Part 15 (2/2)

”The - game?” I echoed, a sudden disturbance making me stop to look up at Ranander. ”What game?”

”Oh, Fearin likes to play a game with girls too innocent to know better than to believe him,”

Ranander answered with a dismissive wave of one hand. ”He could use the Power to make them believe anything he says, but he claims it's more fun talking them into going along with him. He tells them how lonely he is, how hard it is to be a man of Power, and by the time he's done they're giving him anything he wants. He thinks treating them like that is funny, especially when he gets tired of them and tells them the truth. They feel so humiliated they just run away, and he doesn't have to be bothered anymore. I never thought that was very funny, but he says I have no sense of humor. Do you think it's funny?”

He stood waiting for an answer to his question, his dark eyes looking down at me, but I couldn't say anything. My lips parted as I reached for words, but they simply weren't there. All I found was a terrible illness, worse than anything I'd ever felt. It rose up inside and began to overwhelm me, and all I could do was turn and run.

I ran through the small stand of trees almost to its other side, then stopped just as suddenly as I'd started. Ranander hadn't followed the way I'd been afraid he would, so I could just stand there and be alone. Not far away I could see guardsmen moving through the temporary camp, or lying down in the meadow gra.s.s, or - ”You stupid fool!” I whispered aloud, putting both hands to the rough bark of a tree as I closed my eyes in shame. The feared Kenoss fighter, the horrifying Shadowborn - made a fool of by a man who had seen right through her.

”He knew how you felt about him and he took advantage of it,” I whispered harshly, folding to the ground as my hands trailed down the tree. And I'd thought I'd kept it so secret, even from myself. Fearin was a beautiful man, broad and handsome and skilled and self-a.s.sured - and one who couldn't possibly find interest in me as I now was. I'd wanted him to be interested, wanted it very badly - and then he'd asked me to pretend - There were tears running down my cheeks backed by the sobs heaving my chest, but I didn't care. It hurt so much I thought I would break, shatter like gla.s.s and be left scattered and dead in those woods forever. I'd been hurt in my life, many times and sometimes so badly I'd thought I'd die, but I'd never before wanted to die. Now I did, and I wished with all my heart that it would happen.

But of course it wouldn't. Even with tears streaming down my face I knew that, and I couldn't say I didn't deserve to have the pain continue. I should have known better than to trust him,should have known better than to believe anything would ever change for me. I'd been happy this morning, having forgotten there was no such thing as happiness, not for me, not ever. They care about you, he'd said, not I care about you. He hadn't lied about that, at least, but I hadn't even noticed.

I sat there cross-legged, holding to the tree as the terrible ache moved through me, and after a while the tears went away. As usual the tears hadn't changed anything at all, and I was glad when they stopped. My head felt heavy and I was completely drained, two more things to add to all the rest. When you act like a fool, you find out what a lot of different sensations feel like.

I have no idea how long I sat there hating myself, but the longer my thoughts raged on the worse I felt. He'd been playing a game, for the G.o.ds' sake, because his tastes ran to innocent meat. Me, innocent meat! At some point the rage began to grow, a dirty, ugly tide that wanted to drown me in blood red. His blood red. The sword Ijarin had given me hung around my hips, and I could feel the thirst in it to slice flesh and stain the ground - No! I opened my eyes to stare at the tree, knowing killing Fearin would be too easy. I would give myself the pleasure of that eventually, but not with a weapon and not before I returned some of the hurt and humiliation he'd given me. I would shred his pride before I shredded his body, in as many ways as I could. I needed something really good to start with, something - My left hand had gone to the hilt of my sword, and just like that I had the answer. Ijarin, and the sudden dislike Fearin had developed for him. The others had all said Ijarin was after me, and for the physical, at least, it was possible they were right. If I gave Ijarin what he wanted I could then turn around and laugh at Fearin, telling him in so many words that the barbarian was able to satisfy me in a way Fearin couldn't. The man of Power would be furious with damaged pride, and that would be the perfect start.

”Yes.” I spoke the word aloud with great satisfaction, softly but with deep feeling. I would attack Fearin's pride at every point it was possible to reach, and then I might well have the good fortune to find him attacking me. At that point I would simply be defending myself, and whatever happened could not be laid at my feet by Diin-tha.

I got to my feet and began to look around, this time with purpose. Ijarin had been with his men, and I'd caught a glimpse of them ... There! West of the stand of trees I'd stopped in and well out of the way. He must have been warned about the announcement scheduled to be made, and was keeping his group out from under foot in case there was trouble.

”And they've even put up a tent,” I muttered to myself, seeing most of the riders outside the thing. ”Maybe they're afraid their prince will melt if he's left out in the sun too long. It would be typical of barbarians...”

I let the words trail off and didn't restart them. If I was going to use Ijarin to get back at Fearin, the least I could do was refrain from insulting the barbarian. I nodded to myself as I started off in that direction, acknowledging the fact that I had to be fair. Afterward I would owe Ijarin something for the help he would be, and I would pay the debt even if it meant listening to details about that stupid prophecy.

It didn't take long to reach their tiny camp-within-a-camp, and the men I pa.s.sed looked at me with curiosity. They were dressed the same as Ijarin, boots, tight trousers and bare-chested, and all were armed. I strode right past them and into the tent, which was open in the center both front and back to create a nicely comfortable breeze. The barbarian and two of his men sat to the left, drinking wine, but all three came quickly to their feet when I appeared so abruptly.

”I want to talk to you,” I said to Ijarin, ignoring the other two. ”Right now, and alone.”

I expected his men to have the good sense to leave immediately, but rather than doing that they both looked at the barbarian. He was busy inspecting me with those light eyes of his, both brows slightly raised. After a moment he smiled faintly and nodded, and the two finally left.

”They're not sure it's safe to leave me alone with you,” Ijarin said when they were gone, his amus.e.m.e.nt obvious. ”They can see you're the one the sword was made for, and also know the last thing you said to me. They really don't care for the idea of having to take my dead bodyhome to my father.”

”Then let's set their minds at rest, even if it's only a little,” I returned, reaching to my swordbelt. Opening the belt and dropping it to the ground took no more than a moment, and then I was able to move closer to Ijarin. ”Now, push me.”

”Do what?” he asked blankly, the amus.e.m.e.nt gone behind brow-raising puzzlement. ”What are you talking about?”

”I said, push me!” I repeated in a harder tone, having no patience for bush-beating. ”Put your hands to my shoulders and push.”

He clearly still had no idea what I was doing, but he could see I was in no mood to waste time answering questions. Since I stood no more than a pace in front of him with my fists to my hips, it took no effort at all on his part to reach out with both hands. The strength he put into the push might have bothered the balance of a toddler just learning to walk, but since I was expecting little or nothing I was completely prepared. As soon as I felt the feather-light double tap I let myself fall backward, flat down to the thick, cus.h.i.+oning meadow gra.s.s the tent had been pitched over.

”I declare myself bested,” I said while I lay stretched out, then was able to sit up and rise smoothly to my feet again. ”All right, that's taken care of. Do you want to come to my tent tonight, or would you rather I come here?”

He stood staring down at me in silence, arms folded across his chest and face creased into a frown, obviously trying to understand what had happened. I left him to settle his mind in peace and began to look him over, the sudden thought of what I'd be doing with him making me curious. He and Fearin were about the same height, and their shoulder width wasn't much different either. Ijarin's hands were slightly bigger, though, and not quite as fine-fingered. I wondered if there were other size differences, and if so...

”Will you please stop looking at me as if I were a goat you intended to sacrifice to the G.o.ds?”

he said suddenly, a faint annoyance in his tone. ”I've managed to figure out that I've just been accorded an unexpected honor, but I still don't understand why. What's this all about?”

”What difference does it make?” I countered, walking back to retrieve my sword. ”All you have to decide on is the location. If you're afraid of having your image tarnished by me coming here, you can come to my tent instead.”

”Aelana, this doesn't make any sense,” he said with a sigh, clearly forcing patience on himself.

”You've done nothing but insult me from the first moment we met, and now, out of the blue, you're inviting me into your bed? If nothing else, I'm ent.i.tled to an explanation.”

I thought about that for a moment, wondering if he was right, then shook my head.

”No, you're not ent.i.tled to an explanation,” I denied, looking over at him with my fingers to my swordbelt. ”All you're ent.i.tled to do is accept or refuse. If you're not interested I'll just have to look elsewhere.”

I held my expression completely neutral, trying very hard to keep him from knowing I didn't want to look elsewhere even if I'd had where to look. He was the one Fearin would hate losing to, so he was the one I had to have. He'd seemed to be making a habit of doing exactly what I didn't want him to, so if I acted as though I were trying to make him refuse he ought to immediately agree.

”You make this whole thing sound so enticing, I don't know why I'm hesitating,” he commented, his words and accompanying expression very dry. ”I know I'll probably regret asking this, but what will Master Fearin be doing while I'm entertaining you? And if you try to suggest he doesn't have to know, I'll paddle your backside right here and now.”

”What makes you think Fearin has anything to do with this?” I demanded, privately appalled that he had even asked. ”He may be the leader of this attack force, but he has no say over what I do. If you feel you need his permission first, I've obviously come to the wrong tent.”

”So that's it,” Ijarin said, his head coming up as his tone went flat. ”The High Master said or did something to get you mad, and you've decided to walk away and leave him standing. Wouldyou like to tell me what it is you use to think with? It's fairly obvious it couldn't possibly be brains.”

”If you're trying to make a point, you'd better get it said,” I growled, fighting off an avalanche of insult. If I hadn't needed that idiot barbarian...

”The point is made,” he growled back, putting his fists to his hips. ”You've spent at least two nights in Fearin's bed, and I've seen the way he looks at you. If you're not with him again this night, it won't be his choice. Don't you have any idea at all of what you're trying to do? Think about the amount of Power he wields, and then picture him getting angry. Forgetting about me, do you really want yourself on the receiving end of that?”

”He won't use his Power on me,” I returned with a snort, pa.s.sing over any mention of Diin-tha.

”And even if he decided to, he still doesn't frighten me. If you don't feel the same, I can see I have come to the wrong tent. I hope you'll pardon the intrusion.”

”Hold it right there,” he ordered as I began to turn to leave. ”Considering that the G.o.ds tend to protect fools and little children, I can believe you're not afraid of Fearin's Power. And I doubt that you really understand how things work between men and women, so you'd better listen to me. Any man with any sense would be afraid of Fearin's reaction to your bright new idea, but I don't think most of the others know about what's been going on between you. If you offer them what you offered me they'll probably accept, and that could well be the end of them.”

”I don't believe that,” I said with my back to him, not wanting to believe it. ”Fearin needs them badly, and he'd be a fool to cause them harm.”

”Of course he would be a fool to harm them,” Ijarin agreed, taking his turn at snorting. ”But that doesn't mean he would refrain. A man in the throes of jealousy does before he thinks, and by then it's too late to think. Why don't you tell me what you two argued about; maybe I can come up with a suggestion to settle the dispute.”

”We didn't argue and Fearin would certainly not be jealous,” I said, hating to admit that he didn't have to be. Pinched pride would do an even better job, and I'd never even thought of that.

”But you're right in what you didn't say. I can risk my own life if I please, but not the lives of innocent bystanders. Just forget I said anything. I'll come up with something else.”

”Come up with something to accomplish what?” he demanded, his big hand closing around my arm to keep me from walking out. ”Sit down with me and have some wine, and then you can tell me what this is all about.”

”But I don't want to tell you what it's about,” I informed him reasonably, turning just my head to look at him over my shoulder. ”I thought I made that clear right from the beginning.”

”Do you know what your biggest problem is?” he asked, giving me the benefit of a very light-eyed stare. ”You've done such a thorough job teaching yourself to ignore your emotions, you think everyone else is exactly the same way. How long do you intend to take before you learn that the rest of us are different, and that includes the High Master Fearin? If you wait until he's forced to teach you the lesson himself, you'll find yourself a very unhappy little girl.”

”I've already learned everything I intend to from High Master Fearin,” I said, having no trouble pulling my arm out of Ijarin's grip. ”What I intend now is doing some teaching, and if you'll take the advice of an emotionless child you'll stay well out of the way. When the time comes, I won't care much about innocent bystanders either.”

That time I did walk out, leaving behind a man who thought he knew the meaning of being annoyed. I was annoyed, and all because I had no idea what to do. I'd been used and humiliated, but getting my own back wasn't proving to be easy.

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