Part 18 (2/2)

Who was she kidding?

Tim didn't want counseling or conversation. He had no interest in making things work between them. He was never going to come around-he probably didn't even want the baby. She wrapped her arms protectively around her midsection. Ashley was right. They'd be single mothers together, and Kari's dream of helping other married couples would always be just that.

A dream.

Still feeling strangely empty, she glanced idly around the room. On a low shelf across from her she spotted what looked like a sc.r.a.pbook. Funny. She hadn't remembered that Brooke liked to work on sc.r.a.pbooks. Kari wiped her fingertips under her eyes and wearily made her way over to the bookcase. The sc.r.a.pbook was bound in leather and weighed a ton. Kari carried it back to the sofa and opened it to the first page.

There in fancy lettering were the words The Five of Us.

152 Kari knit her brows and flipped through the book, stunned at what it held.

Somehow amidst studying for medical exams and raising a family, Brooke had found time to put together a sc.r.a.pbook of the Baxter kids and their lives growing up.

Brooke, who in recent years had become little more than a nonbeliever? The Baxter daughter who seemed absorbed in her medical training and elitist lifestyle? That same Brooke kept a sc.r.a.pbook of their childhood?

Kari and the other siblings never would have guessed that Brooke gave them more than a pa.s.sing thought. But if she kept this book, she must have cared more than any of them knew.

Kari turned the pages back to the beginning and savored the memories as they came. She and Brooke on tricycles some Longa go Sunday morning before church.

Kari felt the corners of her mouth lift as she remembered how close the two of them had been back then. But not because they were similar-though when they were little their mother tended to dress them alike, and people sometimes did mistake them for twins. Actually, from the beginning their likes and dislikes had been totally different. For that reason there was no leader, no follower in their relations.h.i.+p. They almost never argued and were always a help to each other.

They shared the same values and saw most things eye to eye.

Way back then, anyway.

She flipped another page and saw a photo of the four girls together when Erin was only a baby. The family was picnicking at the lake-something they did often.

Dad had made it clear that, though he often was on call and sometimes away for conventions and medical seminars, he would always find time for his family.

There had been family softball games at Monroe County park, boating at the lake, trips into Indianapolis to see plays and concerts.

Theirs had been the kind of family Kari imagined she would have one day.

She shook her head and turned the page, only to burst out 153 laughing. There stood Kari and Brooke and Ashley at nine, ten, and six, their arms wrapped around each other, standing in front of their family tent in just their underwear. The family had been swimming when Daniel, their s.h.a.ggy dog, had dragged the duffel bag into the lake, submerging their clothes.

”I know,” Kari had said as everyone stood about the campsite, slack jawed. ”Our underwear's in Mom and Dad's bag!” Brooke's eyes danced as she caught on.

”Right.”

Ashley giggled and followed Kari and Brooke into the tent, and three minutes later the girls piled out in only their underwear-ready to tackle the day.

We were so silly back then ... not a care in the world.

A few more pages, and she saw Ashley pulling Luke in an old red wagon. Kari smiled and ran her finger lightly over their young faces. Where'd you go to, Ash? A part of you got lost in Paris. What happened there, anyway?

No answers came as Kari stared at the photo and thought about the changes in her sister. Obviously something bad had happened to her there, something she hadn't been able to share even with Kari.

Whatever it was, Ashley wasn't talking.

It hadn't come between the two of them, but a strain definitely existed between Ashley and the others. Especially between Ashley and Luke. Kari stared at the picture again and remembered something she'd forgotten before. Ashley used to call their brother her ”little Lukey.” Even though he was closer in age to Erin, he and Ashley had practically been joined at the hip as kids. Ashley, the big sister who could do no wrong, and Luke, the little brother her friends oohed and aahed over.

Luke. The blond prince whose presence filled their home with laughter and lighthearted memories. It tore at Kari's heart to see how he and Ashley were now-the way they avoided each other, the snide remarks they threw out under their breaths. If Kari 154 were a stranger just pa.s.sing through, she would have thought the two had been at odds forever.

She stared at the sc.r.a.pbook again. The pictures told a different story.

Kari lingered on one photo after another until she came to a cla.s.sic -her mom and dad on their twentieth anniversary. Next to it, Brooke had fixed a copy of their parents' wedding photo. Kari could almost feel their love emanating off the page.

Wasn't that the type of love Kari had always dreamed of? Wasn't that what she and Tim were supposed to have? She thought about her parents' love story, the way her silly dad still sat them down every Valentine's Day and shared it with whoever would listen.

Kari closed her eyes and could hear the story come to Life how her father's parents had wanted a big family but her dad's father, John Sr., had been killed in action in World War II when her dad was just a baby. Because of that, he'd grown up an only child.

”Whenever you kids get tired of sharing your things and your place at the dinner table, take a minute and remember how lucky you are that you have each other,”

her father would tell them at that point in the story. ”Every day I wished for brothers and sisters, but it never happened.”

His mother had offers but chose not to remarry, never really getting over the death of her husband. When her dad was in college, his mother died of what seemed to be a broken heart.

”I was very lonely back then, but I always knew one day I'd have a huge family.”

Their father would grin and cut his eyes over toward his wife. ”Of course, when I met your mom, I knew it had to be up to her. Because whether she wanted one child or ten, she was the one for me. I loved her so much that it didn't matter.”

Kari's mom had been a home economics major at the University of Michigan and her dad a med student when they met at a campus Bible study. He liked to say Elizabeth was easily the most beautiful girl at the university that year, and Kari didn't doubt it. There was something stately and elegant, fragile and 155 unforgettable about that old picture of Elizabeth Baxter, with her dark hair and huge eyes and porcelain complexion.

The same way Ashley looked now.

To hear her dad tell the story, he and her mom were pretty much married from the moment they said h.e.l.lo. And when he asked her how many kids she wanted, she was sure there'd be no more than three.

Ashley liked to tease Erin and Luke, telling them they were lucky she was a good baby. Otherwise their mother would never have given in and had more kids.

The story always ended with John Baxter's casting a loving look at his wife and saying something like, ”You, my dear Elizabeth, are gold. I could never live long enough to grow tired of your company.” Or, ”I treasure your every breath, Elizabeth. The day I met you I became a man blessed beyond any other.”

Kari would always see her parents as they were in moments like that, literally glowing in each other's presence. The Baxter children never needed to wonder what love was-their parents defined it every day of their lives.

She shut the sc.r.a.pbook and leaned back against the sofa. She stayed there, motionless, as the feeling of numbness opened up into a hollow sadness. All her life she had dreamed of having a love like her parents had, sharing those same glances and smiles, memories and magic. Taking a lifetime to celebrate oneness with the man she married.

In the light of those dreams, Kari's loss felt greater than at any time since Tim had left home. Even if they did get back together and managed to work things out, what memories would the two of them have now? Their good times would forever be tarnished by Tim's affair. The reality of that grieved Kari beyond words.

Kari closed her eyes and prayed for sleep. She simply could not imagine being old and gray and reminiscing about the past with Tim Jacobs.

Not when she would have to work every day for the rest of her life to forget it.

156.

CHAPTER FOURTEEN.

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