Part 28 (2/2)
”Mrs. H----d is lineally descended, not from William the Conqueror, but from W----s the coachman. She lived, for a considerable time, in a mews, and it was thought that it was his love for the _Muses_ which attached C---- L---- so closely to her. She was seduced at a most indelicately juvenile age by a Major M----l, who protected her but a short time, and then deserted her. Then ~217~~she became what the Cyprians term Lady Townly, till Mr. H----d, a youth with considerable West India property in expectation, married her.
”On this happy occasion, her hymeneal flame burned with so much warmth and purity, that she shared it with a linen-draper, and the circ.u.mstance became almost immediately known to the husband! This was a happy presage of future connubial felicity! The very day before this domestic exposure, and the happy vigil of Mr. H----d's happier ”_jour des noces_,” the darling of the Muses or Mewses, Mr. L---- procured Lady H----d's private box for her at one of the theatres, whither she and Mrs. CI----y, the mistress of an officer of that name, repaired in the carriage of the Mews lover, which has become completely ”the Demirep or Cyprian's Diligence,” and these patterns for the fair s.e.x had poured out such plentiful libations to Bacchus, that her ladys.h.i.+p's box exhibited the effects of their devotions! What a regale for the Princess of Madagascar!
”The guardians, or trustees, of Mr. H----d now withheld his property, and Madame a.s.sisted him into the King's Bench, during which time she kept terms with Mr. L---- at Oxford. On her return, she got acquainted with a Capt. Cr----ks, whom she contrived soon afterwards to lodge, in the next room to her husband, in the Bench; but to whom she kindly gave the preference in her visits.
”Whether C---- L----, W--lk--s the linen-draper, or Capt. C----k, be the most favoured swain, or swine, I venture not to say; but the former has devoted his time, his chariot, and his female acquaintances'
boxes in public to her. As a pledge of his love, she helped herself to a loose picture of great value belonging to him, which very nearly fell into the hands of John Doe or Richard Roe, on her husband's account, afterwards. The palm should, however, certainly be given to Mr. L----, as he courted her cla.s.sically, moralized to her sentimentally, sung psalms and prayed with her fervently, and, on all occasions, treated her like a lady.”
”Ha,” said a fas.h.i.+onably dressed young man, who approached towards Dashall, ”Ha, my dear fellow, how goes it with you? Haven't seen you this month; d----d unlucky circ.u.mstance--wanted you very much indeed--glorious sport--_all jolly and bang up_.” ~218~~”Glad to hear it,” said Tom,--”sorry you should have experienced any wants on my account.”
”Which way are you going? Come along, I'll tell you of such a spree--regular, and nothing but--You must know, a few days ago, sauntering down Bond-street, I overtook Sir G. W. 'Ha! my gay fellow,'
said he, 'I thought you were at Bibury; you're the very man I want. My brother Jack has lost a rump and dozen to a young one, and we want to make up a select party, a set of real hardheaded fellows, to share the feast. I have already recruited Sir M. M., the buck Parson, Lord Lavender, and Tom Shuffleton. Then there's yourself, I hope, my brother and I, the young one, and A----'s deputy, the reprobate Curate, whom we will have to make fun of. We dine at half-past seven, at Long's, and there will be some sport, I a.s.sure you.'
”I accepted the invitation, and met the company before mentioned. A rump and dozen is always a nominal thing. There was no rump, except Lavender's, which projects like a female's from the bottom of a tight-laced pair of stays; and as for the dozen, I believe we drank nearer three dozen of different expensive wines, which were tasted one after the other with a quickness of succession, which at last left no taste, but a taste for more drink, and for all sorts of wickedness.
”This tasting plan is a very successful trick of tavern keepers, which enables them to carry off half bottles of wine, to swell the reckoning most amazingly, and so to bewilder people as to the qualities of the wine, that any thing, provided it be strong and not acid, will go down at the heel of the evening. It is also a grand manouvre; to intoxicate a Johnny Raw, and to astonish his weak mind with admiration for the founder of the feast. Therefore, the old trick of 'I have got some particularly high-flavoured Burgundy, which Lord Lavender very much approved t'other day;' and, 'Might I, Sir, ask your opinion of a new importation of Sillery?' or, 'My Lord, 1 have bought all the Nabob's East India Madeira,' &c. was successfully practised.
”Through the first course we were stag-hunting, to a man, and killed the stag just as the second course came on the table. This course was occupied by a great number of long shots of Sir M. M., and by Lavender offering to back himself and the buck Parson against any other two ~219~~men in England, as to the number of head of game which they would bag from sun-rise to sun-set upon the moors. A foot race, and a dispute as to the odds betted on the second October Meeting, occupied the third course. The desert was enlivened by a list of ladies of all descriptions, whose characters were cut up full as ably as the haunch of venison was carved; and here boasting of success in love was as general as the custom is base. One man of fas.h.i.+on goes by the name of Kiss and tell.
”After an hour of hard drinking, as though it had been for a wager, a number of very manly, nice little innocent and instructive amus.e.m.e.nts were resorted to. We had a most excellent maggot race for a hundred; and then a handycap for a future poney race. We had pitching a guinea into a decanter, at which the young one lost considerably. We had a raffle for a gold snuff box, a challenge of fifty against Lord Lavender's Dusseldorf Pipe, and five hundred betted upon the number of shot to be put into a Joe Manton Rifle. We played at _te-to-tum_; and the young one leaped over a handkerchief six feet high for a wager: he performed extremely well at first, but at last Lavender, who betted against him, kept plying him so with wine, and daring him to an inch higher and higher, until at last the young one broke his nose, and lost five hundred guineas by his boyish diversion.
Now we had a fulminating letter introduced as a hoax upon Shuffleton; next, devils and broiled bones; then some blasphemous songs from the Curate, who afterwards fell asleep, and thus furnished an opportunity for having his face blacked. We then got in a band of itinerant musicians; put crackers in their pockets; cut off one fellow's tail; and had a milling match betwixt the baronet in the chair and the stoutest of them, who, having had spirits of wine poured over his head, refused to let the candle be put to it!
Peace being restored, a regular supper appeared; and then a regular set-to at play, where I perceived divers signals thrown out, such as rubbing of foreheads and chins, taking two pinches of snuff and other private telegraphic communications, the result of which was, the young one, just of age, being greeked to a very great amount.
We now sallied forth, like a pack in full cry, with all the loud expression of mirth and riot, and proceeded to 220~~old 77, which, being shut up, we swore like troopers, and broke the parlour windows in a rage. We next cut the traces of a hackney coach, and led the horses into a mews, ?where we tied them up; coachee being asleep inside the whole time. We then proceeded to old _Ham-a-dry-ed_, the bacon man's, called out Fire, and got the old man down to the door in his s.h.i.+rt, when Lavender ran away with his night-cap, and threw it into the water in St. James's Square, whilst the Baronet put it in right and left at his sconce, and told him to hide his d----d ugly masard. This induced him to come out and call the Watch, during which time the buck Parson got into his house, and was very snug with the cook wench until the next evening, when _old fusty mug_ went out upon business.
After giving a view holloa! we ran off, with the Charleys in full cry after us, when Sir G. W., who had purposely provided himself with a long cord, gave me one end, and ran to the opposite side of Jermyn Street with the other in his hand, holding it about two feet from the pavement.
The old Scouts came up in droves, and we had 'em down in a moment, for every mother's son of the guardians were caught in the trap, and rolled over each other slap into the kennel. Never was such a prime bit of gig!
They lay stunn'd with the fall--broken lanterns, staves, rattles, Welsh wigs, night-caps and old hats, were scattered about in abundance, while grunting, growling, and swearing was heard in all directions. One old buck got his jaw-bone broken; another staved in two of his crazy timbers, that is to say, broke a couple of ribs; a third bled from the nose like a pig; a fourth squinted admirably from a pair of painted peepers; their numbers however increasing, we divided our forces and marched in opposite directions; one party sallied along Bond Street, nailed up a snoosy Charley in his box, and bolted with his lantern: the others were not so fortunate, for A----'s deputy cus.h.i.+on thumper, the young one, and the Baronet's brother, got safely lodged in St. James's Watch-house.
”Broad daylight now glar'd upon us--Lavender retired comfortably upon Madame la Comtesse in the Bench; Sir M. M. was found chanting Cannons with some Wood nymphs not an hundred and fifty miles off from Leicester Square; I had the President to carry home on my shoulders, bundled to bed, and there I lay sick for four and twenty hours, when a little inspiring Coniac brought ~221~~me to my senses again, and now I am ready and ripe for another spree. Stap my vitals if there isn't Lavender--my dear fellow, adieu--remember me to Charley Sparkle when you see him--by, by.” And with this he sprung across the road, leaving Bob and his Cousin to comment at leisure upon his folly.
They were however soon aroused from their reflections by perceiving a Groom in livery advancing rapidly towards them, followed by a curricle, moving at the rate of full nine miles per hour.
”Who have we here?” said Bob.
”A character well known,” said Tom; ”that is Lady L----, a das.h.i.+ng female whip of the first order--mark how she manages her t.i.ts--take a peep at her costume and learn while you look.”
”More than one steed must Delia's empire feel Who sits triumphant o'er the flying wheel; And as she guides it through th' admiring throng, With what an air she smacks the silken thong!”
The Lady had a small round riding-hat, of black beaver, and sat in the true att.i.tude of a coachman--wrists pliant, elbows square, she handled her whip in a scientific manner; and had not Tom declared her s.e.x, Bob would hardly have discovered it from her outward appearance. She was approaching them at a brisk trot, greeting her numerous acquaintance as she pa.s.sed with familiar nods, at each giving her horses an additional touch, and pursing up her lips to accelerate their speed; indeed, she was so intent upon the management of her reins, and her eyes so fixed upon her cattle, that there was no time for more than a sort of sidelong glance of recognition; and every additional smack of the whip seem'd to say, ”_Here I come--that's your sort_.” Her whole manner indeed was very similar to what may be witnessed in Stage-coachmen, Hackneymen, and fas.h.i.+onable Ruffians, who appear to think that all merit consists in copying them when they tip a brother whip the go-by, or almost graze the wheel of a Johnny-raw, and turn round with a grin of self-approbation, as much as to say--”_What d'ye think of that now, eh f--there's a touch for you--lord, what a flat you must be!_”
Bob gazed with wonder and astonishment as she pa.s.sed.
”How?” said he, ”do the ladies of London frequently take the whip?--”
~222~~”--Hand of their husbands as well as their horses,” replied Tom--”often enough, be a.s.sured.”
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