Part 32 (1/2)

'Thats my girl. Have a good cry.

So I did. I cried for Thomas, for the parents Id barely known, for the mess Id made of my life, for loneliness, for pretty well everything.

He stroked and soothed and spoke to me using his Boxer voice. He made me blow my nose. And again. He held the mug while I sipped some tea and didnt shout when I fell asleep before finis.h.i.+ng.

When I awoke it was the next day and he was still there, more untidy and tired-looking than ever. Mrs Crisp was bringing tea. That was what had woken me. I wondered why everyone was in my room, looked over at the empty corner, remembered and felt myself begin to slide away again. Away from the long, lonely, frightening life ahead of me.

'Open your eyes, sweetheart. Theres some tea here.

I sipped obediently.

'Well done. He wiped my face. 'How are you feeling?

I nodded.

And that was the end of Mr Nice Guy.

'No, he said sternly. 'Speak.

I shook my head and closed my eyes again.

He pinched the back of my hand. Hard. It hurt. My eyes flew open.

'Speak. Or Ill pick up the phone and before you know it youll be up to your ears in doctors and aunts. What happened, Jenny? Tell me. Now.

It took some doing and half of me hoped hed get fed up and go, but he didnt. Finally, in a tiny thread of a voice, I said, 'I lost my friend.

Which was true.

He didnt bother with easy sympathy. 'Do I know him or her?

I shook my head. He saw my laptop nearby.

'An Internet friend?

Yes, that would do.

I nodded.

'What happened?

'It was very sudden. Hes just gone.

'Just like that? No warning?

I shook my head.

'Had you known your friend long?

'Fifteen years.

'Oh, Jenny. And its not as if you had that many friends to begin with. Were you close?

'I told him everything. He helped me. He made things not so bad.

If he noticed the 'he, he made no comment.

We sat in silence for a long time.

'Its not easy, losing someone. Without warning. Its like having a piece of yourself ripped out.

I nodded. That was exactly what it was like. He knew. Hed lost his mother. Hed lost Francesca. Both without warning.

'It doesnt do to dwell too much on the past, Jenny. Trust me. Of course you must respect the memory of your friend and the best way to do that is to carry on with your life. Hold the memories in your heart. Keep them safe and youll find theyre there when you need them.

I nodded, not looking at the empty corner.

'Now, up you get. Come down and have something to eat. Theres donkeys to feed, gardens to work in, Kevins to advise. Your friend helped you. Now the time has come to pa.s.s on that help to others.

For a moment, I could almost hear an echo of Thoma.s.s voice in the corner. Russell had said exactly the right thing. Who would have thought it?

I nodded. 'You dont look so hot yourself.

He smiled and got up. 'My wife is a darling, but very high maintenance. Ill be back in half an hour. Be ready.

I was very obedient. I did exactly as I was told. I showered and dressed, albeit very slowly. I ate what was put in front of me. I helped muck out the stables. I listened while Mrs Crisp talked of menus and household accounts. I sat with a trowel in my hand and watched Kevin work in the garden. I forgot to hide my chocolate digestives and a surprised but delighted Marilyn could hardly believe her luck. After lunch, we sat down with Kevin.

He had his letter in front of him. It was folded, but I could just see the ending 'Your loving Mum, and three kisses.

I would not have thought anything could pierce the fog of misery in which I had wrapped myself, but the sight of his face shocked me into thinking of someone other than myself for a change. Gone was the happy, relaxed Kevin who pottered about the yard, teasing and being teased by Marilyn. He looked exactly as he had on that first night. Except he was about a foot taller. And wider.

Mrs Crisp put tea on the table, shot me a worried look, and then took herself off with Sharon, who was shooting worried looks at Kevin. The only sound was the cat, sprawled belly-up in front of the range. I didnt know cats snored.

'For G.o.ds sake, said Russell, irritably. 'Someone put a tea-towel over it. A food preparation area is no place to be showing us where his privates used to be. Suppose the vicar calls. Eh?I tried to think of something anything less likely than the clergy turning up to visit the Gomorrah that was Frogmorton Farm.

'Now then, young Kevin, he said briskly, but not unkindly. 'Whats happening?

He swallowed. 'Ive had a letter from my mum, he said, which we knew, but he got no further.

I felt Russell twitch with impatience beside me, and felt a twinge of alarm, but he said only, 'Have you decided what to do?

'She wants me to go and live with her again. Hes gone. My step-dads gone. But ... he trailed off, blinking at the letter.

'But youre not sure if you want to go back, supplied Russell. 'Youre worried the same thing might happen again when the next man comes along. Youre not sure how you feel about her making you leave in the first place. And youre worried well make you leave now you have somewhere to go. Youve had a taste of independence and you like it here.

And if he leaves he wont be able to spend his days being reduced to blus.h.i.+ng incoherency every time Sharon looks at him, I thought.

'But, continued Russell, 'you feel bad because you do really want to see your mum again, but youre not sure what to say or do when you do see her.

He nodded.