Part 9 (1/2)
We need each other!
Moses' father-in-law suggested that Moses delegate some of his authority to others. He said Moses should let them make the less important decisions and Moses should deal only with the hard cases. Moses did what his father-in-law suggested, and it enabled him to endure the strain of his task. And the others had the benefit of a sense of accomplishment for the decisions they made on their own.
Many people either complain all the time about what they are expected to do or they end up falling apart emotionally and physically because they won't let anyone help them do anything. They don't think anyone is as qualified for the job as they are. It is easy to think you are more important than you actually are. Learn to delegate. Let as many people help you as possible. If you do, you will last a lot longer and enjoy yourself a lot more.
”I FEEL I SHOULD BE ABLE TO DO MORE”
Comparing ourselves with other people often causes us to put a lot of unnecessary pressure on ourselves. If we observe in our comparison that they can do more things than we can, or that their endurance is greater than ours, we often feel we should be able to do more. Because we feel guilty, we may push ourselves beyond our reasonable limits and end up sick and unhappy.
We are all different, and we all have different limits.
Know yourself, and don't feel bad if you cannot do what someone else can do. Even our G.o.d-given temperaments help determine what our limits in life will be in various areas.
I know someonea”I'll call her Pata”who was married and had three children. She was a full-time mother and homemaker, but unless she had help cleaning her home once a week she struggled to get everything done and remain peaceful.
Pat had a friend named Mary who was also married and had five children. Mary worked outside the home two days a week and did all her own housework, cooking, and laundry with no outside help. Actually it seemed Mary was more peaceful and less temperamental than Pat, even though she had more to do.
Learn to delegate.
Pat felt very bad about herself because she just could not seem to get everything done without help. In her thoughts and conversations, she constantly compared herself to Mary. She felt she should be more like her.
Mary's temperament was easygoing, the ”cast your care” type. Her att.i.tude was, ”If the work doesn't get done today, it will get done tomorrow.” Pat, on the other hand, was very melancholy, a borderline perfectionist who wasn't comfortable unless everything was in order.
We really cannot control what temperament we are born with; that is G.o.d's choice. We can work with the Holy Spirit to achieve balance, but basically we are what we are. I will always be a type-A, strong-willed, leaders.h.i.+p-type person. In fact, most of the time I am type A+. Dave will always be more easygoing than I am, but that does not mean I have to strive to be like him. I may learn some things from his example, but I still have to be the basic person G.o.d created me to be.
Pat put herself under so much pressure that she became difficult to get along with. She carried a burden of guilt most of the time, and it started affecting her mood and her health. She finally got help through a book she read that helped her understand we are all different, and that is perfectly acceptable.
Some people do things faster than others, but the slower person may do them more neatly. Each of us must do what we are comfortable with. It was not wrong for Pat to need a housekeeper once a week and Mary not need one.
I am sure that in some other area, Mary had some needs that Pat did not have.
Just be yourself, and don't pressure yourself to perform exactly the way others do.
Don't pressure yourself to perform exactly the way others do.
Pat felt she should be able to do more because she saw Mary do more, but the fact was that she could not do more and maintain her composure. That was not a weakness in her; it was just the way she was put together by G.o.d. She did not need to be able to do what Mary did in order to approve of herself. She felt Mary was judging her, when in reality she was judging herself and Mary hadn't thought anything about it.
Concern about what people may be thinking of us often controls us. We are excessively concerned about what people are saying about us. We a.s.sume people are thinking certain critical things when the truth is they were not thinking about us at all!
When we seek favor and acceptance from our critics, we lose confidence or stray from the path of healthy choices.
Stand up to your critics or you will end up being controlled. The apostle Paul had plenty of critics, but he did not let their opinions control him; neither did Jesus.
G.o.d has not given and never will give someone else the job of running your life.
Do the best you can, be the best ”you” that you can be, and do not feel you should be able to do more just because someone else does more. And remember a strong confidence in G.o.d and your own ability to hear from G.o.d and being led by the Spirit are the antidote. G.o.d has not given and never will give someone else the job of running your life.
DISHONESTY IS A SYMPTOM OF PEOPLE-PLEASING.
Let our lives lovingly express truth [in all things, speaking truly, dealing truly, living truly]. (Ephesians 4:15) People-pleasing behavior can be quite dishonest. The Bible says we are to be truthful in all things; we are to speak the truth, love the truth, and walk in the truth. But approval addicts often tell lies because they fear people won't accept the truth. They say yes with their mouth while their heart is screaming no. They may not want to do something, but they act as if they do for fear of displeasing someone. If they ever do say no, they usually make an excuse for why they cannot do what is being asked of them. They won't tell the truth, which may be simply that they just plain don't want to do what they are being asked to do. They may not feel it is the right thing for them to do.
Sometimes we don't feel peaceful about a certain thing, and we don't have any idea why. The Scriptures teach us to follow after peace; it is one of the ways G.o.d leads us.
We should be able to say to people, ”I don't have peace about making that commitment right now,” and they should graciously receive that answer, but it rarely happens.
I was talking with a fellow minister recently. The man is quite humorous and very bold. He related how another minister had called him with a request for him to appear on his television show. My friend told the man that he could not do so because he had a prior commitment. The man responded that his prior commitment could not possibly be as important as coming on his television show and suggested that he break the previous commitment, to which my friend responded, ”I don't want to.”
His truthful response ended the conversation immediately. If we would just be bold enough to speak the truth, we could save ourselves a lot of time and trouble.
We don't want to be rude, but neither do we want to be liars. Most people-pleasers are not honest about their desires, feelings, and thoughts. They tell people what they want to hear, not what they need to hear. A healthy relations.h.i.+p demands honesty. Some people may not want to hear truth, but that does not relieve us of the responsibility to speak the truth.
AN EXAMPLE FROM THE LIFE OF KING SAUL.
Saul was anointed to be king of Israel. He had an opportunity to enjoy a great and glorious future, but he had some weaknesses in his character that proved to be his undoing (See 1 Samuel 9-31).
Saul was a people-pleaser. He loved the approval of people so much that he disobeyed G.o.d's instructions in order to get it. G.o.d instructed Saul to wait until the prophet Samuel arrived to offer up the evening sacrifice. When Samuel didn't arrive at the time Saul and the people expected he would, the people became restless and impatient. Although Saul knew in his heart that he was being disobedient, he went ahead and offered the sacrifice that he had been forbidden to offer. Later when Samuel arrived, he asked Saul why he had done so. Saul's reply was, ”Because I saw that the people were scattering from me” (1 Samuel 13:11). In response, Samuel told Saul, ”You have done foolishly! . . . Now your kingdom shall not continue” (vv. 13-14). Saul was so addicted to approval that he lost his kingdom because of it.
G.o.d brought David into Saul's life to minister to him. Saul recognized the anointing and favor of G.o.d on David's life. When the people showed approval of David, Saul became jealousa”so jealous, in fact, that he repeatedly tried to kill David. His need for approval was so great he was even willing to murder to prevent someone else from having more approval than he did. Thank G.o.d few people let their need for approval go this far.
We often ”murder” G.o.d's plan for our life in order to get or keep the approval of others.
We may not try to murder people, but we often ”murder” G.o.d's plan for our life in order to get or keep the approval of others. Saul tried to do both. He tried to murder David, but instead he ”murdered” G.o.d's plan for himself and his kingdom. As a result, Saul ended up being killed himself after having already lost the opportunity to remain king.
There are mult.i.tudes of stories just as sad as this one. Don't let your story be one of them. Don't make the mistake Saul made. Be obedient to G.o.d. Do your best to be all He wants you to be, and do all He wants you to do. Even if people are not cheering, heaven is!
Now that we have taken a look at the characteristic of people-pleasing, let's look at how we can overcome the pain of rejection.
Chapter 11.
Pressing Past Rejection
And whoever will not receive and accept and welcome you nor listen to your message, as you leave that house or town, shake the dust [of it] from your feet. (Matthew 10:14, emphasis mine) Jesus gave instructions to His disciples regarding the handling of rejection. He told them to ”shake it off.” Basically He was saying, ”Don't let it bother you. Don't let it keep you from doing what I have called you to do.”
Jesus was despised and rejected (See Isaiah 53:3), and yet He never seemed to let it bother Him. I am sure He felt pain just as you and I do when we experience rejection, but He did not let it prevent Him from fulfilling His purpose.
Jesus told His disciples not to be concerned about rejection because in reality, people who rejected them were really rejecting Him: He who hears and heeds you [disciples] hears and heeds Me; and he who slights and rejects you slights and rejects Me; and he who slights and rejects Me slights and rejects Him who sent Me. (Luke 10:16) The Lord loves His children, and He takes it personally when anyone rejects them or treats them contemptibly. If you are a parent, you know how you feel when anyone mistreats your children. If you are like me, you actually feel their pain and will do anything possible to prevent it.
I recall when my daughter Laura changed schools in about the third grade. She had been attending a Christian school and was transferred to a public school. She experienced major rejection from the children at her new school. I drove by the playground one day about recess time and saw her sitting on a bench all by herself while all the other children were playing. She looked so sad and lonely that it broke my heart to see her.
She would cry in the evenings because she didn't understand why n.o.body liked her. There was no reason for the children not to like her. Rejection was something Satan used to make her feel bad about herself as a person. Laura was a Christian child, and she talked about Jesus freely. The devil did not like it, so he attacked her.
Rejection is one of Satan's favorite tools to use against people. The pain of rejection often causes people to function in fear rather than boldness. Laura soon learned that when she talked about Jesus, the other children made fun of her, and it adversely affected her for a long time.