Part 31 (2/2)

'Must? Why must you go? I need you here.

He said sadly, 'You think you do, but you dont. And as for ”must”... Do you remember when we met?

'Vividly.

'You were so distressed. Do you remember?

I nodded.

' Somewhere ... somewhere theres a little boy. Hes six. Hes hiding in a cupboard and theyre looking for him. Do you understand now why I must go?

I was too choked to speak. I could understand. I did understand. But he was my Thomas. My dear friend. And still my only friend. Hed been my constant companion since I was thirteen. Hed protected me from the bullies at school, kept me calm when things overwhelmed me, guided me, laughed with me, brought me joy. I remembered his excitement and enthusiasm in the big DIY store and again in the art shop. I remembered his kindness, his strength. I saw him running across the moors, golden and beautiful.

And free.

He read my thoughts.

' You do understand, dont you? I know you do. Youre my Jenny. Youve grown up to be an exceptional young woman and Im so proud of you.

He paused.

'Were not supposed to have favourites, but youre the favourite I havent got. Dont forget me, Jenny.

As if I ever could.

'Youre going now? Right this minute?

'Yes, I have to. Its always easier not to draw this out.

I was crying again, struggling with this thunderbolt. Only a couple of hours ago, wed been watching TV together. How could this be happening? I stood and wrapped my arms around him, burying my face in his hard neck, smelling the smell of him.

'Jenny, you have to release me.

'You mean, if I dont, you cant go?

'Thats right. You have to let me go.

I tightened my grip. 'I wont.

'Jenny, I have to go. Theyre very close. Someone once released me so I could come to you. Now its your turn.

I didnt want to, but I couldnt disappoint him. Not now. Not at the very end. I lowered my arms and stepped back. He dropped his head and nuzzled my hair. I smelled warm ginger biscuits for the last time. No words would come.

'Jenny ...?

I closed my eyes and said the words that would send him away.

'I release you.

'Farewell, Jenny, my dear friend.

'Goodbye Thomas. Dont forget me.

'Never.

His voice was just a sigh.

He was fading. I could see the outline of the wardrobe behind him.

He disappeared.

The ginger biscuit smell lingered a little longer and then that too was gone.

I thought my world had ended.

Russell tapped on the door. Then again, a little harder. Then gave it a good thump.

'Jenny? I know youre in there. Can I come in?

I waited for Thomas to say something. A silence that was never going to be broken dragged on.

The door opened slowly. 'Jenny?

This was not going to be a good day for speaking.

He swiftly crossed the room. 'Whats happened?

It wasnt until he put his arm around me and made me stop that I realised I was sitting, knees drawn up, rocking backwards and forwards. Cla.s.sic grief and shock.

He must have seen hed get nothing from me. He crossed to the door and shouted for Mrs Crisp and the next thing I was covered in a blanket and clutching a gla.s.s with a small amount of brandy in the bottom.

Voices came and went, but not the voice I so wanted to hear. I tuned them all out and spent some time not thinking of anything at all. When I finally returned to this world, unsure where Id been, it was nearly dark. Russell was sitting by the bed.

I watched him for a while, still for once, rumpled and shadowed. And more vulnerable than he knew. Even as I looked he opened his eyes. His hands were nearly as cold as mine. I tried for a smile, but not today.

'Do you need a doctor?

I moved my head slightly. No.

He took a breath. 'Shall I fetch your aunt?

No.

'Tanya?

No. the one person in all the world I really wanted to see was never coming back. Ever. I closed my eyes and hot tears ran down my cheeks. I felt him sit on the bed and put his arms around me.

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