32 15.1: Deadass Secrets (2/2)
”Yes, finally. I'm glad she's moved on.”
I look at them with a small smile and sigh. ”I know so little about you.” I look at him and cock my head. ”Don't you think?”
Tobias' eyes jump around as he tries chuckling it off. ”There isn't much to know.”
”I bet your life was more than Rita, poetry and your stupid parents,” I push and Tobias says nothing for a while. It makes me wonder if he's actually hiding something. ”Tobias?”
He looks at me distractedly and I narrow my eyes at him. ”You're hiding something?”
”Am I? There's nothing to hide.” He might've as well mentioned that the Earth is the Sun's star. ”There's nothing you need to know,” he continues.
I smile gently. I don't understand why would there be anything he'd be willing to hide from me after all we've been through.
”I can tell when your eyes lie,” is what I resort on telling him to explain how much I know him.
Tobias blinks at me, shakes his head, then smirks. ”Maybe you should accept being stuck with a boring, lifeless person.”
His face might've scratched my non-existent heart into existence. Because, wait... is that pain I feel? Is that blood I see? I almost fail to understand his defensiveness.
So instead of pushing him more, I simply say, ”Okay.”
Tobias gives Rita and Gloria one final glance before looking at me and saying, ”Look, we're in Paris. It'd be a shame if we don't do some exploring before we're gone.”
And I, heart alive, agree.
We're walking down a wide street, sandwiched between an array of shops, side-walks and parked cars. Benji struts in front of us, barking happily at the tarmac.
The streetlights dimly illuminate the place, the shops doing little to add to their effect because most of them are closed.
By taking note of the 'rate of penetration' (a term Tobias and I made up to explain the number of people/things getting through us), the street's quite empty.
”I'm sorry,” Tobias starts and I don't look at him.
”It's okay,” I say. Then I push it. ”I mean who cares, right? I won't remember you.”
”You know, ever since my tenth cycle, I have this thing I do.” He says. ”It's like a wish. Something I wish would happen in that cycle that'd make everything better, you know?”
”No, I don't.”
”My tenth cycle's wish was to feel. I think it has been that wish for so long,” he says quietly. ”And now?” He glances at me. ”I wish we never turn into strangers.”
He throws it at me, weighing down my already heavy-to-drunkenness heart.
”We will,” I say and look at his pained facial expression.
”I said I'm sorry.”
”Well, maybe that's not enough, Tobias,” I press. ”Sometimes you should really work on your 'wish'.”
Tobias stops and I too. ”Rose-”
”Maybe you should work on how not to estrange yourself when we're still together before it's too late,” I tell him slowly, sadly.
”I told you about myself,” he says. ”What would you like to know?”
”I wouldn't know what it is that I should know.”
Tobias lifts his eyebrows and holds me under his charming smile. ”My favourite colour is you.”
I shake my head and continue walking. ”See? You're not even taking this seriously.”
”Why does my past seem very important to you?” He asks, trying to catch up with me.
”It's nothing about you!” I say exasperatedly. ”I just want to see how much you trust me. I want to see if I'm worthy enough to know it! It's about me.”
”You know much of it-”
”I'm not daft,” I stop in my place. ”I saw the look on your face. You're hiding things!”
Tobias blinks speechlessly before sighing in defeat. ”There are things I don't want to tell you.”
I lift my eyebrows in disappointment. ”Wow.”
”It's not you, Rose,” he says. ”It's not easy.”
”Yeah, like it was easy letting you in on every single thing that's been happening to me. Everything. Without thinking that you'd judge me or fucking hate me for my stupid decisions!” I shout out. ”Yeah. That was easy-”
Tobias shakes his head. ”Rose, please, it's been a pleasure.”
”You know what this feels like?” I point an accusing finger at him. ”It feels like I'm a dumb bitch for being too trusting while you keep it all to yourself!”
Tobias lips part. ”Don't think like that,” he says weakly.
”Yeah, how about stabbing me and asking me not to bleed.”
Tobias' shoulders drop. ”I'm sorry.”
I look at him and can't believe how ridiculous this has suddenly turned. I cannot believe he's hiding things from me. And I know that he's not obliged to tell me anything but I can't help but feel disappointed. Very disappointed.
”You're so very persistent about keeping me in the dark-”
”I'm not persistent!” He protests.
”Then what are you?!”
”I'm scared.”
I scoff. ”Scared? Who the fuck isn't?”
”You don't understand,” he says, looking in my eyes.
”There's only one thing I understand. I understand we're dead. And that nothing you say matters. It's all inconsequential,” I say. ”It's only decent to tell me after I've trusted you with everything. You choosing not to tell me means that you either fail to understand the point of this, or you fail, for some reason, to trust me.
”I mean I can't backstab you. This is a stunt-less place. I won't break your heart not because I can't, but because I don't have the time to. Because you'd have forgotten me and the pain I could've caused.”
”I know.”
”You know?” I shake my head and Tobias tears up. I'm almost shocked.
”If I tell you, you have to promise me something.”
I gape at him and nod. ”Yeah, what?”
”Promise you'll stay.”
I blink at him and shift in my place. ”Yeah, whatever.” I mean, fuck it, I'm a deadass.
Tobias tilts his head, lock my eyes, then very slowly says, ”I killed my brother.”
I'm not sure I like France anymore.