Part 10 (1/2)

Hated Saddam While at Yale, Frat Brother Says President George W. Bush wanted to invade Iraq back when he was a college student at Yale University, a former fraternity brother of the President revealed today.

”I wasn't the least bit surprised when we attacked Iraq last year,” said Charles ”Whiffy” Wiffington, a Delta Kappa Epsilon brother of the President's in the late 1960s. ”This is something George has wanted to do since he was a freshman.”

Mr. Wiffington said that Mr. Bush first brought up the notion of regime change in Iraq during halftime at a Harvard-Yale football game in New Haven.

”Yale had just pulled ahead of Harvard by a field goal,” Mr. Wiffington remembered. ”And George turned to me and said, 'Whiffy, Saddam's gotta go.'”

Although Mr. Hussein was merely a functionary in the Baath Party when Mr. Bush was at Yale, Mr. Bush remarked at numerous frat parties that the Iraqi might someday seize power, become evil, and need to be toppled, Mr. Wiffington said.

”At DKE, all we wanted to do was have bodacious keggers and meet girls, but all George could talk about was Saddam,” Mr. Wiffington remembered. ”We were like, 'George, cool it.'”

Mr. Wiffington said that after Mr. Bush was elected President of DKE his senior year, he proposed that the fraternity invade Iraq unilaterally.

”We had to talk him down from that,” Mr. Wiffington said. ”We were like, let's T.P. the Princeton bus instead.”

President George W. Bush (pictured above) wanted to strike Saddam Hussein back when he was an undergraduate at Yale, friends say.

JUNE 17 NAMED ”ATHLETES OBEY THE LAW DAY”

For 24 Hours Sports Stars Must Abide by Laws That Govern Rest of Us June 17 has been designated Athletes Obey the Law Day, a twenty-four-hour period in which professional sports stars are being asked ”to voluntarily comply with the laws that govern ordinary people.”

”For one day, we are asking athletes not to drive under the influence of alcohol, crack, marijuana, cocaine, or mushrooms,” said a press release for the June 17 event, ”and not to abuse, hara.s.s, beat up, key the car of, or burn down the house of wives, ex-wives, girlfriends, ex-girlfriends, business managers, accountants, or Halle Berry.”

But the June 17 event faces stiff opposition from the athletes, who claim that obeying the law even for one day would be onerous and unfeasible.

”Athletes already have to obey a lot of rules on the field,” said Gavin Herrick, leader of an NFL players' group. ”Now, on top of that, we've got to obey the law off the field? I don't think so!”

In related news, a majority of Americans fear that they will someday be the victim of an athlete's wrath after an unfortunate encounter in a restaurant, bar, hotel, disco, nightclub, clothing store, parking lot or airport lounge.

When asked, ”How worried are you that you may be attacked by a professional athlete in the next twelve months,” 42 percent replied, ”Somewhat worried”; 29 percent replied, ”Very worried”; 28 percent replied, ”Very, very worried”; and 1 percent replied, ”I am being attacked by an athlete at this very moment.”

Former NBA star Dennis Rodman was an outspoken critic of the controversial ”Athletes Obey the Law Day.”

BUSH: SADDAM STILL CAPTURED.

Approval Ratings Resurge on Reannouncement In a nationally televised address, President George W. Bush announced on Sunday that former Iraqi strongman Saddam Hussein was ”still captured.”

”Saddam Hussein remains very much in U.S. custody, as he has been for the last two weeks,” President Bush said. ”To Mr. Saddam Hussein, our message is clear: You aren't going anywhere, Mr. Saddam Hussein.”

The President said that he chose to reannounce the capture of the Iraqi madman on Sunday because that day marked the two-week anniversary of Saddam's arrest in Tikrit.

”Today is a day for all Americans to remember that great and special day that occurred two weeks ago,” Mr. Bush reiterated.

President Bush's approval ratings, which had leveled off somewhat over the past week, resurged after the reannouncement of Saddam's capture.

Those political dividends suggest that the White House may carry through on a controversial plan devised by chief political strategist Karl Rove to reannounce the capture of Saddam Hussein every Monday, Wednesday and Friday.

But political scientist David McCrory of the University of Minnesota warned that reannouncing the capture of the former Iraqi dictator on such a regular basis carries with it certain risks.

”Worst case scenario, people start tuning Mr. Bush out, like they do with Tom Ridge,” he said.

Another proposal put forward by Mr. Rove is the so-called ”catch and release” plan, in which Saddam Hussein would be released every few days, allowed to run away about fifteen yards and then recaptured by U.S. troops once more.

President Bush announcing Saddam Hussein's capture for the forty-seventh time last night.

IRAQIS FAIL TO LOVE RAYMOND.

Setback for Pentagon Planners The Pentagon today acknowledged that their attempt to introduce an American-style sitcom to post-Saddam Iraq had been a dismal failure, as Iraqis expressed their overwhelming disapproval of the CBs. .h.i.t Everybody Loves Raymond.

”We were operating under the a.s.sumption that everybody, indeed, loves Raymond,” Secretary of Defense Donald H. Rumsfeld told reporters. ”Apparently, plenty of people hate Raymond, especially in the s.h.i.+te south.”

The s.h.i.+tes' hatred of Raymond runs deep, U.S. administrators in Iraq concede.

In s.h.i.+te strongholds like Basra where the program debuted over the weekend, Iraqis watched the sitcom in stony silence, seething as if mocked by the raucous laugh track.

”Why do they let that idiot [Doris Roberts] in their house?” said a visibly angry Ha.s.san El-Medfaai, 47. ”If this is what democracy will bring, I'll have none of it.”

Sources inside the Pentagon blamed the decision to broadcast Raymond on the advice of Iraqi exiles who had enjoyed the sitcom on American Airlines while jetting back and forth between London and Was.h.i.+ngton.

The discovery that Iraqis do not love Raymond is only the latest in a series of setbacks for the Pentagon planners, who last month unsuccessfully attempted to introduce Sara Lee breakfast treats to Iraq.

”Whoever said 'n.o.body doesn't like Sara Lee' never asked the s.h.i.+tes,” Mr. Rumsfeld acknowledged at the time.

The Pentagon will make one more attempt to introduce Western culture to Iraq next week by broadcasting the eighties dance single ”Everybody w.a.n.g Chung Tonight” on a twenty-four-hour-a-day basis.