Part 9 (1/2)
The number of Americans trying to look busy in their cubicles while doing no work whatsoever surged 17 percent, an extremely strong increase, Greenspan said.
”The members of the labor force who paid extensive visits to Internet casino and p.o.r.nography sites in lieu of doing work-related tasks increased at an unprecedented rate last month,” Greenspan said.
”Their willingness to s.h.i.+rk their duties in order to play blackjack or look at naked people is a sign of unexpected strength in the job market,” the Fed chief added.
Greenspan went on to say that the number of American workers using valuable office time to visit Internet sites dedicated to the World Wrestling Federation, the Paris Hilton s.e.x videos, and what he termed ”24-hour sorority shower-cams” also surged in February.
Greenspan's testimony to the Senate was not entirely upbeat, however.
p.o.r.n consumption in the workplace has surged to record levels, Greenspan told Congress.
In a comment that surprised several of the senators, the Fed chief warned that some high-speed Internet users may watch online p.o.r.nography ”too quickly to really enjoy it.”
”With the advent of DSL and other high-speed Internet technologies, p.o.r.nography customers may find that things fly by too fast to be fully appreciated,” Greenspan told the senators.
”On the positive side, less time spent watching p.o.r.nography will give the habitual p.o.r.n consumer more time for other tasks, such as studying job statistics and money supply, and determining the future direction of the Fed discount rate,” Greenspan said.
KIM'S BLOG Question: how come when Alan Greenspan talks, everyone listens, and when I talk, no one listens?
It's not like one of us is a whole lot taller than the other. And it's not like one of us wears gla.s.ses that are way too big for his head and the other one doesn't. So what does Alan Greenspan have that I don't have?
Before you think that I'm being paranoid again, here's an example of things Greenspan and I have said on the exact same day, and you tell me which is more worth paying attention to: Greenspan: In the absence of the gold standard, there is no way to protect savings from confiscation through inflation.
Me: I will engulf the world in a scorching sea of fire.
Greenspan: How do we know when irrational exuberance has unduly escalated a.s.set values, which then become subject to unexpected and prolonged contractions as they have in j.a.pan over the past decade?
Me: I have my finger on the b.u.t.ton right now. Don't think that I won't push it!
Greenspan: Evaluating s.h.i.+fts in balance sheets generally, and in a.s.set prices particularly, must be an integral part of the development of monetary policy.
Me: Be afraid! Be very afraid!
So, there you have it. Why do people listen to Greenspan instead of me? Well, for one thing, Alan Greenspan is married to Andrea Mitch.e.l.l of NBC News, and I'm not, so I guess in the end it's all about who you know. Note to self: marry Andrea Mitch.e.l.l of NBC News.
ATHLETE WITHOUT COMPELLING PERSONAL DRAMA EXPELLED FROM OLYMPICS.
Skier Concealed Adversity-Free Past From Officials, NBC A member of the U.S. Olympic ski team was disqualified from compet.i.tion today when it was learned that he did not have a sufficiently compelling human story line to exploit on the NBC telecast of the worldwide sporting event.
Tom Bergen, the expelled skier, was not raised by a single mother, never had a career-threatening injury and did not overcome a personal tragedy of any kind before making the Olympic ski team, U.S. Olympic officials revealed today.
”Had Tom been involved in an organ donation, as either a donor or a recipient, that would have been acceptable to us,” ski team spokesman Sandy Harrell told reporters. ”However, he was not.”
According to sources close to the ski team, Bergen had concealed the fact that he comes from an intact middle-cla.s.s family who never lost their home to a flood, tornado, or typhoon.
But what may have sealed Bergen's doom, sources said, was his utter lack of a gravely ill family member to win a medal for.
”Tom did his best to hide his background from team officials,” one source said. ”But when the truth came out, he was finished.”
Speaking to reporters in Salt Lake City, NBC Sports Chairman d.i.c.k Ebersol was even less charitable, terming Bergen's actions ”a reprehensible betrayal.”
”We do our best to check out all of the athletes to make sure that their backgrounds are full of compelling human drama, but we can't catch everything,” Ebersol said. ”This is a case of one really bad guy exploiting the system.”
DOWNHILL: Skier ”flagrantly lied” about his intact middle-cla.s.s family, Olympics officials confirmed.
VICTIMS OF EMINEM'S LATEST VERBAL a.s.sAULTS AGREE TO MEND THEIR WAYS
Lynne Cheney, Moby, Thousands of Others Take Rapper's Criticisms to Heart A diverse collection of celebrities, political figures, and family members who were singled out for vituperative attack in The Eminem Show, the hot-selling new CD by the rapper Eminem, announced today that they would attempt to mend their ways in accordance with Eminem's criticisms.
”Eminem pointed out a number of things I did that were hypocritical and wrongheaded,” said Lynne V. Cheney, wife of Vice President d.i.c.k Cheney. ”Upon reflection, I now see that he is absolutely right-and I want to offer my sincerest apology.”
”It is my hope,” Mrs. Cheney continued, ”that if I work hard enough to improve my behavior, I will someday earn Eminem's respect.”
Mrs. Cheney's decision to take Eminem's profane attack in the spirit of constructive criticism was echoed by the electronic musician Moby.