Part 30 (1/2)

I wait, but he doesn't appear to have anything more to say.

”Is that it?” I say, for once sounding as outraged as I feel.

Tom is unprepared for this it's nothing like the Kaz I've been so far. ”I've said thanks. What more do you want?”

”Are you for real, Thomas?” I sound like his mum. Or my sister. ”How about an apology?”

”For what?”

”For everything? For lying to me, for having s.e.x with me, for having the nerve yesterday to ask me to look after your new girlfriend?”

”You could have said no.”

”You could have told me you had a girlfriend!” Our voices are getting louder with every retort.

”You could have asked!”

”Why would I need to? You're Tom. Don't you understand? You're the boy I've been half in love with since I was ten. I'm not supposed to need to ask that Tom the truth. He's supposed to tell me.”

”I did.” His voice has dropped and he has the good grace to look uncomfortable.

”Too late.” That's it. My anger has burned itself out. ”Everything. All of it. It's too late.”

He'd asked for the weekend to make it right and told me that I'm the one he wants, but there is nothing that can make this right and I do not want him. Not any more.

”So what now?” He's looking at his hands; his cuticles are ragged and sore-looking, as if he's done nothing but bite them for the last twenty-four hours.

”I don't know, Tom.”

”So you don't want me to break up with her?”

”I don't want anything from you.”

”Not even to be friends?”

”Not right now, no.” Only when he looks at me, I don't see my ex-boyfriend. I see the boy whose house I lived in the summer my parents got divorced, who made room for me, made time for me, who heard me singing in the spare bedroom and told me I sounded like Karen Carpenter because he knew it would cheer me up. ”But I'm sure we can find our way back there. Eventually.”

There's a long silence in which I strain to hear the sounds of the campsite and Tom sips from what must now be a cold cup of tea.

”I'm sorry, Kaz,” he says.

It's been a long time coming, but those words make all the difference and when he looks at me, I give him what must be an encouraging smile, because he reaches over and hugs me. The feel of him, the smell, no longer thrills me. It just makes me sad.

I'm the first to let go.

”What about Lauren?” I ask.

Tom looks s.h.i.+fty and I know now what I should have known from the start: he is not going to break up with her.

”You're not going to tell her, are you?” I say.

But Tom doesn't quite answer. ”Are you?”

Not so long ago, I believed that the truth was enough to make things right, but it's hard to see how it will now.

”I don't want Lauren to know what happened.” I feel terrible for saying it.

”Me neither.”

”If you cheat on her again...” I say, but what threat am I really making?

”I would never.” Tom is vehement, but then, he would have been before. ”I really do like her. She doesn't deserve any of this.”

”Lauren deserves a lot better.” The way he avoids looking at me, Tom knows I mean better than him. Soon we'll make our way back to our camps and when I see him later (and I will, because how can I avoid the pair of them in the arena without it looking suspicious?), I don't want this to have been our goodbye. We need to behave like friends, not like a mistake.

When we stand to leave, I b.u.mp him gently and smile, trying to make it right, to make it light. ”I'm not sure it matters, but your new girlfriend has my seal of approval.”

”It matters,” he says, and for a second he looks at me like he wishes it didn't. ”Bye, Kaz.”

He walks quickly towards the path leading across Three-Tree Field and I want to call him back, to ask him the one question that's been plaguing me, burrowing into my brain.

Did you sleep with her before you slept with me?

But I don't. It's hard to see how the truth will make that right either.

33 * BITTERSWEET ME

RUBY.

It's oddly peaceful here in the tent and I feel better for having had a shower. On the way back to the tent, my gut twisted when I pa.s.sed a girl wearing a Gold'ntone T-s.h.i.+rt. The realization that I will never be able to listen to their music again rips me a new one. I will never be able to hear ”Tonight Too Soon” ever again.

I shouldn't have let Kaz believe this was Stu's fault, but I cannot tell her anyone the truth. Memories fade with time, but words spoken out loud become facts.

I can't face these facts. Not now. Not ever.

”Ruby. Can I come in?” It's Lee, outside the tent.

I don't say anything.

”I know you're in there. Please, Ruby.”