Part 28 (1/2)
”Here various news is found, of love and strife; Of peace and war, health, sickness, death, and life; Of loss and gain, of famine and of store; Of storms at sea, and travels on the sh.o.r.e; Of prodigies and portents seen in air; Of fires and plagues, and stars with blazing hair; Of turns of fortune, changes in the state, The falls of favourites, projects of the great.”
”It is a bill of fare, containing all the luxuries as well as necessaries, of life. Politics, for instance, are the roast beef of the times; essays, the plum pudding; and poetry the fritters, confections, custards, and all the _et cotera_ of the table, usually denominated trifles. Yet the four winds are not liable to more mutability than the vehicles of these entertainments; for instance, on Monday, it is whispered--on Tuesday, it is rumoured--on Wednesday, it is conjectured--on Thursday, it is probable--on Friday, it is positively a.s.serted--and, on Sat.u.r.day, it is premature. But notwithstanding this, some how or other, all are eventually pleased; for, as the affections of all are divided among wit, anecdote, poetry, prices of stocks, the arrival of s.h.i.+ps, &c. a Newspaper is a repository where every one has his hobby-horse; without it, coffee-houses, &c. would be depopulated, and the country squire, the curate, the exciseman, and the barber, and many others, would lose those golden opportunities of appearing so very wise as they do.
A Newspaper may also be compared to the Seasons. Its information varies on the roll of Time, and much of it pa.s.ses away as a Winter, giving many a bitter pang of the death of a relative or hopeful lover; it is as a Spring, for, in the time of war and civil commotion, its luminary, the editor, like the morning sun, leads Hope forward to milder days and happier prospects--the smiles of peace; it is the heart's Summer calendar, giving news of marriages and births for heirs and patrons; it is the Autumn of joy, giving accounts of plenty, and guarding the avaricious against the snares of self-love, and offering arguments in favour of humanity. It is more; a Newspaper is one of the most faithful lessons that can be represented to our reflections, for, while it is the interpreter ~214~of the general economy of nature, it is a most kind and able instructress to improve ourselves.
What are our lives but as the ephemeral appearance of an advertis.e.m.e.nt?
Our actions but as the actions of a popular contest? Our hopes, fears, exultations, but as the cross readings of diurnal events? And although grief is felt at the perusal of accidents, offences, and crimes, which are necessarily and judiciously given, there is in every good Newspaper an impartial record, an abstract of the times, a vast fund of useful knowledge; and, finally, no person has reason, after perusing it, to rise without being thankful that so useful a medium is offered to his understanding; at least, this is my opinion.”
”And now you have favoured me with this opinion,” rejoined Tallyho, ”will you be kind enough to inform me to what fortunate circ.u.mstance I am indebted for it?”
”The question comes very apropos,” continued Tom--”for I had nearly forgotten that circ.u.mstance, so that you may perhaps be inclined to compare my head to a newspaper, constantly varying from subject to subject; but no matter, a novelty has just struck my eye, which I think will afford us much gratification: it is the announcement of an exhibition of engravings by living artists, under the immediate patronage of his Majesty, recently opened in Soho Square, through the public spirited exertions of Mr. Cooke, a celebrated engraver--And now I think of it, Mortimer and his Sister intend visiting Somerset House--egad! we will make a morning of it in reviewing the Arts--what say you?”
”With all my heart,” returned Bob.
”Be it so, then,” said Tom--”So-ho, my boy--perhaps we may meet the love-sick youth, poor Sparkle; he has certainly received the wound of the blind urchin--I believe we must pity him--but come, let us prepare, we will lounge away an hour in walking down Bond Street--peep at the wags and the wag-tails, and take Soho Square in our way to Somerset House. I feel myself just in the humour for a bit of gig, and 1 promise you we will make a night of it.”
The preliminaries of their route being thus arranged, in half an hour they were on their road down Bond Street, marking and remarking upon circ.u.mstances and subjects as they arose.
”Who is that Lady?” said Bob, seeing Tom bow as a das.h.i.+ng carriage pa.s.sed them.
”That is a Lady Townley, according to the generally
received term.”
”A lady of t.i.tle, as I suspected,” said Bob.
”Yes, yes,” replied Tom Dashall, ”a distinguished personage, I can a.s.sure you--one of the most das.h.i.+ng demireps of the present day, basking at this moment in the plenitude of her good fortune. She is however deserving of a better fate: well educated and brought up, she was early initiated into the mysteries and miseries of high life. You seem to wonder at the t.i.tle I have given her.”
”I am astonished again, I confess,” replied Bob; ”but it appears there is no end to wonders in London--nor can I guess how you so accurately know them.”
”Along residence in London affords opportunities for
discovery.
”As the French very justly say, that _Il n'y a que le premier pas qui coute_, and just as, with all the sapience of medicine, there is but a degree betwixt the Doctor and the Student, so, after the first step, there is but a degree betwixt the Demirep and the gazetted Cyprian, who is known by head-mark to every insipid Amateur and Fancier in the town.
”The number of these frail ones is so great, that, if I were to attempt to go through the shades and gradations, the distinctions and t.i.tles, from the promiscuous d.u.c.h.ess to the interested Marchande de mode, and from her down to the Wood Nymphs of the English Opera, there would be such a longo ordine genies, that although it is a very interesting subject, well worthy of investigation, it would occupy a considerable portion of time; however, I will give you a slight sketch of some well known and very topping articles. Mrs. B----m, commonly called B----g, Mrs. P----n, and Mrs. H----d, of various life. ”The modern Pyrrha, B----g, has a train as long as an eastern monarch, but it is a train of lovers. The Honourable B---- C----n, that famous gentleman miller, had the honour at one time (like Cromwell,) of being the Protector of the Republic. The infamous Greek, bully, informer and reprobate W----ce, was her accomplice and paramour at another. Lord V----l boasted her favours at a third period; and she wished to look upon him in a fatherly ~216~~light; but it would not do. Mr. C. T. S.
the nephew of a great naval character, is supposed to have a greater or prior claim there; but the piebald harlequin is owned not by ”Light horse, but by heavy.”
”Mr. P----y, however, was so struck with the increased
attractions of this Cyprian, that he offered to be her protector during a confinement which may be alarming to many, but interesting to a few.
This was being doubly diligent, and accordingly as it was two to one in his favour, no wonder he succeeded in his suit. The difficulties which Madame laboured under were sufficient to decide her in this youth's favour; and the preference, upon such an occasion, must have been highly flattering to him. On the score of difficulties, Cyprians are quite in fas.h.i.+on; for executions and arrests are very usual in their mansions, and the last comer has the exquisite felicity of relieving them.
”Although this das.h.i.+ng Lady was the daughter of a bathing woman at Brighton, she was not enabled to keep her head above water.
”I must not forget Poll P----n, whose select friends have such cause to be proud of lier election. This Diana is not descended from a member of the Rump Parliament, nor from a b.u.m bailiff; but was the daughter of a b.u.mboat woman at Plymouth. She has, however, since that period, commenced business for herself; and that in such a respectable and extensive line, that she counts exactly seven thousand customers! all regularly booked. What a delectable amus.e.m.e.nt to keep such a register!
_Neanmoins_, or _nean plus_, if you like. It is reported that the n.o.ble Y---- was so delighted with her at the Venetian fete given by Messrs.
W--ll--ms and D--h--r--ty, that he gave the Virgin Unmasked several very valuable presents, item, a shawl value one hundred guineas, &c. and was honoured by being put on this Prime Minister of the Court of Love's list--number Seven thousand and one! What a fortunate man!