Part 37 (2/2)

Envy? ”You knew. You pretend you had no idea, that you're the innocent one. But you knew I posted that video.”

”What the h.e.l.l?” Jake says.

I'm shaking. I know what she's talking about, but it's so incred- ibly stupid I can't even believe I thought it mattered. None of that matters. But here she is. Because it makes no sense at all.

”Lexi,” I say, and my voice sounds calmer than it should. ”This is not a good time.”

”Why? You don't want your boyfriend to find out the truth. Adam Ranard? Really? I thought we had standards, Morgan.”

”Morgan,” Adam says, ”who is this?”

”Lexi,” Jake says, and she takes that as some sort of invitation and steps inside the house.

”We go to the same school, Adam,” she tells him. I know her well enough to know it p.i.s.ses her off that he doesn't know who she is. I stare at her like she's a stranger.

”I need to go,” I say. ”I need to go right this minute and see Amy.”

”You can't go there now,” Jake says. ”It's too late.”

”Who the h.e.l.l is Amy?” Lexi demands.

”Lexi, you need to leave,” Adam says kindly, despite her earlier insult.

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J a n e t G u r t l e r Jake puts a hand on my back, trying to move me to the living room. I grip my toes to the uneven tiles in the hallway, a project that we never get around to fixing. ”We need to go see Amy.” I try to shove past Lexi, but Adam and Jake each grab me. Adam puts his arm around my shoulder again and Jake lets me go.

”Morgan. We can't.” Jake runs his hands over his short hair.

Lexi frowns, clearly not happy she's not getting the attention she thinks she deserves. ”She knew,” she repeats to us all. ”She pretends she didn't know, but she knew I posted that video. She could have stopped me before anyone saw it. This is just as much her fault as it is mine.”

My cheeks burn but my hand clenches into a fist.

Jake's mouth drops open and he finally looks at Lexi, stares at her really. ”Are you kidding me?” he shouts. ”Get the h.e.l.l out of this house. Someone we care about just died and you're here to try and blame your stupid decisions on my sister? Go.” Jake grabs Lexi by the arm, opens the front door, and pushes her outside.

My ears are burning; my head is a mess. None of this makes sense.

My phone rings. I glance around and automatically grab it from my pocket and click it on. ”h.e.l.lo?”

Adam is frowning like there's something wrong with me. He's right. There is.

”Morgan. It's, um, Bob. Bob White.”

I stare at the phone. Shocked. Now?

”What?” I ask bluntly.

”Um. I want to talk to you. I've tried calling a few times and you haven't called back.”

He has no idea how colossally bad his timing is. But it's like I 262.

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1 6 t h i n g s i t h o u g h t w e r e t r u e can't stop making things worse for myself. ”That's because I don't want to talk to you.” In some far- off part of my brain, I realize he doesn't deserve such fierce anger. Am I punis.h.i.+ng him, or am I punis.h.i.+ng myself?

He's shocked into silence so I make it easy for him and hang up.

I hear the door to my dad slam shut. I close my eyes and see Amy's face. Her disappointment. I struggle to keep in the tears. I'm ruin- ing things. But it's what I deserve. I deserve this. I deserve to have him hate me. I'm a horrible person and I do horrible things.

”Who was that?” Adam asks softly.

”Wrong number.”

The three of us stand in the hallway, trying not to cry, not able to talk, trying to figure out what to say or do when we hear a car pull into the driveway. I follow Jake outside. Adam is beside me, his arm still around me. Lexi is gone.

Mom's in the pa.s.senger seat of Josh's car. She jumps out with the car still running and hurries toward us. She rushes at Jake- and then she runs past him and comes for me.

Adam lets me go and my hands fall to my side. ”Mommy,” I whisper. She wraps her arms around me and holds me in tight.

I inhale the familiar scent. She smells better; the smoke scent is gone.

”It's okay, Morgan,” she says in my ear. ”Everything is going to be okay.” I cling to her like a little girl. I'd forgotten these- her soothing hugs. The hug when I didn't get the badge I wanted in Girl Guides. The hug when the other girls made fun of me for bringing my mom for the father- daughter picnic. The hug when 263.

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J a n e t G u r t l e r Greg Pierce, the boy I liked in sixth grade, asked Lexi to slow dance instead of me. The mom who had my back.

Some things have changed. Her body is bonier. Her long hair gets caught up in my teeth. But the hug is the same. And with a rush, I wish I could take back what I said to Bob. But he'll probably never forgive me.

”I had a dream about Amy last night,” she says. And I listen to her tell me her dream the way I've listened to hundreds of dreams before. And she doesn't let me go but leads me back inside the house, explaining that Amy is going to be fine now. That's she's at peace.

As short as the time was that I knew Amy, I know nothing will be the same without her. And I know I let her down. I wonder if she knows. And if she'll ever forgive me from wherever she's gone to now. I hope it's a better place. She deserves a better place.

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chapter twenty- five.

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