Part 12 (1/2)

With a towering budget deficit plaguing California, many observers in Sacramento were surprised that Mr. Schwarzenegger would name fake b.r.e.a.s.t.s the most worrisome problem on his agenda.

But the Governor today declared his commitment to cracking down on what he called California's ”fake breast epidemic,” naming himself California's ”breast inspector-in-chief.”

Mr. Schwarzenegger then led a team of breast inspectors through southern California's San Fernando Valley, which the Governor has derided as ”Silicone Valley” in recent speeches.

Wearing a baseball cap reading FAKE BREAST INSPECTOR #1, Governor Schwarzenegger pounded on doors, shouting, ”This is your Governor! Show me your b.r.e.a.s.t.s!” causing many residents to bolt their doors and phone the authorities.

While opposition groups howled that the fake-breast-implant-inspection regime was improper and might even be unconst.i.tutional, the Governor remained undaunted.

”We just need more time,” Mr. Schwarzenegger said. ”The inspections are working.”

HASTA LA VISTA TO IMPLANTS: California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger vows to have a hands-on role in the state's ambitious program of breast implant inspections.

INTERROGATORS SHOW SADDAM ”TRISTA AND RYAN'S WEDDING”

Rumsfeld Defends Tactics U.S. interrogators are pressuring Saddam Hussein to cooperate with them by repeatedly showing him ABC's two-hour wedding special featuring Bachelorette's Trista Rehn and Ryan Sutter, the Pentagon acknowledged today.

News of the Pentagon's use of ”Trista and Ryan's Wedding” rippled through international human rights circles today, with some watchdog groups claiming that showing certain reality programs to prisoners of war could be in violation of the Geneva Conventions.

”Watching Trista marry Ryan once is punishment, but watching it six, seven times in a row may in fact const.i.tute torture,” said Dr. Josef Claire, a leading human rights activist based in Brussels.

At a press briefing in Was.h.i.+ngton, Secretary of Defense Donald H. Rumsfeld said that showing Saddam the video of the Rehn-Sutter nuptials was ”something we did not enter into lightly.”

”Is forcing someone to watch 'Trista and Ryan's Wedding' cruel? Yes,” Mr. Rumsfeld said. ”But I submit to you: so is Saddam Hussein.”

In addition to defending the use of the excruciating wedding special, the Defense Secretary refused to rule out playing Clay Aiken's new CD to the Iraqi madman ”over and over again until he screams.”

Images like this may be used to ”torture” former Iraqi President Saddam Hussein, human rights activists fear.

”If I may remind you, gentlemen,” he said, ”we are at war.”

In other Saddam news, the owner of the farm in Tikrit where the Iraqi strongman was captured objected to the media's characterization of the dictator's hiding place as a ”hole.”

”You try to rent out a place that everybody and his uncle is calling a hole,” the farmer said. ”Okay, it's not roomy, but it would be perfect for a young couple starting out.”

TREASURY SECRETARY RIPPED FOR ”FRIGGIN' BANANA REPUBLIC” REMARKS

White House Apologizes for O'Neill's Ricky Ricardo Imitation Continuing his difficult tour of Latin America, Treasury Secretary Paul O'Neill apologized to Argentina's President Eduardo Duhalde today for remarks in which O'Neill called Argentina ”a friggin' banana republic.”

Secretary O'Neill's controversial comments, made to reporters as his plane touched down in Argentina, were as follows: ”Lend money to Argentina? No way! I'm not giving one thin dime to that friggin' banana republic.”

Mr. O'Neill later characterized the remarks as ”insensitive” and offered the cash-strapped Latin American nation $30 billion in loan guarantees to make amends.

But right after his meeting with President Duhalde, the Treasury Secretary turned to reporters and said, ”Well, that's thirty bill down the drain. I'll bet old Duhalde just goes out dancing with a bowl of fruit on his head.”

After his bowl-of-fruit remarks created a furor in Latin American circles, Secretary O'Neill apologized once again and granted Argentina another $30 billion worth of loan relief.

But upon boarding the plane to leave Argentina, Mr. O'Neill fanned the flames of controversy yet again, saying he did a ”killer imitation” of President Duhalde, launching into a performance reminiscent of a hotheaded tirade by the Ricky Ricardo character on the old I Love Lucy television series.

Treasury Secretary Paul O'Neill's overactive piehole may have cost taxpayers billions during his recent Latin American tour, administration insiders worry.

By the time the day was over, the U.S. had pledged over $90 billion in loan guarantees to Argentina to apologize for Mr. O'Neill's various missteps, leaving many White House aides frustrated by the Treasury Secretary's penchant for costly faux pas.

”Every time O'Neill opens his piehole, it costs the taxpayers another thirty billion dollars,” one aide groused.

POLL: SOCCER MOMS FEEL TAKEN FOR GRANTED BY NASCAR DADS.

NASCAR Dads Accuse Soccer Moms of ”Nagging”

According to a survey of two key const.i.tuencies in the 2004 presidential race, soccer moms feel that they are being ”taken for granted” by NASCAR dads, while NASCAR dads wish that soccer moms would ”stop their nagging already.”

The poll, conducted by the Crandall Public Opinion Inst.i.tute at the University of Minnesota, shows that 70 percent of soccer moms agree with the statement, ”These NASCAR dads are not the NASCAR dads we married.”

Additionally, 63 percent of the soccer moms feel that NASCAR dads are spending ”too much time” being courted by presidential candidates and ”not enough time” performing such basic household tasks as carpooling, taking out the garbage, and raking leaves.

For their part, 82 percent of NASCAR dads surveyed in the poll said they had had ”just about enough” of the soccer moms' complaining.

Even more tellingly, 100 percent agreed with the statement ”I would rather go to a NASCAR race than sit around listening to this c.r.a.p.”

Ominously, an equal percentage of soccer moms agreed with the statement ”Fine, but don't expect me to be here when you get back.”

Dr. David Givens, who conducted the survey for the University of Minnesota, said that soccer moms may once again mobilize as a political force in 2004, but added, ”There's an equal chance that they may just go home to their mothers.”