Part 14 (1/2)

The prayer lasted several minutes. When it was over, as they were releasing the hold they had on each other's hands, Kari thought she felt Ryan squeeze ever so slightly. Almost as if he was seconding the motion, agreeing with Mr. Miller in his desire to see Kari's prayer answered.

Mrs. Miller looked from Kari to Ryan and smiled. ”I'm so glad you came for prayer.”

She has no idea how awkward this is. Kari urged the corners of her mouth upward.

”Thanks.”

Another hug, and Mrs. Miller took her husband's hand. The two left with promises to continue praying. Then the door shut behind them, and Kari and Ryan were alone.

She looked up, and her eyes met his. She could see no spark or attraction, only a kindness that surrounded her with comfort. They were two old friends whose grown-up lives had taken them in different directions. But they were friends who still cared deeply. As their eyes held, she was frustrated to feel tears welling up again.

Without saying a word, he came to her and wrapped his arms tenderly around her, pulling her into a hug that erased the years 110 in a single instant. A combination of feelings consumed Kari's heart. She realized she was at once grateful for his friends.h.i.+p and brokenhearted at the distance time had placed between them. Here in his presence she suddenly felt the loss of him more deeply, and that grief, piled onto all the rest, made her erupt into fresh sobs.

He lowered his head so that it hovered next to hers, and his hand worked soothing circles into the small of her back. ”Shhh ... it's okay, Kari girl.”

Kari girl ...

His words acted like a balm to her soul, and she ached at having gone so long without hearing her name on his lips. His very presence felt like a gift from yesterday.

She stayed that way, her hands at her side, sheltered in the warmth of his arms, until finally he pulled away. His eyes met hers, and he searched the secret places of her soul for a long while, reading her heart as easily as he'd always been able to do. ”Want to talk about it?”

No questions or guesses or inquisition. Just the same offer he might have made if they were teenagers again.

A shaky sigh escaped from her heart's darkest closet, and slowly she allowed the door to open. It was strange, in a way, because they hadn't seen each other for years. She really didn't know the man Ryan Taylor had become. Yet somehow she knew she could still trust him, this friend whom she'd grown up adoring. With her life cras.h.i.+ng in around her, she was simply grateful beyond words for his concern.

”He wants a divorce.” The pain of the confession was so intense that she was unable to maintain eye contact. Her gaze fell to the tiled floor, and Ryan reached down and took her hands in his.

If he had questions, he still wasn't asking, but suddenly she wanted him to know. She kept her gaze downward and spoke in quiet whispers. ”He's been cheating on me for ... for a while now. I'm staying with my parents for a few weeks so I can think about things.”

110.

111 Ryan crooked his finger and gently caught her chin, lifting it so that their eyes met. Every word, every inflection of his voice was kind and deliberate.

”You still love him, don't you?”

With that, something between them changed, and the distant sounds of music and people talking faded entirely. They stood there, eyes locked, while Kari considered his question. Who was she fooling? She could never see Ryan Taylor as merely a friend. G.o.d, I've missed this man. What am I doing here?

She felt as if her heart had fallen from her chest, the same way she had felt on the roller coaster at the county fair last spring. The way she felt the first time she kissed Ryan eyes closed, and she stepped backward, steadying herself in the process. I do love him ... Tim, I mean ... don't I, Lord? Give me the strength to be Ryan's friend without these other feelings.

Ryan was waiting, and Kari opened her eyes. ”Yes ... I love him.” The words were bitter on her tongue. ”G.o.d wants me to love him until ... until he changes.”

She'd be going home in a few minutes, taking a pregnancy test in the morning.

She was probably already a few months pregnant with a child who would be raised without a father. She wondered what Tim was doing ... Tim and his girlfriend.

Suddenly Kari was overwhelmed with the need to be away from Ryan Taylor. He was her friend, yes. But he was also her first love, and clearly her heart had not forgotten. She took another step backward and smiled sadly. ”Ryan, I've got to go.”

Ryan caught her hand once more, and she saw no ulterior motives in his eyes.

”Listen, Kari, I'm here ... if you need a friend.” If he was a magnet, then she was solid steel. The air between them grew more charged than before, and she knew better than to linger in a dark and quiet prayer room in the presence of Ryan Taylor.

G.o.d had allowed her heart to be comforted by the understanding of an old friend.

Now it was time to go.

She nodded and locked eyes with Ryan one last time. Then 112 she turned and made her way quickly out the back door toward. her family's sedan before he could see the fresh tears in her eyes. Or the way his presence had stirred a memory within her of a boy she'd once dreamed was her knight in s.h.i.+ning armor. A boy she thought for sure she would marry.

Thoughts she'd long since a.s.sumed were dead. Until now.

113.

the CAR DOOR WAS UNLOCKED. Kari slipped inside and leaned her head back, trying to figure out in which direction her heart was traveling and what she could do to regain control of her emotions.

A strong breeze had kicked up, and she left the car door partially open, allowing the autumn air to wash over her. Had she just spent the past half hour with Ryan Taylor? Praying with him about her marriage to Tim? It didn't seem possible.

Ten minutes pa.s.sed, and her parents returned with Cole. They said nothing to her then or on the ride home, though her eyes were swollen from crying. Before they got out of the car, her father turned and winked at her. ”I know it was hard, honey. But I'm glad you went.”

He and her mom knew nothing of Ryan Taylor, obviously, and Kari nodded, too confused to say anything about their encounter just yet. ”Yeah. Me too.”

She managed to avoid questions from Ashley, who was curled on the sofa sipping from a mug. There was no way Kari could talk now. She desperately needed to be alone.

114 Once upstairs she went to her room and stared out the window. The leaves were half gone from the trees, scattered across the yard and driveway. The image of her parents' front yard blurred, and she remembered one fall a few years before she and Ryan broke up when he was home from college for the weekend. The two of them had raked the Baxters' yard until they had a leaf pile four feet high.

”Let's jump,” Ryan teased her.

She threw her hands in the air and did a back flop on the pile. From beneath a layer of leaves, she yelled at him, ”Your turn.” ”Okay.” Ryan laughed. ”Look out.” He fell in alongside her.

There under the cover of a foot of leaves they kissed until they both broke free of the pile, laughing and gasping for air.

She closed her eyes. The last thing she needed to think about was Ryan. But how could she not after spending time with him again, feeling his arms around her?

She blinked and turned away from the window, plopping down on her old bed.

Long ago when she had first fallen for Ryan, she'd learned a technique to control her randomly impure thoughts. The Clear Creek Community Church youth pastor had taught it to the youth group, and somehow it had stayed with her to this day.

”Put arms and legs on whatever thought you don't want, and then picture yourself handcuffing the little guy,” the youth pastor had said. ”Once he's all bound up, toss him out of your head.”

Thoughts come, he'd told them. There's nothing anyone can do about that. ”But when they come we can sit them down, give them a c.o.ke, and entertain them ...

hope they stay for a while. Or-” the kids had snickered at the imagery-”we can handcuff the little so-and-sos and be done with them.”

If ever there was a time when she should be handcuffing her thoughts, it was now. Kari stared at the ceiling, but all she could see was Ryan's face. She drew a steadying breath. Lord, you know my heart. You know I'm mad at Tim. This is all his fault. But sometimes I think Ryan knows me better than I even know myself.

115.