Part 11 (1/2)
If you don't want to pay the price, then don't play the games.
I regret to say I let the situation deteriorate to the point that I was sick, and my marriage and children needed some serious attention. I had the approval of my boss, but I was out of G.o.d's will.
We can usually look back and see what we did wrong in the past easier than we can see what we are doing wrong while we are caught up in the emotion of the actual event. But, at least we can learn from our mistakes and not do the same foolish thing twice. I learned a lesson from this situation that has been beneficial to me at many other times in my life: When we let our lives get out of balance, we will always pay a price somewhere along the line. If you don't want to pay the price, then don't play the games you have to play in order to have everyone's approval.
CHURCH.
When a pastor or other spiritual leader tries to ”hear from G.o.d” for all his people about their decisions, he is being spiritually abusive. We all have the Holy Spirit, and we can all hear from G.o.d for ourselves. That does not mean we never need advice, because we do. But some people get way out of balance in this area.
Dave and I once had a pastor who thought the people in his congregation should not even sell their houses and move unless they asked him if he felt it was the right decision and the right time for them to make it.
This type of att.i.tude is of course controlling and totally unscriptural. As far as I am concerned, this man was insecure and wanted people coming to him for everything so he would feel important. This same man also told my husband that he was making a mistake by letting me teach a Bible study in our home. He said my husband should be teaching it. There was only one small problem: G.o.d had given the gift of teaching to me, not to my husband. Dave tried to teach for a period of time, and I tried to keep quiet. Neither of us was happy or successful in our efforts!
Well-meaning people may try to tell you what you should do, but that does not always mean they are right. Dave and I would have missed an opportunity to share the gospel with millions of people worldwide had we listened to that pastor. He may have been sincere, but he was sincerely wrong.
HOME.
Parents must know when to let go of their children. Nothing is worse than parents who are still trying to run the lives of their grown children. Parents should not do that, but the children must not allow it. Both have a responsibility. There are times when Dave and I give our children advice, and I am sure there are times when they don't want it. We may tell them what we think, but we don't try to make them do it. We realize they must be free to make their own decisions and deal with their own consequences. If they give any indication that they really don't want our advice in a specific situation, we then keep our advice to ourselves, which is the right and proper thing to do.
Even if you are sure your child is making a mistake, you may not be able to do anything about it. Sometimes children learn more from the mistakes they make than from anything else.
HUSBANDS AND WIVES.
Because it so often comes up in issues of authority and submission, I want to quickly address this. In the Bible, wives are told to submit to their husbands ”as unto the Lord” (Ephesians 5:22 KJV). This has been a big problem for many women, especially in our society today when women are fighting for equal rights. Women are equal with men; the Bible never says they aren't. But G.o.d is a G.o.d of order (See 1 Corinthians 14:33), and there can never be order unless someone is ultimately in charge. Someone has to have final authority to say what will and will not be done, especially when there is disagreement.
Women are not to be abused or controlled by their husbands. If a man dominates his wifea”if he gives her no money, tells her what to wear, allows her no friends, refuses to let her go to church or read Christian books, et ceteraa”then I believe he is out of order, and she needs to confront him. That is quite different from being asked to do something she does not want to do. Doing things we don't want to do is part of life. The Bible tells us to adapt and adjust to others in order to maintain peace in our relations.h.i.+ps (See Romans 12:16). Between two people or in a group of people there should be give and take; when there is not, it can easily become a situation in which one person controls everyone else. This is not right!
Between two people or in a group of people there should be give and take.
As a wife, learning to submit to Dave's authority and be respectful to his opinions was very difficult for me. The pain I experienced in my past as a result of my father's controlling nature left me with an unhealthy perspective about the subject of submission. There were many times when I perceived (or I felt) Dave was trying to control me, when in fact that was not the case at all. If he even had an opinion that varied from mine, I felt threatened. If he ever actually told me he did not want me to do a certain thing I wanted to do, I responded by shouting, ”If you think you're going to control me, you have got another think coming!”
With G.o.d's help I finally realized that my fear of Dave's trying to control me actually made me controlling. I am eternally thankful to the Holy Spirit for showing me the truth that has set me free to be submissive to authoritya” and thankful that Dave stayed with me long enough for me to learn.
Once again, submit to authority, but don't be controlled. If you are a person in authority, be authoritative, but don't be a controller. I have tried to learn not to be a ”bossy boss.” I pray for balance in these areas. They are not always easy to discern, but G.o.d's Spirit will guide us if we let Him. When you do make mistakes, which we all do, admit them and learn from them.
CHARACTERISTICS OF A CONTROLLER.
If you are being controlled, the controller is likely someone you love and respect, or at least someone you liked and respected at one time. You may have lost your respect for the person because of the control but are so caught up in the cycle that you do not know how to break free.
The controller may be someone you need, and the controller knows it. It could be someone who supports you financially, and you don't know what you would do if that person were not in your life. It could be someone you feel indebted to for some reason, someone who has done a lot for you in the pasta”and who regularly reminds you of it. It could be someone you hurt in the past, and now you feel that you owe that person the rest of your life.
The controller may be someone you are afraid of. That was the case with my father and our relations.h.i.+p. You may be afraid of personal harm or loss, as when parents threaten to take children out of their will and not leave any of their money or possessions to them if they don't do everything they want them to do.
The controller may be someone who was controlled in childhood, and now he is functioning in learned behavior. It may be a proud, selfish, or lazy person (someone who wants and expects everyone else to serve him).
The controller may be a deeply insecure person who feels better about life when he is in control. He may need the number-one position to feel safe.
CHARACTERISTICS OF THE PERSON BEING CONTROLLED.
The person who is most likely to be controlled is someone who has always been controlled, so that it is a habit, a way of life. Such a person is not accustomed to making his own decisions. It may be an insecure, fearful, or timid person who has never practiced confronting anything or anybody in life. His excuse is, ”I don't like to confront.”
My answer is, ”We all have to do things we don't like to do.”
A person who is controlled may be confused about submission to authority. He may not be able to tell the difference between true G.o.dly submission and a wrong type of demonically instigated control. It would help him to remember that the devil controls; G.o.d leads!
The controlled person may have a poor self-image.
The controlled person may have a poor self-image. He may think so little of his ability that he a.s.sumes everyone else is always right, and he is always wrong. Anytime anyone disagrees with him, he may instantly shut down inside and submit. The person may be a neurotic individual who feels he is at fault in every conflict.
The controlled person may be dependent on others for care, finances, a place to live, employment, companions.h.i.+p, et cetera. The controlled person may have done wrong at one time and now feels he owes a debt to the controller, so he allows the control to continue.
CHARACTERISTICS OF CONTROL.
There are two main characteristics of control. I want to address both of them.
EMOTIONAL CONTROL.
Emotional manipulation is one of the most evident and powerful characteristics of control. Tears, rage, and silence (especially silence as a form of rejection) are all methods frequently used by controllers to control others.
Perhaps both sets of parents want the newlyweds to spend the holidays with them. Controlling parents may use silence, rage, tears, or anger to get their way. They may remind the couple of ”all the money” they gave the couple. This, of course, makes the couple feel indebted, in which case the parents really did not ”give” them anything. True giving has no strings attached by which the persons who receive the gift can be pulled in whatever direction the giver wants them to go.
On the other side, parents who are behaving properly will allow the couple the freedom to make decisions for themselves; they will not pressure them. If they are Christian parents, they will probably pray for G.o.d to lead them and their children, and then go on about their business, trusting G.o.d to work it out. Parents who apply the least amount of pressure may not always get the children for the holidays, but they will receive the most love, admiration, and respect from them.
Although I was deceived about the true nature of my actions, I tried emotional manipulation for years. Every time Dave did not do what I wanted him to do, I got angry, became silent, cried, pouted, displayed a pitiful att.i.tude, and cleaned house or worked continually at other ch.o.r.es hoping to make him feel guilty or sorry for me.
I am glad to say it did not work. No matter how I acted, Dave stayed happy and did what he felt he should do. Had I been successful in controlling him with my emotions, I might still be in the same trap. His lack of confrontation would have enabled me to continue my controlling ways. If you are a controller and really want to be brave, pray that G.o.d will lead people to confront you anytime you really need it. Then pray that you will receive it and not respond defensively with anger, accusations, and excuses.
VERBAL CONTROL.
Other people may try to control with words of failure, defeat, unnatural obligation, guilt, criticism, and intimidation. Sometimes they use threats. For instance, they may threaten with loss of relations.h.i.+p (rejection). In other words, they may infer that if you don't do what they want you to do, they will no longer want to be in relations.h.i.+p with you. I believe many teenagers get involved in drugs, alcohol, and s.e.xual misconduct because they are threatened with loss of relations.h.i.+ps. We call it ”peer pressure.” It is actually control.
There are many methods of controlling others. If you are being controlled, learn to recognize the methods being used against you. If you are a controller, ask G.o.d to help you recognize your own methods of control. You cannot do anything about something you don't recognize. Pray for truth; the truth will make you free!
SYMPTOMS TO WATCH FOR.
If you are unable to interact with others without the controller making you feel tense and guilty that you are enjoying yourself, what you are experiencing is a symptom of being controlled.
Or perhaps you cannot make new friends without the controller becoming jealous and possessive. You feel you always have to ”check in” with the controller before you do anything. You have no personal life of your own. You have to tell the controller everything, invite him everywhere, and get his opinion about everything.
Maybe you have the controller on your mind excessively. You live with a vague fear of what he will think or say about everything you do.
These are all signs of a crisis that must be addressed. Let's take a look at five important steps in gaining freedom from control.