Part 9 (1/2)

And I can't help her I can only stand by and watch while other people suffer and die All I can do is pray to God to bring her back to us I saw Hanneli, and no one else, and I understood why I h to understand how difficult it was for her She was devoted to her girlfriend, and itto take her away The poor thing, shein ot selfishly wrapped up again in my own problems and pleasures

It wasateyes If only I could help her! Dear God, I have everything I could wish for, while fate has her in its deadly clutches She was as devout as I aht But then why have I been chosen to live, while she's probably going to die? What's the difference between us? Why areso far apart?

To be honest, I hadn't thought of her for otten her entirely, and yet it wasn't until I saw her before

Oh, Hanneli, I hope that if you live to the end of the war and return to us, I'll be able to take you in andI've done you But even if I were ever in a position to help, she wouldn't need it more than she does noonder if she ever thinks of ? Merciful God, comfort her, so that at least she won't be alone Oh, if only You could tell her I'ht help her go on

I've got to stop dwelling on this It won't gether enormous eyes, and they haunt me Does Hanneli really and truly believe in God, or has religion merely been foisted upon her? I don't even know that I never took the trouble to ask

Hanneli, Hanneli, if only I could take you away, if only I could share everything I have with you It's too late I can't help, or undo the wrong I've done But I'll never forget her again and I'll always pray for her! Yours, Anne

MONDAY, DECEMBER 6, 1943

Dearest Kitty, The closer it got to St Nicholas Day, the ht back to last year's festively decorated basket

More than anyone, I thought it would be terrible to skip a celebration this year After long deliberation, I finally ca funny I consulted ri a verse for each person Sunday evening at a quarter to eight we trooped upstairs carrying the big laundry basket, which had been decorated with cutouts and bows e piece of brorapping paper with a note attached Everyone was rather aift I reain St Nicholas Day Has even come to our hideaway; It won't be quite as Jun, I fear, As the happy day we had last year

Then ere hopeful, no reason to doubt That optimism would win the bout, And by the time this year came round, We'd all be free, and s and sound

Still, let's not Jorget it's St Nicholas Day, Though we've nothing left to give away

We'll have to find so else to do: So everyone please look in their shoe!”

As each person took their own shoe out of the basket, there was a roar of laughter Inside each shoe was a little wrapped package addressed to its owner Yours, Anne Dearest Kitty, A bad case of flu has preventedsick here is dreadful With every cough, I had to duck under the blanket-once, twice, three ti anyo away, so I had to drink et dizzy just thinking about all the cures I've been subjected to: sweating out the fever, steam treatpad, hot-water bottles, lemonade and, every two hours, the thermometer Will these remedies really make you better? The worst part hen Mr Dussel decided to play doctor and lay his pomaded head on my bare chest to listen to the sounds Not only did his hair tickle, but I was eo and does have soree Why should he lay his head on my heart? After all, he's not my boyfriend! For that matter, he wouldn't be able to tell a healthy sound from an unhealthy one

He'd have to have his ears cleaned first, since he's becoh about rown al to get back to my books

Ausnahmsweise (the only word that will do here [ By way of exception]), we're all getting on well together No squabbles, though that probably won't last long There hasn't been such peace and quiet in this house for at least six months

Bep is still in isolation, but any day now her sister will no longer be contagious

For Christ oil, candy and ave Mrs van Daan and Mother a beautiful cake, which he'd asked Miep to bake On top of all the work she has to do! Margot and I received a brooch ht and shi+ny I can't really describe it, but it's lovely

I also have a Christmas present for Miep and Bep For a whole ar I put on my hot cereal, and Mr Kleiman has used it to have fondant made

The weather is drizzly and overcast, the stove stinks, and the food lies heavily on our sto a variety of rumbles

The war is at an impasse, spirits are low

Yours, Anne

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 24, 1943

Dear Kitty, As I've written you many times before, moods have a tendency to affect us quite a bit here, and inworse lately ”Himmelhoch jauchzend, zu Tode betru'bt” [ A famous line from Goethe: ”On top of the world, or in the depths of despair”] certainly applies to me I'm ”on top of the world” when I think of how fortunate we are and compare myself to other Jewish children, and ”in the depths of despair” when, for example, Mrs Kleiman comes by and talks about Jopie's hockey club, canoe trips, school plays and afternoon teas with friends

I don't think I'ood tih so hard it hurts

We're stuck in this house like lepers, especially during winter and the Christmas and New Year's holidays Actually, I shouldn't even be writing this, since itto : ”Paper is more patient than people” Whenever someone comes in from outside, with the wind in their clothes and the cold on their cheeks, I feel like burying , ”When e be allowed to breathe fresh air again?” I can't do that-on the contrary, I have to hold hts keep co anyway Not just once, but over and over Believe et to be too nored, noto ride a bike, dance, whistle, look at the world, feel young and know that I'ine ould happen if all eight of us were to feel sorry for ourselves or walk around with the discontent clearly visible on our faces Where would that get us? I sometimes wonder if anyone will ever understand what I ratitude and not worry about whether or not I'er badly in need of soood plain fun I don't know, and I wouldn't be able to talk about it with anyone, since I' as you don't cry alone Despite all my theories and efforts, IaI do and write, I iine the kind of mom I'd like to be to my children later on The kind ofpeople say too seriously, but who does take me seriously I find it difficult to describe what I mean, but the word' 'mom” says it all Do you knohat I've cothat sounds like ”Mom,” I often call her” Momsy” Sometimes I shorten it to ”Mo the ”s” It's a good thing she doesn't realize this, since it would only h of that My writing has raised me somewhat from ”the depths of despair”

Yours, Anne It's the day after Christ about Pim and the story he toldof his words then as well as I do now If only he'd bring it up again, I ht be able to show him I understood what he meant!

I think Pim told me because he, who knows the ”intimate secrets” of so s for once; Piot has any inkling of what he's been through Poor Piirl He never will It's , since he's not blind to Mother's faults I hope I'h what he has!

Anne

MONDAY, DECEMBER 27, 1943

Friday evening, for the first time in ler and the girls had prepared a wonderful surprise for us Miep made a delicious Christmas cake with ”Peace 1944” written on top, and Bep provided a batch of cookies that was up to prewar standards

There was a jar of yogurt for Peter, Margot and ain everything rapped so nicely, with pretty pictures glued to the packages For the rest, the holidays passed by quickly for us

Anne

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 29, 1943

I was very sad again last night Grandma and Hanneli came to me once more Grandma, oh, my sweet Grandma How little we understood what she suffered, how kind she alas and what an interest she took in everything that concerned us And to think that all that ti her terrible secret[Anne's grandmother was terood She would never have let any of us down Whatever happened, no matter how much I misbehaved, Grandma always stuck up for me Grandma, did you love me, or did you not understand me either? I don't kno lonely Grandma must have been, in spite of us You can be lonely even when you're loved by many people, since you're still not bd'”dI” any 0 y s one an only

And Hanneli? Is she still alive? What's she doing? Dear God, watch over her and bring her back to us Hanneli, you're a re oes on here? Shouldn't I be happy, contented and glad, except when I' with her? I'm selfish and cowardly Why do I always think and dreas and want to screa, I still don't have enough faith in God He's given me so much, which I don't deserve, and yet each day Iof those you hold dear can reduce you to tears; in fact, you could spend the whole day crying The most you can do is pray for God to perform aenough of that!