28 12.2: Shiny Pens (1/2)
`paint over it with black... like it was never there`
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We never return to the Darkoom after Tobias fed Benji a hot dog he stole from an unsuspecting civilian.
We return to my mansion instead, to its porch to be more specific. Jacob is in front of us, shirtless, smoking and absently swinging himself on the quite uncomfortable metal bench-swing Dad was very keen on buying years ago.
I glance at Tobias who's cradling a quiet Benji in his arms and studying me.
”Smoking won't kill him-” He tells me and I make a face. ”I mean-” Tobias says. ”Let's say he continues smoking for the rest of his life...what, then? He dies at 70? 65?”
”You never know-” I tell him. ”He might die at 65 but gets sick once he hits 45 or 50. So much pain, won't it be?”
Tobias shrugs his shoulders slightly. ”He could die before 45-” is what he settles on telling me and I shake my head, saying nothing.
Well, I mean, it's true what he said. A person might live his life fearing something he might not end up dying due. But that doesn't turn down my argument because Jacob isn't afraid of dying because of smoking, which could mean that he could die because of it.
The evening is an hour or two away. The sun has disappeared from the deep orange cloudless sky and the air seems to be quiet still, judging from the stillness of everything around me. The trees, the dead leaves, Jacob's golden hair.
The house's front door opens and Jacob seems unbothered by it. Aiden slowly emerges from behind it in jeans and a holed baby blue shirt that compliments his complexion and dark hair before shutting it with his left heel.
”Jacob-” Aiden greets him and Jacob looks up distractedly, gives him a once-over and nods.
”Uh-” Aiden starts, hooking his thumb towards the street. ”I'm heading off to the market...do you- uh- want something?”
Jacob drops the cigarette and Aiden's eyes follow it before focusing back on our brother- his brother.
”Tell mom that sending you to do her shit won't work-” Jacob says. ”You can cut crap if you may-”
”I'm not here because she asked me to-” Aiden says quickly. ”I'm genuinely asking you-”
”Yeah, whatever-” Jacob looks away, uninterested.
Aiden's shoulders drop. ”I really mean it, Jake-” He says softly. ”I miss you, man. I really do. I want you back. I'm your brother. I want to spend time with you but you're always blocking me out with one excuse or the other.”
Jacob is looking at him through the hair fallen over his eyes, says nothing for a while, then, ”You know-” He rasps out. ”I'm trying.”
Aiden sighs heavily. ”It's okay. I understand-”
”No, I'm trying, trying-” Jacob says. ”I can't believe we couldn't tell what was up with Rose. Like how is it that we didn't suspect that she was so, so... depressed? A goner?”
Aiden says nothing for a while, glances at the windows before taking a seat next to Jacob on the swing. Jacob shifts a little, rests his elbows on his knees, his face in his hands and looks away, in Tobias' direction.
”Somethings are just beyond our understanding. And sometimes those things better remain this way-” Aiden says slowly.
”Well, for me, understanding. Aiden. Understanding is the key to moving on-” Jacob says, giving him a sidelong glance. I shift in my place and sigh softly.
”No, Jake, no-” Aiden says. ”You don't understand. I used to think the same until someone told me this-” Jacob looks over at his brother. ”They said, responsibility comes with knowledge. What if, what if you had known the reason behind her death and couldn't do shit about it? What would hurt more?”
Jacob stares at his brother unblinking. ”But ignorance is also the root of most of our problems-” He says, his voice breaking. ”What if I had known and helped her out?”
Aiden inhales deeply, then shakes his head. ”That's the thing, isn't it? We don't understand and we never will-” He tilts his head towards Jacob. ”And when we fail to understand, Jake. When we miserably fail, we accept it and we move on. We make up our reasons to help us cope with it and we move on. We move on.”
Jacob's face is getting pinker by the second. ”But-”
”No buts Jake-” Aiden whispers, placing a hand on Jacob's shoulder. ”Death is already complicated enough. Asking questions no one have the answers to makes it even more so. Death shouldn't be mystified or it'll cause the living more trouble than they can handle. Death is just death. If it's hard to accept that Rose killed herself, just accept it as Rose died. And death is not uncommon and sometimes have no explanations.”
”But that makes all the difference, eh? Death and suicide?”
”It does-” Aiden says, squeezing his shoulder. ”It does, Jake, not gonna lie. But we do what we ought to do to move on and thrive. Even if it means choosing to ignore differences as consequential as those-”
Jacob gulps, making no effort to wipe away the tears that are tumbling down his cheeks.
”It's not fair-” Jacob breaks down. ”She left us to escape unanswered, horrible questions in her life, just to punish us by handing them over and forcing us to answer them for her instead.”
”Jacob, she never forced us to do anything at all-”
”Then why does it feel like it?” Jacob pouts, looking broken.
Aiden's shoulders drop. ”Because you love her. Possibly much more than I do-” He blinks. ”And thinking that your love wasn't enough might have driven you to come up with reasons to just justify it and I'm sorry-”
Jacob sniffs and then lays his head on Aiden's lap. His bloody moon face is facing me and his cobalt blue eyes are welling up and I can't believe I'm standing so still. Jacob then turns his head away, in Aiden's laps as his shoulders shake with the effort of containing his screaming, fighting, broken, begging-for-mercy- and-release sobs.
Aiden leans over his brother and holds him tight, eyebrows furrowed and eyes filled to the brim with a thousand insults that I'm so very willing to gobble. His dark hair cascades over his eyes as Jacob lets out a stifled sob and I find myself all out of breath.
And as I watch, all I can do is whisper a hundred thousand, tumbling, slipping, slippery sorries, hoping it'll reach them and do the things I'm not there to do. Wipe Jacob's tears, hold his cold hands and hug Aiden who's sitting out here, pretending to have it all together when I know I've shaken them all up terribly.
”Have a back door?” Tobias suddenly asks from next to me and I look over at him. He makes an 'are-you-seriously-crying' face and I sniff in response.
”Yes, why?” I whisper, my voice raspy and almost inaudible.
”Because I just happen to know the exact way to fix your problem-” Tobias says like he's perfectly cooked up his idea.
I give my brothers, who seem to have found solace in each other's company, one final glance and walk on the porch in the opposite direction, around the mansion's circumference.
”What is the way?” I ask Tobias, and I can't believe I'm too desperate for a solution to just hope for his idea, whatever it is, to work.
”Just get us in the house and I'll tell you-”
I start walking faster until I reach the back door that opens up to a little glasshouse my mother treasures.
”This is beautiful-” Tobias comments, eyeing all the unique, exorbitant plants cultivated here and all the tools that seem too complicated for the both of us. ”Your father's a gardener?”
”No-” I say quickly, accidentally knocking over a misplaced metal container. It wobbles around noisily and I close my eyes irritably.
”Michael? Is that you?” I hear Mom's voice coming from upstairs and I look at Tobias frantically.
”I'm holding Benji, I can't help you here. So just pick up this- uh- container and put back where it was-”
I move immediately to do so, when I roll my eyes and loudly drop the container again.
”What are you doing?” Tobias whispers loudly with wide eyes, and I smirk as I hear Mom call Dad again and make her way downstairs.
”Giving her the spice her life's lacking-” I say and Tobias shakes his head disapprovingly, but can't hide his smile.
”You have the most insane combination of characters-”