Part 13 (1/2)
The Court, finding the former Vice President's endors.e.m.e.nt of Mr. Dean unconst.i.tutional, transferred his endors.e.m.e.nt to President George W. Bush instead.
Writing for the majority, Chief Justice William Rehnquist said, ”There's really no explanation necessary-we're the Supreme Court, and if you don't like it, you can stick it where the moon don't s.h.i.+ne.”
While some Democrats howled that the Court was inappropriately politicizing itself with its controversial decision, Mr. Gore accepted the ruling, saying, ”After four minutes of partisan wrangling over this matter, it is time for us to move on.”
Mr. Gore expressed some regret that his endors.e.m.e.nt had been transferred from Mr. Dean to Mr. Bush, but added, ”It'll be nice to be on the winning side for a change.”
The Supreme Court's decision to overturn Al Gore's endors.e.m.e.nt of Howard Dean by a 5-4 margin stirred fresh controversy in Was.h.i.+ngton.
But Mr. Gore's endors.e.m.e.nt could turn out to be a mixed blessing for the Bush campaign, as a survey of those who heard Mr. Gore's Harlem speech showed that 55 percent felt ”drowsy,” while 40 percent ”lost consciousness altogether.”
In other news from the White House, President Bush said today that he was determined to find the person or persons responsible for leaking the similarities between Iraq and Vietnam, and reminded the press that Iraq, in his words, was ”much sandier.”
SOLAR FLARE BRIEFLY KNOCKS OUT STING'S EGO
Impact on Singer Expected To Be Temporary, Scientists Say A gigantic solar flare slammed into the Earth's magnetic field on Wednesday morning, briefly knocking out the ego of singer-actor Sting, scientists said.
The performer was promoting his new book, a memoir ent.i.tled Broken Music, on the television program Live with Regis and Kelly, when the solar flare slammed into the Earth's magnetic field.
Sting had begun telling the program's co-hosts about how his lifelong love affair with music began, when he suddenly stopped, mid-sentence.
”Oh, who the b.l.o.o.d.y h.e.l.l cares?” Sting said, the audience gasping as he tossed his book aside in apparent disgust.
It was only hours later that scientists determined that the former Police front man's loss of ego, believed to be temporary in nature, had been caused by the solar flare, surprising many experts.
”We had thought that the solar flare would have an effect on satellite and cellular phone transmissions,” said Dr. Kenneth Reid, a solar flare expert at the University of Minnesota's Clausen Observatory. ”We had no idea that it was powerful enough to knock out Sting's ego.”
Elsewhere, a.s.sociates of the pop singer and MTV star Jessica Simpson said that the solar flare might have caused Ms. Simpson's brain to function temporarily.
The ego of Sting (above) was expected to make a full recovery.
Moments after the flare hit the Earth's magnetic field, Ms. Simpson was observed correctly identifying canned tuna and brus.h.i.+ng her teeth without a.s.sistance.
Ms. Simpson's behavior was an ”aberration,” Dr. Reid said, and she was expected to be back to b.u.mping into doors and walls within hours.
DAVID BLAINE TO GO 44 DAYS WITHOUT PUBLICITY.
Boldest Stunt Yet for Master Magician Internationally renowned magician David Blaine stunned the world today by announcing that for his next stunt he would attempt to go forty-four days without publicity.
A spokesman for the master illusionist confirmed that, commencing November 1, Mr. Blaine would go forty-four days ”without generating headlines, appearing in TV specials, or being photographed in New York nightclubs with German supermodels.”
While some in the world of magic and illusion called Mr. Blaine's audacious new stunt his boldest ever, others doubted that he could pull it off.
Dr. Randall Kendrick, an adjunct professor at the University of Minnesota who teaches a graduate course in the history of celebrity magicians, is among the doubters.
”It is important to remember that, in addition to being a magician, Mr. Blaine is a celebrity,” Dr. Kendrick says. ”Celebrities can go without a lot of things for forty-four days-carbs, for example-but publicity is not one of them.”
Dr. Kendrick points to the example of on-again, off-again lovebirds Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck, who canceled their wedding after complaining about the overwhelming crush of publicity, only to be photographed procuring a gun license together a few days later, making tabloid headlines around the world.
”By most estimates, J. Lo and Ben were able to go approximately thirty-six hours without publicity,” Dr. Kendrick says. ”I'd be surprised if David Blaine holds out much longer than that.”
In other news, the State of Illinois announced today that it would start buying drugs from Canada, while the State of Ohio confirmed that it would start sleeping with Sweden.
If magician David Blaine (pictured) is to succeed in going forty-four days without publicity, he may have to put his s.h.i.+rt back on, experts say.
MANY HALLIBURTON EXECS STILL WITHOUT EVIAN.
Cheney Urges Patience One month after the conclusion of the active combat phase of the war in Iraq, many Halliburton executives stationed in that country are still without Evian water and other basic necessities, a spokesman for the executives said today.
”We have been promised Evian for weeks, but so far that has been an empty promise,” said Kenneth Barber, the Halliburton spokesman. ”It is time for the U.S. to back up its words with actions.”
Halliburton executives stationed in Iraq have been without Evian for weeks, the company confirmed today.
Mr. Barber said that weeks ago, a representative of interim administrator L. Paul Bremer asked the Halliburton employees what kind of water they preferred-”sparkling or still.”
”That was the last we heard from him,” Mr. Barber said. ”How long could it take for him to come back with our water?”
Mr. Barber said that the absence of Evian water could set off a humanitarian crisis among the Halliburton executives, many of whom have already gone weeks without Starbucks coffee or flaky croissants.
In a speech to the people of Halliburton, Vice President d.i.c.k Cheney urged the increasingly unhappy executives to be ”patient.”
”We know that the pace of reconstruction has been slow, but soon Iraq will be full of four-star restaurants and gourmet takeout places that will be the envy of the region,” Mr. Cheney said.