Part 15 (1/2)
”Only a few would take the risk to be really Powerful,” he corrected again with a faint, strange smile. ”We all have our limits, but we don't know in advance what those limits are. Most are content to wield only that amount of Power they already know they can handle. Some try for more, and some of them die. Those who live either strut around crowing about how good they are, or keep quiet while they continue on. Annoying the G.o.ds with your bragging is a good way to find your limit sooner rather than later.”
”So it could come at any time,” I said, really upset as I looked up into his eyes. He'd come back to stand near me, but that didn't explain why I was feeling so strangely bothered. ”The very next time you try to do more than you've already done... And this campaign means you keep having to do more.”
”No, that isn't true,” he said hurriedly, putting a gentle hand to my face. ”Most of what I do on this campaign is less than what I've already done, no matter how involved it looks to others. I can see I shouldn't have told you all that, or at least not in this particular way. Now you're worried about me, even though there's no need for it.”
”Worried?” I repeated blankly, then instantly jerked back from the touch of his hand. ”That's ridiculous. Why would I be worried about you?”
I was already turned away from him by then, so I used a few steps to increase the distance between us. My heart was pounding above the sour taste in my mouth, and all because of a silly misunderstanding. I wasn't worried about Fearin, how could I be? He didn't mean any more to me than I meant to him; I knew I didn't mean anything to the man, so why would I care about him?
”I didn't mean to insult you,” he said softly after a moment, clearly still in the place where he'd been. ”You only worry over someone you care about, and Kenoss women are too strong to care. Isn't that the way it works?”
”Of course it is,” I answered very low, seeing no reason to tell him he was wrong. Women among the Kenossi were strong in their caring, but for someone like me... What was the use in even thinking about it?
”Then I have a favor to ask,” he said, and his voice was still soft with a lack of demand.
”Kenossi women are too strong to care - or to need being cared about - but the rest of us aren't the same. We're ordinary mortals with mortal failings, and some of us do have weaknesses and needs. With all the people around who fear me, if just one who didn't could bring herself to pretend... I never knew I needed that, but apparently I do.”
”Needed - what?” I asked, turning my head to see that he stood looking at me where I was, an air of forlornness about him. It was almost as though he wanted desperately to come closer, but didn't dare.
”I need to have someone care about me,” he answered quietly, his blue gaze unwavering. ”I need someone to care about me, the man, not the man of Power. I know it's an unreasonablething to want in the middle of a campaign like this, but I can't seem to control the desire. That's why I'm asking you a favor. Do you think you could ... pretend to care, even though you really don't?”
With those very blue eyes directly on me, all I could do was stare back in silence. He wanted me to pretend to care for him? To pretend that I wanted his arms around me, his broad, hard body pressed up against mine? I felt in memory the gentle demand of his touch, the warmth of his lips, the excitement of his desire. How could I pretend I really wanted all that?
”You don't have to mean it,” he urged in a murmur, and I blinked back to reality to see that he now stood looking down at me from less than a pace away. ”I've come to realize that some people consider showing their feelings the worst kind of self-betrayal, so I'd never ask you to really mean it. But I thought that pretending... Since you have to stay with me anyway for the rest of the moon... You'll suffer, I know, but - Will you do it?”
He wasn't touching me at all, and somehow that made it worse. I hadn't realized how close and airless the tent was, how desperately I was beginning to long for the cool of the forest night. I wanted to run through that night, as fast as I could, away from impossible dreams and painful favors...
But I also couldn't help but remember how he'd helped me that night, after the beast had faded.
No one had ever before stayed with me during the illness of that time, stayed and worked to support me through it. Help given demands help in return, especially if it's asked for.
”I'll - try,” I whispered at last, needing to warn him that I might fail. ”I'm not very good at pretending...”
”We'll work on it together,” he promised softly, and then his arms were around me, holding me carefully to his chest. ”If I pretend too, it should go a lot more easily for you. I can't tell you how much this favor means to me...”
His hand raised my face so that I might see his smile, and then he was lowering his lips to mine.
My hands were against his chest, and as the warmth of his kiss began to flow into me I suddenly realized I was trying to hold him away. That was no way to keep my promise to try, so I slid my hands to the broad hardness of his back, holding him the way he was holding me.
Suddenly his arms tightened around me, and his kiss became a good deal deeper. He swept me along with him, but after too short a time he ended it.
”Yes, I can see you'll do just fine,” he murmured as he kissed my eyes. ”And now I think it's time to move us both into bed. If I don't do it right now, we'll be spending the night on this carpeting.”
His grin was faint but definitely there, and then he bent down to lift me into his arms. The intention caught me by surprise, so he'd already started to lift me before I could even begin to protest. From the way his grin widened I knew he would have ignored any verbal protests, but then he felt one that was absolutely physical.
”Chaos unending!” he shouted as my scabbard slammed into him, the contact loud enough to hear. ”That triple-d.a.m.ned sword!”
Very abruptly I was back on my feet, and Fearin was bending to rub at the places where he'd been caught. It was such a wildly unexpected change from what we'd been in the middle of that I had to work to keep from laughing aloud. Men seemed to use that picking-up-a-woman a lot, but apparently it didn't work very well with women who were armed.
”Don't you dare laugh,” he growled in warning as he glared over at me, making it even harder for me to keep my face straight. ”Half a hand more to the left and there would have been no reason for you not to go back to your tent. I'm tempted to believe Prince Ijarin gave you that weapon on purpose, knowing in advance what it would try to do to me.”
”If that was Ijarin's intention, I think he would have made the effort himself,” I suggested, turning away to hide an expression I knew couldn't be trusted to keep the amus.e.m.e.nt hidden.
”He may be a pest, but he also strikes me as being reasonably honorable.”
”All right, that's it,” I heard from behind me, and then I was being pulled back to face Fearin.His big hands quickly unbuckled the swordbelt and threw it away, and then they were wrapped around my arms again.
”You are not going to be defending Prince Ijarin,” I was told very sternly, the hands on my arms shaking me just a little. ”I'd be happiest if you never went near the man again, but since that's impossible we won't even discuss the point. What we will discuss is that if he needs defending, you'll let one of the others take care of the matter. That as well as anything else the prince might want.”
”I don't understand,” I said, shaking my head with the confusion I felt. ”What is it about Ijarin that's disturbing you?”
”It's - his distraction,” Fearin said quickly after something of a hesitation, his expression clearing as he released my arms. ”You're in the middle of doing me a very difficult favor, and I don't want it made harder yet. That's why I don't want him distracting you with his bother, distracting and - bothering you. Do you understand?”
”Oh ... sure,” I managed to answer with a weakly smile, preferring not to admit that I hadn't the faintest idea of what he was talking about. It was possible the strain was getting to be too much for Fearin, and if he didn't relieve it by occasionally acting really strange he would explode.
”Good, I'm glad you understand,” he said with a better smile than mine, then the smile widened into a grin. ”Now, where were we? Oh, yes, I remember.”
And then I was abruptly off the floor, this time with nothing to stop him including my wordless squawk of protest. He laughed as he carried me through a hanging to the bed he'd made for us, and after that we went back to pretending for quite a long while.
Chapter 15.
We got an early start the next morning, dawn already finding us on our way. I wore another new outfit, this time in shades of green, and I couldn't say I didn't need it. Fearin hadn't let me get out of my clothes for a long time the night before, and they'd been nothing but sweat-soaked, wrinkled lumps when we'd awakened.
The army of guardsmen moved at a brisk pace, but even a briskly moving army doesn't go very fast. My horse had no trouble keeping up throughout the morning, and was still fresh when we stopped for the noon meal. I was a little tired from lack of sleep, but otherwise felt marvelous.
I'd spent the morning's ride letting my thoughts drift, and that had made my mood even better.
Everyone was busy with preparations for the great revelation, scheduled to be made during the meal stop. Talasin would speak to one regiment at a time, Garam beside him, and soon the whole army would know where we were going. The two had ridden ahead with Fearin and taken an early meal with him, and now Fearin sat alone in the tent he'd made. He'd stay in the tent until we knew how the army was taking the news - as a just-in-case.
I dismounted and tied my horse to a small tree, giving him enough rein to let him graze, then wandered away to think more of my own thoughts. I'd seen Ijarin that morning, but only from a distance. The barbarian was riding with his men, and although he'd looked my way he'd made no effort to come any closer. I walked along through the thick carpet of gra.s.s underfoot, pleased that the barbarian had kept his distance, but even more curious. I still didn't really understand why Fearin suddenly disliked Ijarin so, and would have enjoyed asking if he knew the reason...
”Aelana, wait!” I heard from behind me, and although I would have preferred to continue on I stopped and turned around. Ranander hurried up, a smile on his face, friendliness in his dark eyes. ”If you're going to walk instead of eat I'll walk with you,” he said. ”I don't have much of anything to do right now either.”
”What about the girls?” I asked, turning to look at the small pavilion they'd been put into forthe time. ”Didn't Fearin want you to help keep an eye on them?”
”They had their meal and now they're taking a nap,” he answered with a headshake. ”Besides, he's using the Power to protect them right now. He kept you really late last night. I wanted to make sure he didn't hurt you.”
”No, Fearin didn't hurt me,” I rea.s.sured Ranander, smiling somewhere on the inside. ”At one point he gave me a stern lecture about worrying people for no reason and made me give him my word not to do it again, but he didn't hurt me.”
”I'm glad,” Ranander said with a wide, relieved smile, walking along beside me as I continued to stroll. ”I respect Fearin and admire him for his courage and ability, but you do have to be careful when you're alone with him. At least until you learn what he's really like.”
”How hard is it to know what he's really like?” I asked with some of the amus.e.m.e.nt I felt.
”Fearin doesn't pretend to be something he's not, and he seems to think it's required of him to treat people fairly. What's so sinister about that?”
”Oh, he's not sinister,” Ranander scoffed with a laugh, but then he grew sober again. ”He's just ... different from the rest of us. Even Master Lokkel occasionally makes use of one of the camp women, for instance, but Fearin refuses to touch them. He claims his taste runs to more innocent meat, and he'd been looking forward to taking the city. He was expecting to find any number of girls to play the game with.”