Part 13 (1/2)
The second half of the year was slightly better I becaan to think about things and to write stories, finally co to do withme back and forth like a pendulue e without my mother, completely and totally, and that hurt But what affectedto be able to confide in Father I didn't trust anyone but e occurred:fora boy; not for a girlfriend, but for a boyfriend I also discovered an inner happiness underneath my superficial and cheerful exterior From time to time I was quiet Now I live only for Peter, since what happens to ely on hi my prayers with the words ”Ich Janke air fur all das Cute una Liebe una Schone,” [ Thank you, God, for all that is good and dear and beautiful] and I',as das Cute; Peter's love (which is still so new and fragile and which neither of us dares to say aloud), the future, happiness and love as das Liebe; the world, nature and the tre, all that splendor, as das Schone
At such moments I don't think about all the misery, but about the beauty that still rereatly Her advice in the face ofin the world and be thankful you're not part of it” My advice is: ”Go outside, to the country, enjoy the sun and all nature has to offer Go outside and try to recapture the happiness within yourself; think of all the beauty in yourself and in everything around you and be happy”
I don't think Mother's advice can be right, because what are you supposed to do if you beco? You'd be completely lost On the contrary, beauty remains, even in misfortune If you just look for it, you discover ain your balance A person who's happy will e and faith will never die in misery! Yours, Anne M Frank
WEDNESDAY, MARCH 8, 1944
Margot and I have been writing each other notes, just for fun, of course Anne: It's strange, but I can only reht before For exa loudly last night (It's now quarter to three on Wednesday af- ternoon and Mr Dussel is snoring again, which is why it flashed through my mind, of course) When I had to use the potty, I deliberately ot: Which is better, the snoring or the gasping for air?
Anne: The snoring's better, because it stops when Ithe person in question
What I didn't write to Margot, but what I'll confess to you, dear Kitty, is that I've been dreaht before last I drea roo rink; he ith his sister, the girl with the spindly legs who alore the sa it a bit, and asked him his name It was Peter In my dream I wondered just how many Peters I actually knew!
Then I drea each other beside the stairs I said soave me a kiss, but replied that he didn't love me all thatvoice I said, ”I'lad Peter hasn't said it after all
Last night I drea each other, but Peter's cheeks were very disappointing: they weren't as soft as they looked They were more like Father's cheeks-the cheeks of a man who already shaves FRIDAY, MARCH 10, 1944
My dearest Kitty, The proverb ”Misfortunes never coot through saying it Let s that have happened and that are still hanging over our heads
First, Miep is sick, as a result of Henk and Aagje's wedding yesterday She caught cold in the Westerkerk, where the service was held Second, Mr Kleiman hasn't returned to work since the last ti, so Bep's been left to hold down the fort alone Third, the police have arrested a ) It's terrible not only for hi us with potatoes, butter and jae of thirteen, and another on the way
Last night we had another little scare: ere in the middle of dinner when suddenly someone knocked on the wall next door For the rest of the evening ere nervous and gloomy
Lately I haven't been at all in theon here I've been , I'ood-hearted Mr M, but there's not much room for him in my diary
Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday I was in Peter's room from four-thirty to five-fifteen We worked on our French and chatted about one thing and another I really look forward to that hour or so in the afternoon, but best of all is that I think Peter's just as pleased to see me
Yours, Anne M Frank
THE DIARY OF A YOUNG GIRL 213
SAturdAY, MARCH 11, 1944
Dearest Kitty, I haven't been able to sit still lately I wander up- stairs and down and then back again I like talking to Peter, but I' a nuisance He's told me a bit about the past, about his parents and about hih, and every fivefor more He used to think I was a real pain in the neck, and the feeling was ed his? I think he has, but that doesn't necessarily h as far as I'm concerned, it would make our time here more bearable But I won't let this driveabout hiet you all worked up as well, simply because I's are getting crazier here as the days go by
Peter hasn't looked atas if he'smy best not to chase after him and to talk to hi on, what th one ining that it's worse than it really is Perhaps he's just ain!
I have the hardest ti so wretched and sad I have to talk, help around the house, sit with the others and, above all, act cheerful! Most of all Ia place where I can be alone for as long as I want! I think I' all mixed up, Kitty, but then, I'm in a state of utter confusion: on the one hand, I'm half crazy with desire for hi at him; and on the other hand, I wonder why he should ain!
Day and night, during every waking hour, I do nothing but ask h chance to be alone? Have you been spending too much time upstairs? Do you talk too much about serious subjects he's not yet ready to talk about? Maybe he doesn't even like you? Has it all been your iination? But then why has he told you so much about himself? Is he sorry he did?” And a whole lot more
Yesterday afternoon I was so worn out by the sad news from the outside that I lay down on my divan for a nap All I wanted was to sleep and not have to think I slept until four, but then I had to go next door It wasn't easy, answering all Mother's questions and inventing an excuse to explain my nap to Father I pleaded a headache, which wasn't a lie, since I did have oneon the inside!
Ordinary people, ordinary girls, teenagers like myself, would think I'm a little nuts with all my self-pity But that's just it I pour my heart out to you, and the rest of the time I'm as impudent, cheerful and self-confident as possible to avoid questions and keep froot is very kind and would likeShe takes me too seriously, far too seriously, and spends a lot of ti at , ”Is she acting, or does she really ether I don't want the person I confide in to be around hts? When will I find inner peace again?
Yours, Anne
TUESDAY, MARCH 14, 1944
Dearest Kitty, It h not forlady is working downstairs, so at the moment I'm seated at the van Daans' oilcloth-covered table with a handkerchief sprinkled with fragrant prewar perfume pressed to my nose and mouth You probably don't have the faintest idea what I'” The people who supply us with food coupons have been arrested, so we have just our five black-market ra- -, tion books-no coupons, no fats and oils Since Miep and Mr Klei The food is wretched, and so are we As of toarine We can't eat fried potatoes for breakfast (which we've been doing to save on bread), so we're having hot cereal instead, and because Mrs van D thinks we're starving, we bought some half-and-half Lunch today consists of mashed potatoes and pickled kale This explains the precautionary measure with the handkerchief You wouldn't believe how much kale can stink when it's a few years old! The kitchen ss and brine Ugh, just the thought of having to eat that muck makes me want to throw up! Besides that, our potatoes have contracted such strange diseases that one out of every two buckets of poe We entertain ourselves by trying to figure out which disease they've got, and we've reached the conclusion that they suffer fro during the fourth year of the war is no picnic If only the whole stinking mess were over!
To tell you the truth, the food wouldn't matter so much to me if life here were more pleasant in other ways But that's just it: this tedious existence is starting to rown-ups on the present situation (children aren't allowed to have opinions, and for once I' to be queen of the kitchen long ago But sitting around doing nothing was boring, so I went back to cooking Still, I can't help co: it's i set in return for ratitude and rude re What's ress The Ger to starve, and when I'm in a bad mood, I snap at everyone who comes near”
Mr van Daan: ”I just smoke and smoke and smoke Then the food, the political situation and Kerli's moods don't see to set sick, then I need to eat h, and there's bound to be a fla row My Kerli's an idiot”
Mrs Frank: ”Food's not very iht now, because I'ry If I were Mrs van Daan, I'd have put a stop to Mr van Daan's sarette now, because my head's in such a whirl The van Daans are horrible people; the EnglishI should keep rateful I''s fine, I don't need a thing Stay calive me my potatoes, and I'll be quiet Better set aside so, I'm extremely optimistic”
Mr Dussel: ”I'gut,' it's 'eeht Me, me, me”
Yours, Anne
THURSDAY, MARCH 16, 1944
Dearest Kitty, Whew! Released fro today is: ”If this and that happens, we're in trouble, and if so-and-so gets sick, we'll be left to fend for ourselves, and if”
Well, you know the rest, or at any rate I assuuess what they'd be talking about
The reason for all the ”ifs” is that Mr Kugler has been called up for a six-day work detail, Bep is doith a bad cold and will probably have to stay hootten over her flu, and Mr Kleiman's stom- ach bled so much he lost consciousness What a tale of woe!
We think Mr Kugler should go directly to a reliable doctor for a medical certificate of ill health, which he can present to the City Hall in Hilversuiven a day off tomorrow, so Bep will be alone in the office If (there's another ”if') Bep has to stay home, the door will re Company won't hear us At one o'clock Jan will come for half an hour to check on us poor forsaken souls, like a zookeeper