33 15.2: Sunflower, Please (1/2)
`how shall i hold back my soul from touching yours?`
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”You killed your brother,” I state/ask, my head somewhere else that's not on my neck.
Tobias let's go of Benji's leash and clasps my wrists, teary eyes on my disbelieving ones. ”My only brother.”
”Oh my God,” I say and suddenly the French air I've been breathing makes no sense. ”Tobias. Let me go.”
”I regret it every day,” he tells me, his shell completely falling off. And I realise. What killed him wasn't poetry, it was his brother.
”You killed your brother,” I repeat like a broken tape.
”That's why I was scared to tell you,” he blathers, his eyes disappearing under a year's worth of tears.
”Oh my God,” I shake my head, my lips parted.
Tobias blinks at me and shakes his head. ”Listen, please,” he begs. ”It was an accident.”
”An accident? How old was he?”
”Five.”
My eyes sting. ”What did you do?”
”I swear I didn't mean it,” he says, choking on his tears. ”I swear.”
”What happened?” I ask his bright hazels that quickly well up.
”It hurts me to say.”
”To this day?” I ask in shock.
”To this day.”
”What happened? Tell me. Please.”
Tobias shakes his head. ”Please,” he pleads. ”It was just an accident.”
”I believe you,” I tell him. ”Just explain.”
Tobias blinks away his tears, clears his throat and inhales deeply. ”Let's find somewhere to sit.”
I shake my head at his offer. I mean what does it matter to sit or stand when we're fucking dead? Why are we still carrying on with our human decencies? Or is it just because they're the last string we have left, tying us to humanity?
”I can't believe you didn't tell me.” I remove myself from his weak grasp and start walking. ”You lied to me about why you killed yourself.”
Tobias walks by my side and says nothing as I threaten myself not to cry over this too. I mean, why am I disappointed? How is it possible for a disappointed person to get disappointed?
And it hits me that a person killing himself for his 'passion' is a tad too farfetched. He lied to me, and it's either that I'm too gullible or too engrossed in my problems to think about whether his claim made sense or not. Probably the latter.
”Tobias, why didn't you tell me?” I repeat.
”I was going to-”
”Then?”
”Then I lived your life.” I narrow my eyes at him and he continues. ”I realized that hiding it would be better than losing you.”
”Losing me? ” I scoff. ”You think I expected fucking saints down here?”
”I was scared you'd never need me again.”
I stop at that and sigh at his sad eyes. ”Why are you ashamed of it if it were an accident?”
”Let's sit there,” he says, pointing at a cafe at the end of the street, with mostly-empty, outdoor tables.
I nod distractedly as Tobias whistles to draw Benji to us. Benji jumps from behind a parked car, barks at Tobias and wags his tail excitedly.
When we reach the cafe, I sit in a chair at the nearest table as Tobias sits in front of me, holding his hands atop of it. The table is messy with half-eaten Cinnamon rolls and an abandoned sunflower.
Tobias' eyes search my face worriedly and I sigh heavily.
”I'm not going to desert you,” I tell him slowly. ”I'm just disappointed. I mean, there must've been a catch, yeah? Like you being a murderer. It's okay. This is hell. I wasn't gonna meet doctors.”
Tobias unclasps his hands and nervously runs a hand through his hair, undoing his bun. ”You know, that's the thing with you,” he tells me frustratedly. ”You're hot and cold. I don't understand how you feel about me half of the time.”
My lips slightly part and Tobias leans across the table. ”I'm always scared,” he locks my eyes. ”-to upset you.”
I roll my eyes. ”I'm not that fragile-”
”I am!” Tobias declares. ”I can't handle the thought of your absence.”
”You could've told me and let me choose for myself!”
Tobias leans back, his firey hair doing little to soften his suddenly fierce features. ”No.”
”Excuse me?”
”I've been always clear with you from the start,” he says. ”I've always,” he shakes his head, leans closer. ”I've always, somehow, wanted you.”
I fall silent.
”Don't act surprised,” he shakes his head, his eyes suddenly watering. ”I was there for you. But I never understood you,” he says accusingly. ”You treat me like you've just met me. I can't do that. I can't treat you like that. You were starting to mean things to me. You've revived my poetic sense. I valued you too much to lose you over this.” He blinks away and I gulp down what he says.
”I didn't mean it-”
Tobias smirks, shrugs a shoulder. ”I get it. It isn't only me. It's Jacob, Aiden, William-” I frown. ”We all are victims of your misexpressed emotions,” he tells me vehemently. ”You've left them all confused. No one knows why you've killed yourself. No one knows how much they meant to you! You left them incapable of deciding how to feel about you. Whether to mourn you with love and respect, or guilt.”
”Tobias-” I start uselessly.
”That's exactly what's happening with me. I don't know if you care enough that you'd hate me if I tell you,” he says. ”Or if you don't give a shit about me and wouldn't mind it. I don't know and I'm not about to risk it.”
”I care about you.” It doesn't seem to calm him down and I find it confusing. What does he want from me?
”Well, I more than care about you. Do you more than care about me?” He tells me and I blink at him. At his disappointed hazels.
”Wait, just,” I shake my head. ”Wait.”
”I can't tell you about me when I don't understand you.”