Part 13 (2/2)

Meanwhile, the Bush administration announced a ”major victory” in the search for Saddam's weapons of ma.s.s destruction as it uncovered what it called ”a fully operational Botox facility” in Beverly Hills, California.

The White House said that U.S. forces seized significant quant.i.ties of Botox and the actress Goldie Hawn.

U.S. DEMANDS EXPLANATION OF WHO BECKHAM IS.

Increased Beckham-Related Chatter Has State Department on Edge The U.S., deluged in recent weeks by press reports and television appearances by someone named ”Beckham,” has demanded that the British government offer a ”full explanation of exactly who this Beckham person is,” the State Department said today.

”We are not sure what he is famous for, but we would like to know who he is and why exactly we are being forced to care about him all of a sudden,” Secretary of State Colin Powell told reporters in a press briefing today.

While concerns about a sharp uptick in Beckham-related chatter had already put many at the State Department on edge, Beckham's appearance with his wife Posh Spice at last week's MTV Movie Awards raised the State Department's anxiety to the boiling point.

”In addition to explaining who exactly Beckham is, we are asking the British government to remind us who Posh Spice is again,” Mr. Powell said.

While relations between Britain and the U.S. have never been warmer, their close ties could be torn asunder by their differences over Beckham, experts fear.

”In America, almost no one knows who Beckham is, while in Britain, he is considered the most famous person on the planet,” said Dr. Roger Cranepool of the Inst.i.tute for Foreign Relations at the University of Minnesota. ”This is a recipe for disaster.”

One of these people is believed to be David Beckham, the State Department said.

In his press briefing, Secretary Powell also put pressure on Britain's Tony Blair to explain the t.i.tle of the recent British film Bend It Like Beckham.

”Not only do we have no idea who Beckham is, we have no idea what 'bending it' is,” Mr. Powell said.

AHMED CHALABI BLOWS TELEVISED IRAQI TRIVIA QUIZ.

Misspells ”Baghdad” on National TV Disgraced Iraqi National Congress leader Ahmed Chalabi, formerly the Pentagon's first choice to run the government of the new Iraq, attempted to worm his way back into the Iraqi people's hearts by appearing last night on a nationally televised Iraqi trivia quiz.

The telecast, which Mr. Chalabi orchestrated with the aid of Iranian agents to demonstrate his fitness to lead Iraq, began with a seemingly confident Chalabi telling the program's host that he was ”totally stoked” about having his Iraqi trivia knowledge put to the test.

Mr. Chalabi started the contest strongly, answering the first question, ”What is the capital of Iraq?” with a confident ”Baghdad.”

After the host told Mr. Chalabi he had answered the question correctly, Mr. Chalabi responded with an exuberant ”Yes!” and pumped his fist in the air.

But when the host asked the next question-”How do you spell 'Baghdad'?”-the Iraqi exile, who until last year had been out of the country for forty-five years, tensed noticeably.

Mr. Chalabi proceeded to spell ”Baghdad” haltingly, omitting the crucial ”h.”

”I'm sorry,” the host said. ”That was a tricky one.”

Mr. Chalabi's performance worsened from there, as the long-exiled Iraqi missed such crucial pieces of Iraqi trivia as the nation's neighbors, major products and official bird.

Ahmed Chalabi's poor performance during the ”lightning round” of a nationally televised Iraqi trivia quiz may put a damper on the former exile's political aspirations.

After the broadcast, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld said that the show had served at least one purpose, in that it had given the U.S. yet another opportunity to ransack Mr. Chalabi's house while he was on TV.

KIM JONG IL PLANNING TO BRING ENORMOUS NUCLEAR BOMB TO BEIJING SUMMIT.

May Use Big Bomb as Bargaining Chip, State Department Fears North Korean President Kim Jong II threw a monkey wrench into plans for the upcoming nuclear summit between the U.S. and North Korea by announcing today that he plans to bring an enormous nuclear bomb with him to the Beijing meeting.

Mr. Kim, observers say, may believe that having an enormous nuclear bomb with him at the negotiating table could prove helpful as a bargaining chip in the upcoming talks.

Moments after the controversial announcement, U.S. officials worried aloud that by bringing a huge nuclear bomb with him to Beijing Mr. Kim could be endangering the summit's chances for success.

”If Kim Jong II shows up in Beijing and there's a big nuclear bomb sitting next to him at that table, that could wreck everything,” one State Department official said today.

While some at the State Department were hopeful that the mercurial Kim was merely bluffing, others noted with some concern that he had reserved a two-bedroom suite at the Beijing Marriott, accommodations large enough for both him and an enormous nuclear weapon.

At the White House, spokesman Ari Fleischer said that the move by Kim would not scuttle Secretary of State Colin Powell's appearance at the Beijing summit, but that Mr. Powell now intended to show up with an antiballistic missile system and three aircraft carriers.

Mr. Fleischer added that while war with Pyongyang was not inevitable, the Bush administration had just awarded a $16.2 billion contract to the Bechtel Group for the reconstruction of North Korea ”just in case.”

North Korea's Kim Jong II confirms that he plans to bring an enormous, ticking nuclear bomb with him to the bargaining table this week.

RUMSFELD SEEN HOLDING GLOBE IN HANDS, CACKLING MANIACALLY.

Defense Secretary Questions Use of Word ”Cackling”

Secretary of Defense Donald H. Rumsfeld was seen running through the streets of Was.h.i.+ngton late Sat.u.r.day night carrying a globe and ”cackling maniacally,” according to witnesses who saw Mr. Rumsfeld's startling behavior.

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