Part 10 (1/2)

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 12, 1944

Dearest Kitty, Bep's been back for the last teeks, though her sister won't be allowed back at school until next week Bep herself spent two days in bed with a bad cold Miep and Jan were also out for two days, with upset stoh a dance and ballet craze and a I've made an ultra to Moh the top and tied just above the bust A pink corded ribbon completes the ensemble I tried to turn my tennis shoes into ballet slippers, but with no success My stiff li as limber as they used to be A terrific exercise is to sit on the floor, place a heel in each hand and raise both legs in the air I have to sit on a cushi+on, because otherwise

Everyone here is reading a book called A Cloudless Morning Mother thought it was extreood because it describes a nuht to myself, a bit ironically, ”Why don't you take more interest in your own adolescents first!”

I think Mother believes that Margot and I have a better relationshi+p with our parents than anyone in the whole orld, and that no mother is more involved in the lives of her children than she is She ot has the sahts as I do Far be it frohters is not at all what she iines She'd be coe; I'd like to spare her that grief, especially since I know that everything would reot loves her h a phase Margot's gotten much nicer She seems a lot different than she used to be She's not nearly as catty these days and is becoer thinks of me as a litde kid who doesn't count

It's funny, but I can sometimes see myself as others see me I take a leisurely look at the person called ”Anne Frank” and browse through the pages of her life as though she were a stranger

Before I cas asthat I didn't belong to Moot and that I would always be an outsider I so I was an orphan Then I'd chastisethe victim, when really, I'd always been so fortunate After that I'd forcewhen I heard footsteps on the stairs, I hoped it would be Mother coreet her warlance But then she'd snap at o off to school feeling coed

On the way ho h spirits, chatting nineteen to the dozen, until the events of thewould repeat the in my hand and a pensive look on ry, but then I always had so etand lend a willing ear Then the tier listened for the steps on the stairs and felt lonely and cried into otten much worse here But you already knew that Now God has sent someone to help me: Peter I fondle my pendant, press it to my lips and think, ”What do I care! Petel is mine and nobody knows it!” With this in mind, I can rise above every nasty reoing on in the irl?

SAturdAY, JANUARY 15, 1944

My dearest Kitty, There's no reason for uh to tell you that we've dividedour own potatoes Recently we've been eating a little extra rye bread because by four o'clock we're so hungry for dinner we can barely control our ru sto She received soler, which sparked off jealousy on the part of the van Daans, because Mrs van D didn't receive any on her birthday But what's the point of boring you with harsh words, spiteful conversations and tears when you know they bore us even more?

Mother has expressed a wish, which isn't likely to come true any time soon: not to have to see Mr van Daan's face for thole weeks I wonder if everyone who shares a house sooner or later ends up at odds with their fellow residents Or have we just had a stroke of bad luck? At mealtime, when Dussel helps hiravy boat and leaves the rest of us to do without, I losehi hiy and selfish? I've gained soood, but I've had enough for the present Peter says the sao on despite our quarrels and our longing for freedom and fresh air, so we should try to , but I also believe that if I live here er, I'll turn into a dried-up old beanstalk And all I really want is to be an honest-to-goodness teenager!

Yours, Anne

WEDNESDAY EVENING, JANUARY 19, 1944

Dearest Kitty, I (there I go again!) don't knohat's happened, but since ed By the way, I dreaain I felt his eyes penetrate mine, but this dream was less vivid and not quite as beautiful as the last

You know that I always used to be jealous of Margot's relationshi+p with Father There's not a trace of my jealousy left now; I still feel hurt when Father's nerves cause him to be unreasonable towardthe way you are You talk so much about the minds of children and adolescents, but you don't know the first thing about thes and kisses Isn't it awful of me to be so preoccupied with ive theive Mother too, but every tihs at me, it's all I can do to controlwhat I should; will I ever be?

Anne Frank PS Father asked if I told you about the cake For Mother's birthday, she received a real mocha cake, prewar quality, from the office It was a really nice day! But at the s like that SAturdAY, JANUARY 22, 1944 Dearest Kitty, Can you tell ths to hide their real selves? Or why I always behave very differently when I'm in the company of others? Why do people have so little trust in one another? I know there must be a reason, but sometimes I think it's horrible that you can't ever confide in anyone, not even those closest to you

It seeht I had that dream, as if I've become more independent You'll be amazed when I tell you that even ed I've stopped looking at all the discussions and arguht on such a radical change? Well, you see, I suddenly realized that if Mother had been different, if she'd been a real mom, our relationshi+p would have been very, very different Mrs van Daan is by no uments could have been avoided if Mother hadn't been so hard to deal with every tiot onto a tricky subject Mrs van Daan does have one good point, though: you can talk to her She y and underhanded, but she'll readily back down as long as you don't provoke her and make her unreasonable This tactic doesn't work every ti and see how far you get

All the conflicts about our upbringing, about not pa, absolutely everything-ht have taken a different turn if we'd re the worst side

I know exactly what you're going to say, Kitty

”But, Anne, are these words really co from your lips? From you, who have had to put up with so many unkind words from upstairs? From you, who are aware of all the injustices?”

And yet they are cos and form my own opinion, not just ape my parents, as in the proverb ”The apple never falls far from the tree” I want to reexamine the van Daans and decide for myself what's true and what's been blown out of proportion If I wind up being disappointed in them, I can always side with Father and Mother But if not, I can try to change their attitude And if that doesn't work, I'll have to stick with ment I'll take every opportunity to speak openly to Mrs van D about our many differences and not be afraid -- despite my reputation as a s negative about h that doesn't mean I won't defend the is a thing of the past Up to noas absolutely convinced that the van Daans were entirely to blaely ours We were right as far as the subject ent people (such as ourselves!) should have ot at least a touch of that insight, and that I'll find an occasion to put it to good use

Yours, Anne

MONDAY, JANUARY 24, 1944

Dearest Kitty, A very strange thing has happened to ht word) Before I came here, whenever anyone at home or at school talked about sex, they were either secretive or disgusting Any words having to do with sex were spoken in a lohisper, and kids eren't in the knoere often laughed at That struck me as odd, and I often wondered why people were so mysterious or obnoxious when they talked about this subject But because I couldn't change things, I said as little as possible or asked irlfriends for information After I'd learned quite a lot, Mother once said to ood advice Never discuss this with boys, and if they bring it up, don't answer them”

I still reine!” And nothing , Father often told s I'd rather have heard fros I picked up in conversations

Peter van Daan wasn't ever as obnoxious about this subject as the boys at school Or h he wasn't trying to get me to talk Mrs van Daan once told us she'd never discussed these matters with Peter, and as far as she knew, neither had her husband Apparently she didn't even kno ot his infor potatoes, the conversation somehow turned to Boche ”We're still not sure whether Boche is a boy or a girl, are we?” I asked

Yes we are, he answered ”Boche is a tonant”

Peter and Margot joined in the laughter You see, a o Peter infor, because her sto However, Boche's fat tummy turned out to be due to a bunch of stolen bones No kittens were growing inside, much less about to be born

Peter felt called upon to defend hiainst my accusation ”Co around with the cat one day, and I could definitely see it was a 'he' ”

Unable to restrain my curiosity, I ith hi visitors at that hour, and was nowhere in sight We waited for a while, but when it got cold, ent back upstairs Later that afternoon I heard Peter go downstairs for the second tih the silent house bytable, playing with Peter, as getting ready to put hih him

”Hi, do you want to have a look?” Without any preliminaries, he picked up the cat, turned hian the lesson ”This is the an, these are a few stray hairs, and that's his backside”

The cat flipped himself over and stood up on his little white feet If any other boy had pointed out the ”iven hi in a normal voice about what is otherwise a very aard subject Nor did he have any ulterior motives By the ti norood ti warehouse to the door ”Were you there when Mouschi was fixed?”

”Yeah, sure It doesn't take long They give the cat an anesthetic, of course” ”Do they take so out?”

”No, the vet just snips the tube There's nothing to see on the outside” I had to get up my nerve to ask a question, since it wasn't as ”norht ”Peter, the Geran,' doesn't it? But then the male and female ones have different naina, that I know, but I don't knohat it's called in males”

”Oh well,” I said ”How are we supposed to know these words? Most of the time you just come across them by accident”

”Why wait? I'll ask my parents They know more than I do and they've had more experience”