Part 9 (2/2)

Anne

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 30, 1943

Since the last raging quarrels, things have settled down here, not only between ourselves, Dussel and ”upstairs,” but also between Mr and Mrs van D Nevertheless, a few dark thunderclouds are heading this way, and all because offood Mrs van D ca fewer potatoes in thethem for later in the day Mother and Dussel and the rest of us didn't agree with her, so noe're dividing up the potatoes as well It see doled out fairly, and Mother's going to have to put a stop to it I'll let you know if there are any interesting develop up the meat (theirs with fat, ours without), the soup (they eat it, we don't), the potatoes (theirs peeled, ours not), the extras and now the fried potatoes too If only we could split up completely!

Yours, Anne PS Bep had a picture postcard of the entire Royal Fa, and so does the Queen The three little girls are adorable It was incredibly nice of Bep, don't you think?

SUNDAY, JANUARY 2, 1944

Dearest Kitty, This es ofwith the subject of ”Mother” in such strong terms that I was shocked I said toabout hate? Oh, Anne, how could you?”

I continued to sit with the open book in er and hate that I had to confide it all to you I tried to understand the Anne of last year andas I leave you with these accusations and don't attempt to explain what pro then (and still do) fro) and allowed s only fro what the others-those whom I, with my mercurial te as they would have done

I hid inside ht of no one but myself and calmly wrote down all my joy, sarcasm and sorrow in my diary Because this diary has becoreat deal to me, but I could easily write ”over and done with” on es

I was furious at Mother (and still am a lot of the time) It's true, she didn't understand me, but I didn't understand her either Because she loved me, she was tender and affectionate, but because of the difficult situations I put her in, and the sad circumstances in which she found herself, she was nervous and irritable, so I can understand why she was often short with me

I was offended, took it far too much to heart and was insolent and beastly to her, which, in turn, ht in a vicious circle of unpleasantness and sorrow Not a very happy period for either of us, but at least it's co on, and I felt very sorry for myself, but that's understandable too

Those violent outbursts on paper are sier that, in norMother na judgroiser and Mother's nerves are a bit steadier Most of the tiue when I'm annoyed, and she does too; so on the surface, we see I can't do, and that's to love Mother with the devotion of a child

I soothe ht that it's better for unkind words to be down on paper than for Mother to have to carry them around in her heart Yours, Anne

THURSDAY, JANUARY 6, 1944

Today I have two things to confess It's going to take a long time, but I have to tell them to someone, and you're the most likely candidate, since I know you'll keep a secret, no matter what happens

The first is about Mother As you know, I've frequently complained about her and then triedwith her Mother has said that she sees us hters That's all very nice, of course, except that a friend can't take the place of a ood example and be a person I can respect, but in mostthat Margot thinks so differently about these things that she'd never be able to understand what I've just told you And Father avoids all conversations having to do with Mother

I iine a reat deal of tact, especially toward her adolescent children, and not one who, like Momsy, pokes fun at me when I cry Not because I's

This iven her for It happened one day when I had to go to the dentist Mother and Margot planned to go with reed I should take my bicycle When the dentist was finished and ere back outside, Margot and Mother very sweetly infor don to buy or look at soo along But they said I couldn't coe rushed toat ht there on the street A little old lady happened to be passing by, and she looked terribly shocked I rode h, even though Mother has wounded s whenever I think of how angry I was I find it difficult to confess the second one because it's about ive a blow-by-blow account of their trips to the bathroom, which they often do, my whole body rises in revolt

Yesterday I read an article on blushi+ng by Sis Heyster It was as if she'd addressed it directly to me Not that I blush easily, but the rest of the article did apply What she basically says is that during puberty girls withdraw into the place in their bodies I feel that too, which probably accounts for ot, Mother and Father On the other hand, Margot is a lot shyer than I am, and yet she's not in the least e toplace on the outside of my body, but also those on the inside I never discuss s with others, which is why I have to talk about theet my period (and that's only been three ti that in spite of all the pain, disco around a sweet secret So even though it's a nuisance, in a certain way I' forward to the tiain

Sis Heyster also writes that girls inning to discover that they're individuals with their own ideas, thoughts and habits I'd just turned thirteen when I ca about myself and realized that I've becoirls Soe to touchof s even before I caht at Jacque's, I could no longer restrain my curiosity about her body, which she'd always hidden from me and which I'd never seen I asked her whether, as proof of our friendishi+p, we could touch each other's breasts Jacque refused

I also had a terrible desire to kiss her, which I did Every time I see a feo into ecstasy Sole to hold back irlfriend!

THURSDAY, JANUARY 6, 1944

Dearest Kitty, My longing for someone to talk to has become so unbearable that I somehow took it into my head to select Peter for this role On the few occasions when I have gone to Peter's rooht it was nice and cozy But Peter's too polite to show so hi I've always been afraid he'd think I was a pest I've been looking for an excuse to linger in his rooot h a crossword-puzzle craze, and he doesn't do anything else all day I was helping hi across from each other at his table, Peter on the chair andwhen I looked into his dark blue eyes and sa bashful my unexpected visit had hts, and in his face I saw a look of helplessness and uncertainty as to how to behave, and at the same time a flicker of awareness of his masculinity I saw his shyness, and I melted I wanted to say, ”Tell me about yourself Look beneath my chatty exterior” But I found that it was easier to think up questions than to ask the happened, except that I told hi Not what I wrote you, of course, just that he would grow ht I lay in bed and criedsure no one could hearPeter for favors was si to satisfy their longings; take me, for example, I've et him to talk to me

You mustn't think I'm in love with Peter, because I'hter instead of a son, I'd have tried toI woke up just before seven and i about I was sitting on a chair and across fro at a book of drawings by Mary Bos The dreas But that wasn't all-the dream went on Peter's eyes suddenlytime into those velvety brown eyes Then he said very softly, ”If I'd only known, I'd have coo!” I turned abruptly away, overcoentle cheek against ood

At that point I woke up, still feeling his cheek againstdeep into my heart, so deep that he could read how ain my eyes filled with tears, and I was sad because I'd lost hilad because I kneith certainty that Peter is still the only one for es in randrandmother on her mother's side] so clearly that I could even make out her skin of soft, crinkly velvet Another tiel After that it was Hanneli, who still sy of eneral, so that when I' for all the Jews and all those in need

And now Peter, e of hiraph, I can see him oh so well

Yours, Anne

FRIDAY, ]ANUARY 7, 1944

Dearest Kitty, I'ot that I haven't yet told you the story of irl, way back in kindergarten, I took a liking to Sally Kione, and he and his ood-looking, slender, dark-haired boy named Appy, who later turned out to look like a movie idol and aroused more ad tiether, but aside from that, my love was unrequited until Peter crossed my path I had an out-and-out crush on him He liked me too, and ere inseparable for one whole suhborhood, Peter in a white cotton suit and me in a short summer dress At the end of the surade at the rammar school He'd pick me up on the way hoood-looking and slender, with a serious, quiet and intelligent face He had dark hair, beautiful brown eyes, ruddy cheeks and a nicely pointed nose I was crazy about his smile, which one away to the countryside during suer at his old address; he'dwith a much older boy, who apparently told hi me I loved hiing to him until the day I finally realized that if I continued to chase after him, people would say I was boy-crazy

The years went by Peter hung around with girls his own age and no longer bothered to say hello to me I started school at the Jewish Lyceum, and several boys in my class were in love with me I enjoyed it and felt honored by their attentions, but that was all Later on, hello had a terrible crush on ain

There's a saying: ”Time heals all wounds” That's hoith er liked hi that I had to ader liked hi I realized that nothing has changed; on the contrary, as I've grown older andwith ht I was childish, and yet it still hurts to think he'd forgotten me completely I saw his face so clearly; I knew for certain that no one but Peter could have stuck in my mind that way

I've been in an utter state of confusion today When Father kissed , I wanted to shout, ”Oh, if only you were Peter!” I've been thinking of hi toPetel”

Where can I find help? I si to God that, if we ever get out of here, Peter's path will cross aze into my eyes, read the love in them and say, ”Oh, Anne, if I'd only known, I'd have co about sex, he said I was too young to understand that kind of desire But I thought I did understand it, and now I' Petel!

I saw my face in the mirror, and it looked so different My eyes were clear and deep, my cheeks were rosy, which they hadn't been in weeks, my mouth wasso sad in my expression that the smile immediately faded fro ofat ainstto free e? Wouldn't anyone who took your place be a poor substitute? I love you, with a love so great that it si inside nitude

A week ago, even a day ago, if you'd asked me, ”Which of your friends do you think you'd be most likely to ood, peaceful and safe!” But now I'd cry, ”Petel, because I love him with all my heart and all my soul I surrender : heI i on the floor by the s, and after talking for a while, we both began to cry Moments later I felt his mouth and his wonderful cheek! Oh, Petel, come to me Think of me, my dearest Petel!