She suddenly demands and almost everyone jumps back to life after the deathly silent moment we all had.
”You stalked me,” Joshua asks/states.
Sierra vehemently shakes her head. ”No,” she says as if his accusation is stupid. ”I love you. I didn't ′stalk′ you.”
Joshua's nostrils flare. ”You don't call that stalking?!” He shouts. ”You know things I never told Roseline about!”
”I don't understand! Why is that something that bothers you?” Sierra says. ”That should make me much better than her!” Her eyes tear up and I'm almost sure that my hands should be doing greater things than shaking. Things like choking her to death.
Sadly, all I've been granted are rusty, ghost hands.
Joshua blinks rapidly and Tobias touches my arm, rooting me back to him and his dazzling eyes.
”You okay?” He softly slips in and I don't answer either because I don't know how to or because I forgot to.
”My God,” Joshua whispers absently, shaking his head in disbelief. ”You hated her.”
Sierra scowls in response. ”It's all her fault,” she says venomously and I consider asking Tobias to wrap his arms around me and hide me from this terrible, terrible truth. ”She's always been an attention-seeking bitch!”
I gasp on my tears and Tobias immediately steps closer with concern. What she said doesn't only disarm me of any logical action, it seems to also numb Joshua because all he does as he watches her is speechlessly shake his head.
”I had a crush on you since sixth grade,” she says. ”And she knew. She knew all that time and she stole you from me!” She explodes and I hyperventilate at her accusations.
I do remember her having a crush on him, but I never thought she was ever serious about it. I would've never guessed that she's an obsessive freak!
”I was never yours,” Joshua tells her sharply and black tears roll down her cheeks. Her ability to cry hits me as very odd, it deeply unsettles me. ”You're crazy!”
”I'm crazy?!” Sierra looks at him with wide eyes and bared teeth. ”I did everything for us! Everything! I tried everything to keep us together!”
”Just stop!” Joshua says uselessly because Sierra seems to just be getting started.
”I always made sure you were okay,” she says with a wide, almost-demonic smile. ”When you told Rose you fell off the stairs- oh, don't look at me like that! Of course, I was eavesdropping. I didn't want her to brainwash you!- I knew you were lying.”
Joshua looks acutely disturbed as he watches her spill her guts. ”How did you know?”
”I'd know when you're feeling anything. I know you more than you think you know yourself,” Sierra says and it's almost romantic. ”I could tell you were lying like I knew you were about my phone. It's the same thing.”
”That's not love,” Joshua tells her.
”Isn't it enough?” Sierra seems to be going hysterical, completely missing the point. ”I-I found DevilsPlay for us!”
”Sierra, no-”
”I knew-I knew you needed the money,” she says. ”I could've given you it but then you'd think I'm creepy!” She goes on and her hands suddenly start shaking.
”You're wrong,” Joshua says, not realizing that everything he utters winds her up more.
”I had someone access the dark web for it!” She gestures wildly. ”I killed two birds with one stone-” She says triumphantly and I realize that I am one of the birds she was talking about.
”I played because I had no choice!” Joshua spits. ”I chose to harm myself while you chose to harm others. Rose!” He says. ”Why?”
”I had our happily ever after planned!” She shakes. ”I had to remove her from the equation!”
Joshua shakes his head, frowning deeply. ”You killed her. She killed herself. Can't you see the enormity of your disaster?”
”For us! For the greater good! Can't you see, silly?” She blinks at him. ”Besides I knew you killed your Mom and sister, I knew you would accept me for this little mistake!”
I'm a little mistake?
Joshua might as well be scared of her. ”Stop talking.”
”I know you,” Sierra keeps repeating and Joshua clenches his fists.
”You don't!” He yells out, stopping her from her little daze. ”I never killed them!”
”Liar!” She snaps. ”You were drunk that night!”
”I wasn't! Okay?” Joshua says quickly and Sierra narrows her eyes on him. ”I was never drunk,” he says slowly, casting down his eyes. ”In fact, I never drove that car,” he breathes out. ”I don't even know how to drive.”
Tobias and I glance at each other and it's funny that we find the very same things confusing. It's like I'm a stranger to them as much as Tobias is.
But I do know for a fact that Joshua never drove me to any place.
”What do you mean?” Sierra asks him ghastly and I roll my worm-ingested fingers into fists of air.
”I mean that Sara and Mom were killed in a car accident. A hit and run,” he says, never peeling his eyes from the ground. ”I mean that when my dad heard about it, he lost it. He lost it so much that when he couldn't find someone to blame, his alcohol-stained mind sharpened its pencils and wrote a whole new scenario. A scenario with someone to blame. Me. His least favourite child.”
I blink at him and my heart goes dizzy. It's too sad to find something to say.
”No-” Sierra tries to sound confident but fails in front of the sincerity in Joshua's dark eyes.
”I am his least favourite, okay?” He continues, his eyes finding it fun to get drunk on salty oceans for tears. ”I've always been since he's found out how good at art I am. I reminded him of his brother whom he despised. It was easy for him to make me the culprit,” Joshua chokes out and I can't stop myself from noticing something incredibly crucial.
I didn't really know anyone, yet I judged them all and ended my life on false assumptions. It's impossible not to cry what's left of my soul out.
”Shit, I never thought I'd feel for Judas,” Tobias mutters beside me and I look up at his face with wide eyes. He gives me a small reassuring smile that sets my heart's vertigo straight.
”No,” Sierra says. ”Something's wrong-”