Part 38 (1/2)

I 'm alone in my room. Adam's gone home, and the boys and Mom are chatting quietly in the living room. I feel like I'm hold- ing my breath. I can't get full sips of air. I sit cross- legged on the bed, staring at the blank wall.

I need to call Amy's parents, offer my condolences. Say some- thing. Do something. Show them people care. But my insides feel grated and chopped up. I swallow and swallow and finally reach for my phone lying at my feet. Taunting me. I turn it on and click to my Twitter page. My heartbeat spikes when I notice the follow status. I'm at 5,002 followers. I made it.

I close my eyes and imagine Amy squealing and jumping up and down. I imagine her so excited the words tumble out over top of each other. So much for that. This doesn't change one single thing. Reaching five thousand followers brought the oppo- site of good.

There's a knock at my door, and it pushes open before I can respond. Jake walks in. His face looks how I feel- wrecked.

”You okay?” he asks.

”Not really. I can't believe it. I can't believe she's gone. It doesn't seem real.”

sixteenthings.indd 265 9/9/13 2:21 PM.

J a n e t G u r t l e r ”I know. I keep expecting her to text me. I keep finding myself about to text her,” he says.

”People my age shouldn't die.”

”No.”

We're both quiet, thinking how wrong it is. And how unreal. It's so hard to digest. How could this happen? Amy was good. She'd been through so much. She had so much ahead of her.

Jake s.h.i.+fts from foot to foot and stares at everything in the room except me. ”I know it's not a good time to ask, but I really need to know. Is it true?” he finally asks. ”What Lexi said?”

I blink. Frown.

”Did you know she posted that video of you online?”

I hear the disappointment in his voice, and it adds a layer to the shame I've tried to bury. Jake is struggling with this on top of everything. He doesn't want to believe the worst about me. My heart aches more. ”Does it matter?” I ask softly.

He hangs his head and then slowly shakes it. ”No, I guess not, not in the whole scheme of things,” he says softly, but then he sighs. To him, it does; it matters a little. He doesn't want it to be true. ”I believed in you, Chaps. And so did Amy.”

I stare at him. And then I nod. For Amy, I'll tell him the truth. Exactly what I've told no one else. Amy would want me to tell the truth. I close my eyes and breathe, still not wanting to accept that she is gone.

”I knew,” I tell him softly. I sigh. ”I saw Lexi post it. I didn't stop her.”

His eyebrows lift.

”I thought, you know, it'd be funny. Maybe people would think I was cool. I didn't know what it would turn into. I didn't know it 266.

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1 6 t h i n g s i t h o u g h t w e r e t r u e would go viral and everyone would see it. I erased it after she left.

But it was too late.”

”You erased it?”

My cheeks burn and my body folds up even more. ”I've been so ashamed. I mean, Lexi was right. I wanted people to like me.”

I take a deep breath and tell him the rest. ”I found out later Lexi also emailed it to a boy at school- from my account. She thought he had a crush on me, so I think she was trying to get back at me, because she had a crush on him too. She was always so compet.i.tive about boys. Anyhow, he sent it to other people. And from there...”

He shakes his head. ”You erased it though. She did this by email- ing that boy. It got out because of them. There was nothing you could do about that once it was sent.”

I raise my eyebrows. Shrug. I never thought of it that way before.

”Maybe. I don't know. It doesn't really matter. I'm the one who did the dancing.”

”Everybody does stuff like that, Morgan. But you didn't post it.

To me, it matters,” he says. ”I knew it wasn't you.”

”It shouldn't matter,” I tell him.

”I know. But you're my little sister. I didn't want it to be you. And you didn't ask her to post it. Or send the email. She did it behind your back. She set it in motion. Not you. There's no way you had control over what happened.”

My relief makes me feel weak. ”Do you think so?”

”I do. This wasn't your fault, Chaps. No matter how hard you've been trying to convince yourself it was. You didn't ask her to do it.

She did it and she's the one who was wrong. Not you.”

267.

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J a n e t G u r t l e r G.o.d knows where Jake picked up his values in our faulty family tree, but I'm grateful for them. And for his support.

”Thank you,” I tell him, and maybe I don't quite believe it yet, but I'm starting to.

I remember how many times he's stood up for me over the years.

My protector.

”It was my dad who called,” I tell him. ”When Lexi was here.” I stare down at my feet, at my chipping toe nail polish, blus.h.i.+ng. ”I told him to never call me again.”

Jake sighs and walks to the bed and sits down beside me. ”Yeah.

I kind of figured. It was bad timing, you know. You just found out about Amy. You can call him back. Explain it. He'll understand.”

I shake my head. ”But Mom wouldn't like it.”

”Chaps. You don't always have to please everyone else. Sometimes you have to look out for yourself. ”

I stare at him and blink. And finally the tears come. Because he's right. And he sounds exactly like Amy. I miss her so much. And I miss what she might have had with Jake. I still can't believe she's gone.