Part 10 (1/2)
When I was growing up, I noticed that my father accused other people of doing things he was doing himself. He especially accused people of being s.e.xually promiscuous. This behavior always amazed me because I knew how he was. Not only was he s.e.xually abusing me, but I was aware of his unfaithfulness to my mother with other women. He also frequently accused people of being phony and hypocritical, while he lived a lie. He was suspicious of everyone and trusted n.o.body, and it was because he was so deceptive himself. In his thinking he transferred all of his own problems onto other people, accusing them of what he was doing while making excuses for himself.
When people cannot feel honorable about themselves they always find fault with other people.
THE RESULTS OF REJECTION.
Let's take a look at some of the results of a life that has been rooted in rejection.
INSECURITY.
Insecurity is the number one problem caused by a root of rejection. People who have been rejected do not feel valuable, and that makes them feel vulnerable and unsafe. They fear the pain of being rejected again, so they develop ways to protect themselves from rejection. As we have seen, they may do things like isolate themselves. After all, they cannot get hurt if they don't get involved with anyone. They may become people-pleasers, thinking that if they please people all the time, they will avoid the pain of rejection. They may become caretakers. They may think that if they take care of people and are needed, then they will not experience the pain of rejection. Actually they probably don't consciously think any of these things, but avoiding the pain of rejection is the motivating factor in many of their decisions.
Don't let the way other people treat you determine your worth and value.
Insecurity is a psychological disturbance of epidemic proportion in our society today. Insecure can be defined as being uncertain, lacking in confidence, or shaky. G.o.d wants us to be the exact opposite of all these things. He wants us to be certain, confident, and solid, even when people reject us. Don't let the way other people treat you determine your worth and value.
The Bible teaches us in Isaiah 54:17 that security is part of our inheritance as children of G.o.d. It actually says peace, righteousness, security, and triumph over opposition are our heritage from the Lord.
REBELLION.
Rebellion is frequently rooted in rejection. Rebellious people have experienced the pain of rejection. These people are angry, and their anger is an inner rage that manifests itself in rebellion. They are fed up with being pushed around, and they aren't going to take it anymore!
POVERTY.
It's true: A life of poverty can also be the result of rejection. If people have a poverty image, they do not see themselves as capable of having or enjoying the finer things of life. They admire what others have, but automatically a.s.sume they could never have them. They won't even try for the better jobs, because they feel they are not worthy to have them.
I know people who will never have much of anything simply because of the way they feel about themselves. In conversation they say things like, ”I will never own my own home,” or, ”I will never drive a new car,” or, ”I could never shop there, because it's not a discount store.” When I have asked such people why they think they could not have these things if others have them, they respond by saying, ”I'm just not in that cla.s.s; those things are above me.”
This type of thinking is all wrong. We are all just people; if we are in a certain cla.s.s, it is because we have relegated ourselves to it or allowed someone else to do so. G.o.d has not a.s.signed His children to an upper cla.s.s, a middle cla.s.s, and a lower cla.s.s. The world may think like that, but G.o.d does not, and we should not either. The promises of G.o.d are for ”whosoever will.” Whoever will believe in G.o.d and serve Him wholeheartedly can be blessed in any way that anyone else can be blessed. With G.o.d there are no distinctions, and He is not a respecter of persons (See Galatians 2:6; Acts 10:34).
The promises of G.o.d are for ”whosoever will.
ESCAPISM.
Escapism is another result we see among people with a fear of rejection. They create their own pleasant world through daydreaming. There is nothing wrong with a healthy daydream or two, but living in a pretend world to escape from the real one is a sign of real mental and emotional problems.
WORKAHOLISM.
I once heard that 75 percent of all world leaders have been abused and have experienced severe rejection.1 When I heard that statistic, I was amazed. It is simply because those who have been abused and rejected work harder than most people to accomplish something important so they will be accepted.
Their abuse and rejection may not have been from their parents; it may have come from a teacher, their peers, or a relations.h.i.+p that was important to them. But whatever its source, it drives them to accomplish something in life for which they hope to be admired and applauded. They feel that they have to prove something, and they spend their life trying to do so.
I can relate to this scenario very well because I was a workaholic. I can still hear my father's voice yelling at me, telling me that I would never be any good and that I would never amount to anything. The more he yelled, the more determined I became to prove him wrong.
I will probably always be a hard worker, because I am motivated by accomplishment. Once I needed it to feel good about myself; now I just want to be fruitful in G.o.d's kingdom and for His glory. I don't like to waste my time. I have lived more of my life than I have left, so I want to make the rest of it count.
People with a painful past are often driven by a need to feel important, to gain acceptance, to attain a sense of security. We may succeed if we work hard, but it will never satisfy us unless G.o.d is behind our success. Ultimately we must know who we are in Him. We must be rooted and grounded securely in Christ and in His love (See Ephesians 3:17 and Colossians 2:7 KJV). We are made acceptable to G.o.d through the Beloved (Jesus) (See Ephesians 1:6 KJV). True acceptance is not found in our accomplishments, but in what Jesus has accomplished on our behalf.
I believe there are people who die much earlier than they should because they live under so much stress that it wears out their body.
If we do not know this truth, we may well be in danger of working ourselves to death. I believe there are people who die much earlier than they should because they live under so much stress that it wears out their body. In general we are a driven people. Very few of us actually live balanced, healthy lives.
We are driven by many things that we will find in the end won't matter after all. The Bible teaches us that we brought nothing into the world, and we will take nothing out of it (See 1 Timothy 6:7). n.o.body on his deathbed has ever said, ”I wish I had spent more time at the office.” I believe in working hard, but if we are addicted to work, or if we derive our sense of worth and value from it, we need help.
The writers of the Bible were led by the Holy Spirit to repeatedly tell us that our works will not gain us right standing with G.o.d. When we try to do right in life, it should be the result of knowing that we are loved, not an effort to gain love. We should do what we do for G.o.d, but not to get Him to do something for us.
People who derive their sense of worth and value from their accomplishments frequently talk about all they are ”doing.” They of course never take vacations, and even if they do, they work while on them. They even have a critical att.i.tude toward those folks who like to enjoy life: they view them as lazy do-nothings, people who merely take up s.p.a.ce and add very little to life.
They may have a martyr complex and become greatly offended when people don't notice and applaud all their efforts. The very fact that they seek recognition proves their motives are wrong. I truly pity workaholics. They have very little ability to enjoy life. As I have mentioned, more than likely they will make themselves sick or even shorten their life span. They don't take time to develop close relations.h.i.+ps, and as a result they frequently end up lonely and burned out. The saddest thing I have ever seen is an old man in his eighties, knowing that he does not have long to live, and when he looks back at the life he has lived, all he has is regrets.
Actually, the list of possible results from a root of rejection is endless, so I won't detail anymore. But in the interest of jogging your conscience, here are a few I am aware of: self-pity, guilt, inferiority complex and poor self-image, fears of all types, hopelessness, depression, defensiveness, hardness, distrust and disrespect, compet.i.tion and jealousy, and perfectionism. The main point is that you need to make right choices now so at the end of your life you will have nothing to regret. If you think you can be cla.s.sified as insecure, rebellious, poverty-minded, escapist, or workaholic, you need to consider your motives, realize what is driving you, and make changes.
REJECTION AFFECTS PERCEPTION.
How we see things is affected when we have a root of rejection in our lives. As I have mentioned, rejection-based people often perceive that they are being rejected when they are not. They may feel as if they are being mistreated when in reality they are not. They are very sensitive to the way people make them feel. They are actually overly sensitive.
Before G.o.d healed me in this area, I was very difficult to talk to. Unless Dave totally agreed with everything I said, I became upset. I perceived his disagreement as rejection. I would try to convince him to agree with me so I would feel ”fixed.” Dave, on the other hand, would feel manipulated, as if he had no right to his own opinion about anything. Dave repeatedly said to me, ”Joyce, I'm only giving my opinion. Why do you act like I'm attacking you?” I acted that way because I felt attacked!
Rejection-based people often perceive that they are being rejected when they are not.
This situation caused more than a few problems between Dave and me. I said repeatedly, ”We just cannot talk about anything.” To which Dave always responded, ”Joyce, we don't talk anyway; you talk, and if I do anything other than listen and agree, you get upset.”
If you are having trouble communicating with someone, then one or both of you may have the same problem I did. Healthy conversation between two people must include the right to be heard. I mean really heard. Do you listen, or just talk? I talked, and I wanted Dave to listen. I wanted him to agree with me. When he didn't, I stopped listening. At that point I started reacting out of my old wounds of rejection. I felt rejected even though he was not rejecting me. I perceived it that way, so it was that way for me.
I know G.o.d has changed me, because I don't respond to disagreement the way I once did. I can talk, and I can listen. I like agreement, but if I don't get it, I respect other people's right to their own opinion. I don't feel wrong just because they may not agree, but I am open to considering that I might be wrong. Even if my opinion turns out to be wrong, it does not mean something is wrong with me. Learn to separate your opinions and ideas from who you are as a person.
TALK TO YOURSELF.
You can survive rejection, and you need to tell yourself that you can. I am suggesting that you actually talk out loud to yourself, telling yourself, ”I can survive rejection.” Also let the thought roll over and over in your mind, ”I may not be accepted by everyone, but I can survive it.”
We all fear rejection too much. Start believing you can survive it, if you need to do so. Jesus was rejected, and He survived. You can too! Value the unconditional love of G.o.d more than the conditional approval of people, and you will overcome rejection.
When I say you will survive, I don't mean that you will just barely make it. I mean that rejection really will not bother you at all. You just need to develop a new att.i.tude toward it. When people have rejected me in the past, I have been hurt and let their att.i.tude toward me control my thoughts for days afterward. When Dave has been rejected, he has simply said, ”That's their problem, not mine.” What was the difference between him and me? Dave was secure, and I was insecure. It is just that simple! I relied too much on what people thought of me, and Dave didn't care what people thought of him. He has told me that he cannot do anything about what people think; all he can do is be himself.
If you have G.o.d, you have all you need.
If you have had problems in these areas, stop torturing yourself with concern about what people think. You can survive rejection. You will live through it, and when people are finished thinking something unkind about you, they will go on to someone else. You will have the rest of your life left to live, and you can live it without them. If you have G.o.d, you have all you need. If He knows you need anything else, He will provide that also (See Matthew 6:8, 33-34).
I mentioned earlier in the book that some very unkind newspaper articles were written about us. I contacted a man I knew who owns a magazine and has been in the publis.h.i.+ng and newspaper business for many years. I asked him what he thought we should do about the situation. He said, ”If I were you, I would ignore it; the whole thing will blow over, and next week they will be picking on someone else.” Sure enough, he was right.
We are not responsible for our reputation anyway. G.o.d is! So relax and keep saying to yourself, ”I can survive rejection. I am not addicted to approval.” Say it over and over until you believe it and are no longer bothered by the way people treat you. When Satan knows he cannot hurt you with rejection, he will stop working through people to bring that type of pain into your life.
In this part of the book, we've looked at some things we must change about ourselves as we begin to break the cycle of approval addiction. In the next section we will focus on some final important truths regarding our wholeness in G.o.d and where we need to be headed in our lives. There is good news for us if we're willing to take those steps!