Part 9 (2/2)
”I never realized how lame I was until I heard Eminem astutely mention it on his CD,” Moby said. ”He's really given me a lot to think about-and to work on.”
Eminem, however, remained unmoved by his victims' contrite statements, issuing a statement of his own in which he repeated his oft-stated desire that they contract incurable diseases and die.
Electronic musician Moby (pictured) said he would take Eminem's critiques to heart.
”We hear you,” Mrs. Cheney said.
The meeting of Eminem's victims, numbering in the thousands, filled the Los. Angeles Convention Center over the past three days to overflow capacity, snarling traffic throughout the downtown area.
The meeting featured motivational speakers and several educational workshops with names like ”How to Make Eminem Like You More” and ”If Eminem Says You're a Ho. You Probably Are.”
KIM'S BLOG As everyone in North Korea knows, my love of hip-hop music runs deep. A few years ago, I had to make the choice between being dictator of North Korea or pursuing a career as a rapper, and I've never faced a tougher decision in my life. I think I made the right choice, but hip-hop still exerts a powerful tug on my soul.
In fact, a couple of years ago when I was heading for a summit with South Korea, I thought to myself, ”I'm so misunderstood by the rest of the world-I wonder if it would help if I expressed myself by doing a little rapping?”
Like most of the stuff I do that would make people really like me and think I'm cool, my rapping at that summit was completely ignored by the Western media. But here's a little taste: Yo, mama, I'm da bomb
Play my tunes on the jukes, yo
Cuz I got the nukes, yo
Yo, mama, I'm da bomb
Gonna reprocess fuel rods
And blow up da schoolyards
Cuz mama, I'm da bomb
If you beg to differ, wait
Match me proliferate
I'm da bomb, yo, I'm da bomb, yo, etc.
This song shot up to number one in North Korea (remaining there for eighty weeks), but has yet to be played even once in America. When I take over the U.S., the first thing I'm going to fix is those stale FM playlists. They totally keep new artists from being heard, which if you ask me really blows.
RIDGE WARNS AMERICANS NOT TO SWIM TOO SOON AFTER EATING.
”Wait at Least Half an Hour,” Homeland Security Chief Indicates in New Alert Tom Ridge, Director of the Office of Homeland Security, issued a ”high alert” for all Americans today, warning them not to swim too soon after consuming a meal.
”If you jump in the pool right after eating, you could get serious cramps,” Mr. Ridge told reporters in the Was.h.i.+ngton, D.C., press briefing. ”You should wait at least half an hour.”
”You don't want to wind up like the Johnson boy down the street,” Ridge added. ”Last summer, he practically drowned.”
Director Ridge also issued an alert, effective for an indefinite period of time, warning Americans against eating spicy food, such as pizza or chili dogs, right before bedtime.
”You could wind up having terrible nightmares,” Ridge said. ”I don't know how many times I have to tell you this.”
Ridge's wide-ranging alert covered other imminent dangers to the American people, such as sitting too close to the television, going out in cold weather with wet hair, and roughhousing on the sofa with siblings.
”To all Americans who are currently horsing around on their sofas with their brothers or sisters, I say the following: don't make me come over there,” Ridge said.
Ridge went on to say that those who disregard his alert run the risk of being grounded next weekend, and will not be able to come along when he takes the rest of the country to the movies and bowling.
Homeland Security chief Tom Ridge demonstrates ”a simple thing each and every one of us can do” to ward off vampires.
At the conclusion of his press conference, Mr. Ridge issued a new alert to a sound technician carrying a boom microphone.
”Watch it,” Mr. Ridge told the technician. ”You could put an eye out with that thing.”
BUSH WANTED TO INVADE IRAQ BACK IN COLLEGE.
<script>