Part 19 (1/2)

PASTOR MARK WAS WORKING on his sermon Tuesday afternoon when Kari knocked on his office door. ”Am I early?”

He pushed away from his desk and stood to greet her. ”Not a bit. Come in.”

She struggled to make eye contact with him, embarra.s.sed about how she looked.

She knew there were dark circles under her eyes, and despite her pregnancy, her clothes hung on her. Pastor Mark kept his office door open, returned to his chair, and pointed to a vinyl sofa that had been in his office for years.

Kari sat down and crossed her legs. Her hands were shaking. ”You couldn't get Tim to come?” The pastor's voice was gentle, and Kari relaxed some, her heart still heavy.

She shook her head and tried to speak, but her emotions got the better of her.

”That's okay, take your time.” He smiled sadly. ”I'm not in a hurry. You can tell me what happened whenever you're ready.” Kari released a sigh and eased back into the sofa. ”He moved out almost a month ago. He's having an affair with a student 157 157.

158 and moved in with her the same day he told me about it.” She pulled a tissue from her purse and ran it beneath her eyes. ”I called him at her apartment last night. He wants a divorce.”

”And you?”

”I want to make it work.” She exhaled and covered her face. When her hands fell back to her lap, the dreaded tears were back. ”Everyone else thinks I'm crazy.”

”No.” Pastor Mark angled his head thoughtfully. ”You're not crazy, Kari. I officiated at your wedding, remember? As long as I live, I'll remember the way Tim looked at you that day.”

Kari nodded, and the image of Tim's face on the day of their wedding came to her mind as well. Never could she have imagined he'd ever love anyone but her. A tear slid down her cheek, and she dabbed at it with her fingertips. ”My family's having a hard time remembering.”

Mark's eyebrows lifted. ”Even your parents?”

Kari shrugged. ”They're trying. They think I'm doing the right thing, but they hate seeing me hurt.” She gave him a halfhearted smile. ”My sisters think I should wrap him in baling twine and toss him over a cliff.”

He winced. ”I guess that's understandable.” ”Yeah,” she sniffed, ”I guess.”

”You already know this, but I'll say it anyway.” He paused. ”You can't base your decisions on anyone's opinion but yours and G.o.d's.”

Kari nodded. ”That's why I'm here.” Her voice broke, and she struggled to find the words. ”I'm sorry. I ...

Pastor Mark handed her a tissue and waited until she could speak.

”I'm here because I want my husband back and I have absolutely no idea how to make that happen.”

The pastor let his gaze fall to the floor for a moment. When he looked back at Kari, she could see in his eyes a depth that wasn't there before, and she was struck by how much he cared. ”You can't make it happen, Kari. Tim has to be willing.”

159.

”Do you think he ever will?”

Pastor Mark folded his hands and hesitated. ”Do you?” Memories of the initial days of her marriage flashed in Kari's mind. Finding a jellyfish on a Mexican beach the week of their honeymoon. Buying furniture for their first home-a tiny apartment-and falling down laughing when they got home and found out the sofa was bigger than their living room. Crying together in the emergency room after they lost their first baby.

Those and dozens of other shared moments came to mind, and Kari smiled through her tears. ”I don't know.” She wanted to be honest. ”I know he used to love me, and I think a part of him still does. Most of all, I think G.o.d wants me to keep trying to love him, not just give up.”

The pastor smiled. ”Then hold on to that, Kari. Don't let it go for anyone or anything. No matter how long it takes.”

She stared at him, searching his eyes for wisdom she neither had nor knew how to find. ”There's something else.” Pastor Mark waited. ”I'm pregnant. I found out a few days ago.”` If he was shocked, he didn't show it. Instead, he drew a slow breath and nodded.

”I told him last night, but then I hung up on him. I haven't talked to him since.”

”You hung up on him?” There was no judgment in the pastor's voice, just curiosity.

”Yes. He told me all he wanted from me was a divorce, and I got mad.” She pursed her lips. ”I'm mad at him a lot lately. Kind of crazy, I guess. Here I'm doing everything I can to get him back, but I'm also so mad at him that sometimes I actually hate him.”

”That's not crazy, Kari. You wouldn't be human if you weren't mad.” He paused.

”So Tim knows you're pregnant and ... you hear the ticking clock.”

”Yes.” Kari swallowed back the sorrow in her chest. ”I need him home with me.

I'm already almost three months along.” She let out an exasperated huff. ”Then there's Ryan Taylor.”

160 ”Ryan Taylor?” Pastor Mark's right eyebrow lifted ever so slightly. ”I remember. You two were quite an item once.”

”I guess you could call it that.” She was telling him more than she'd planned, but it felt good. If she told her sisters about her unwanted feelings for Ryan they'd have a wedding date set before the end of the conversation. ”I was young, but he was very special to me. And now-”

”He's back in town.”

Kari was amazed. The man ran a church and counseled many people every day, yet she felt as if he'd had private access to her deepest thoughts. ”Right.” Kari let her gaze fall to her ring finger. ”I'm scared and alone and .. part of me wants his friends.h.i.+p.” She searched for the words. ”But after being in love with him for so many years ... I don't know if I could be his friend.”

Pastor Mark's eyes narrowed, and he bit the corner of his lip. ”Ryan's a good man, but I think you are making a wise choice. It would be easy to get confused if you spend too much time together. You're in a lot of pain right now, and pain can cloud your judgment.”

Kari felt her cheeks grow hot and knew the pastor was right. It didn't matter that she loved Tim and wanted to win him back. She still had a heart, after all, and her heart would always be vulnerable where Ryan Taylor was concerned.

The topic changed, and Pastor Mark suggested she keep a journal, maybe write letters to Tim as if he actually were open to reconciling. This would help Kari work through her feelings and possibly, one day down the road, give them a tool they could use to make their relations.h.i.+p stronger.

”If you really want to save your marriage, Kari, G.o.d will show you how. He'll give you something you can do, the right words to say.” Pastor Mark reached into his cabinet and pulled a piece of paper from a small file. He slid the sheet across his desk. ”Take this. When Tim's ready for counseling, this program is something I strongly suggest.”

161 Kari scanned the paper. The heading read ”Marriage Intensive Seminar.”

”Marriage intensive? What is it?”

”It's a day's drive from here, in the Ozarks. It involves two days of intensive counseling between a couple and two counselors-a male and a female.” Mark shrugged. ”The results are amazing, from everything I hear.”

Two days of counseling? Kari couldn't imagine Tim's agreeing to that type of therapy. But she took the paper. ”Thanks.” There was more doubt than faith in her voice.

Mark's expression softened. ”I know you're not optimistic, but G.o.d has a plan, Kari. I'll be praying. You too, okay?” ”Okay.” Kari folded the sheet of paper and slipped it into her purse.