Part 11 (2/2)

1. RECOGNIZE.

The first step to getting free from control is to recognize you are being controlled. Some people may think they are just keeping the peace. As Christians we can even believe we are obligated to keep peace at all costs. The Bible does teach us to be makers and maintainers of peace, to adapt and adjust to other people in order to have harmony: Live in harmony with one another; do not be haughty (sn.o.bbish, high-minded, exclusive), but readily adjust yourself to [people, things] and give yourselves to humble tasks. Never overestimate yourself or be wise in your own conceits. (Romans 12:16) As Christians, we are to do everything in our power to keep the peace, but that does not mean we are to allow others to control us. Any Scripture taken to an extreme can create a problem. Operating in love, we are to do what is for the good and advantage of other people, but we must realize it is not good for other people if we let them control us.

2. ACT.

Once you recognize you are being controlled, choose to do something about it. You must not let it continuea”not only for your sake, but also for the sake of the controller. If you let it continue, you are enabling him, and you become as guilty as he is. A bad habit has been formed that needs to be broken. You probably react to the controller in certain ways, and you must learn to act on G.o.d's Word and instruction to you. This will take some prayer and determination. Don't be discouraged if it takes time. It has been said that it takes thirty days to make a habit and thirty days to break one. I would imagine by the time you have confronted the controller thirty times, you will be well on your way to developing a new set of relations.h.i.+p rules.

3. UNDERSTAND.

As I have mentioned, you need to learn how the person controls you. Is it through fear, anger, silence, rage, tears, guilt, or threats? It is important to quickly recognize the control tactics and resist them immediately. The quicker you resist, the less likely you are to fall into the trap you are trying to break free from.

4. CONFRONT.

Face the battle of confrontation. Realize that if you have let another person have his way all the time, he will not like it when you change. It may even be wise for you to discuss the situation with the other person. You might say something like, ”You may not be doing it on purpose, but I feel you are controlling me. I need to have freedom in our relations.h.i.+p, and G.o.d has shown me that although you should not control me, I have been wrong in allowing it. I am going to make a change, and I realize it may not be easy for you. I love you, and I want our relations.h.i.+p to flourish, but from now on I will be following my own heart.”

Don't even expect the person not to react adversely. Just as you have been addicted to approval, the controller is addicted to control. No addiction is broken without some fleshly reactions. As I always say, ”The flesh (the carnal nature of man) never dies without a fight.”

No addiction is broken without some fleshly reactions.

You may be afraid to confront, but you must do so even if you have to do it afraid! If you stand firm, the controller will ultimately move from anger to respect. I have never had a relations.h.i.+p with people who allowed me to control them in which I respected them. I actually disrespected them for not confronting me.

You may fear losing the relations.h.i.+p, and that is a possibility. The only thing I can say is that you would be better off without the relations.h.i.+p than to spend your life being controlled and manipulated. If people have no interest in you unless they can control you, then they are not really interested in you at all. Don't let people use you.

5. PRAY.

Don't try to make any of these changes without a lot of prayer. Timing is very important in situations like these. Pray for the people you need to confront, asking G.o.d to prepare their heart. Ask Him to make them aware of their actions even before you speak to them.

A WORD TO CONTROLLERS.

Although most of this book is directed to those who are addicted to approval and in the process allow others to control them, I also know that some people reading the book are controllers themselves. It is possible to be both a controller and someone who is controlled. I had periods of time in my life when I was controlling anyone who would let me, and at the same time I was being controlled by someone else. In both cases I was out of G.o.d's will. You may be the same. For instance, you might be controlled by your boss and yet be controlling your family at home.

If you are not sure whether you are a controlling person, ask yourself the following question: How do I respond when I don't get my way? Do you usually become angry or try to convince others that your way would be best? Are you unhappy until you do get your way? Be honest in your answer, and you will be able to identify yourself quickly.

People have a right to make their own decisions. G.o.d wants us to be led by His Word and Spirit, not by outside forces. He also wants us to let others be led the same way. As a matter of fact, we should not only let others be led by G.o.d, we should encourage them and help them do it. When we want others to do something, and they seem unsure, instead of trying to convince them to do what we want them to do, we should tell them to pray about it, and then trust that G.o.d will show them what to do. We can encourage people to do things, but we should not manipulate them to get our way. As the saying goes, ”If you really love others, set them free; if they really belong to you, they will come back on their own.” True love means that we help a person make the right decision for all concerned, not just the right decision for us.

FIVE THINGS TO DO IF YOU ARE A CONTROLLER.

If you have controlling tendencies, you need to do the following: 1. Admit it to yourself. Try saying out loud, ”I am a controller.”

2. Ask G.o.d to forgive you and to teach you to respect other people's rights.

3. Ask the people you have been trying to control to forgive you.

4. Encourage them to be honest with you about how they really feel about situations between the two of you. Ask the person to confront you when you get out of line.

5. Don't give up or get discouraged if your change takes time.

You must realize your controlling tendencies won't just disappear overnight. Even after you admit them and begin to recognize them, it will still take time to break free of them. Confessing our faults to one another breaks their power over us and has a freeing effect on all concerned (See James 5:16). Facing truth starts a healing process in our life. When I was in my healing process, I told my husband to let me know if I sounded disrespectful to him.

I had a lifetime of bad habits to overcome, and I wanted all the help I could get.

You may think, as I did, you are protecting yourself by staying in control, but you are actually opening a door for the devil to destroy all your relations.h.i.+ps and load you down with unbearable stress. Trying to control everyone and everything is very stressful. I was relieved to finally discover I did not have to try to run the entire world. If you have been the great choir director of everything in your world, you need to retire.

Trying to control everyone and everything is very stressful.

Even if you have developed controlling tendencies because you were hurt in the past, it is still wrong. You may be a certain way because of the pain you have endured, but don't let it be an excuse to stay that way.

Not everyone who is controlling has abuse in his or her past. Some controllers just have very strong personalities and very definite ideas about how everything should be done. They are so strong about what they think and feel that they are not open at all to other people's opinions and thoughts. Others are just plain selfish. They are addicted to getting their own way, and they may have developed the bad habit of not respecting other people. Perhaps they were not corrected for these bad att.i.tudes as children or were raised by parents who displayed controlling traits. Whatever the reason, one thing is for sure: they are not walking in love, and G.o.d is not pleased.

If you realize you have been controlling others, make a decision to let them be free to make their own decisions.

If you don't agree with their decisions, refrain from showing displeasure. You might say, ”I respect your right to choose; you are ent.i.tled to your own opinion.”

Don't insist that everything be done your way. Don't get angry when others tell you no or don't seem to want to do what you want. Don't give people the ”silent treatment” when they say no or confront you. Don't make them feel rejected. Tell them you respect them and realize they need to be free to follow their own heart. Tell yourself over and over, even repeating it out loud, ”People have a right to make their own choices and have their own opinions and I should respect their right to do so.” Say it until your att.i.tude begins to change.

When I was in the process of overcoming controlling tendencies I frequently said quietly to myself, ”Joyce, this is none of your business.” I did this when I was tempted to get involved in something that no one had invited me into. We love to give our opinions and tell people what we think, but the truth is most people don't even really want to know what we think. (I have found that even when people ask me what I think, they normally just want me to agree with them so they feel better about their decision.) Don't make plans for other people without checking to see if they want to do what you have in mind. Following the simple scriptural instruction to treat other people the way you want to be treated will solve all of the control problems (See Luke 6:31).

DON'T OVER-CORRECT YOUR PROBLEM It is not uncommon upon discovering that we have been extreme or out of balance in an area to swing to the other side of extreme behavior in an effort to correct the situation. For example, when Kevin finally realized that Stephanie had been controlling him for years, he decided he was going to correct the situation. His decision was good but his methods were not. He became so determined that she would never control him again that he became overly aggressive toward her anytime she seemed to be anything other than totally compliant to his wishes.

Pray often, use wisdom, and be patient.

In trying to make sure she never controlled him again, he ended up being the way she had once been.

They went to counseling sessions and Stephanie admitted her problem and sincerely wanted help. She needed to be confronted but Kevin became downright mean to her. Kevin finally saw that his methods were extreme and that he was trying to fix one problem but in the process was creating another problem. It took some time and effort but with G.o.d's help they learned to respect one another and have a balanced relations.h.i.+p.

Excess is the devil's playground. Anytime we become excessive in any area it becomes an atmosphere that Satan can work in. Strive to be in balance. If you realize you have been being controlled by someone you definitely need to take measures to regain your freedom, but don't let your response be emotionally driven. Pray often, use wisdom, and be patient. Don't go from being controlled to being so determined no one will ever control you again that you react to people in an out-of-balance manner. Likewise, if you have been a controller don't go to the opposite extreme and think you must never show any aggression at all.

Now that we have discussed taking positive steps toward freeing ourselves from negative control, let's look at ways we can use the pain we have experienced in the past to make a positive difference in our lives and the lives of others.

Chapter 13.

Using Your Pain

There is no way to get through life without experiencing pain. But it does not have to be wasted. After feeding the mult.i.tudes, Jesus told His disciples to gather up the fragments ”so that nothing may be lost and wasted” (John 6:12). The Lord will make use of everything in your life if you let Him. Let your pain be someone else's gain. That's what Jesus did.

Jesus endured horrible pain as He hung on the cross paying for the sins of man. But His pain is our gain. G.o.d's Word teaches us that when we don't know how to pray as we should in a situation, the Holy Spirit comes to our aid. He knows the will of the Father in all things and pleads in behalf of all the saints according to and in harmony with G.o.d's will. Therefore we can be a.s.sured and know that all things work together for good for those who love G.o.d and are called according to His purposes (See Romans 8:2628).

No matter what happens in our life, if we will keep praying and trusting G.o.d, keep loving Him and walking in His will to the best of our ability, He will cause everything to work out for good. Whatever happened to us in the past may not have been good in and of itself, and it may have led to a struggle with acceptance and desire for approval, but because G.o.d is good, He can take a very difficult and painful thing and cause it to work out for our good and the good of others.

G.o.d'S PURPOSE IS BEYOND OUR COMPREHENSION The only monument in the world built in the shape of a buga”to honor a buga”is located in Fort Rucker, Alabama. In 1915 the Mexican boll weevil invaded southeast Alabama and destroyed 60 percent of the cotton crop. In desperation, the farmers turned to planting peanuts. By 1917 the peanut industry had become so profitable that the county harvested more peanuts than any other county in the nation. In grat.i.tude, the people of the town erected a statue and inscribed these words, ”In profound appreciation of the boll weevil, and what it has done as the herald of prosperity.”

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