Part 21 (2/2)

'Yes. I think he did. In fact, I know he did-although it's much too soon. I mean, I've only met him three times, Daisy. And in any case, he thinks I'm holding back because I'm still getting over Alexander.'

'Aren't you?'

'Well, yes-and no. I'm not heartbroken about Alexander, I'm just angry and disappointed. I told David what happened.'

'Good. I bet he was horrified.'

'He was, rather.'

'So you're getting closer to him?'

'I am.'

'Things with your photographer are developing then,' she giggled. 'You're clicking with him?' I rolled my eyes. 'And did you flirt with him?'

'No. I find it impossible.' I lowered my voice to a barely audible whisper. 'I mean, how do you flirt with someone whom you once caused GBH?'

'Hmm. That would be rather...inhibiting.'

'It is. But I think that's partly why he likes me, because he thinks I'm so ”mysterious”. But I'm not. I'm just sitting there in an agony of apprehension. But, ironically, that's why he's attracted to me. Because he finds me, what was it? ”Intriguing.”'

Daisy shook her head. 'He's attracted to you because he's attracted to you, Miranda. Anyway, back to the matter in hand. How to tell him... How are you going to tell him?'

I groaned quietly. 'I don't know. The more I see him, the more I want to tell him-and yet, at the same time, the less I want to, in case he never sees me again. And he actually talked about it this time, Daisy. About what happened. So I asked him whether he could ever forgive the person who'd done it, and he replied that he didn't think that he could.'

'But if he knew it was you-he might.'

'I don't know. I can't a.s.sume that. It's such a big thing. But I need him to forgive me because I'm...'

'Falling in love with him?'

I stared at her. 'Maybe. Yes, maybe I am. I find him very...attractive.'

'Then wait until he's fallen in love with you.'

I sipped my cappuccino, momentarily tempted; then I put down my cup. 'I can't. It would be dishonest.'

'Yes,' she sighed. 'You're right. Of course you are. He'd feel that you'd deceived him. Well-you have a moral dilemma on your hands.' A silence descended, then the waitress brought the bill.

'Do you know what else David said?' I went on as I reached for my bag. 'That his father's work didn't even involve animal experiments. I don't know why Jimmy did it. I just don't understand. And I really need to.'

'Then ask him,' she said simply. 'Write to him at the House of Commons.'

'But the letter would get read by his press officer.'

'Then send it to his home.'

'His wife might see it.'

'Then just ask to see him at work, and speak to him in private.'

'I know what would happen if I did. He'd refuse to see me, and, if I insisted, then he'd accuse me of trying to blackmail him. He's got powerful friends, Daisy. He could go to the press and say that I was hara.s.sing him-he'd totally discredit me. He'd tell them that I used to be infatuated with him-which is true. He'd tell them that I wrote him these pathetic letters saying that I'd do anything for him.'

'But you were only sixteen then, Miranda!'

'So what? The tabloids won't care. But the point is that I don't want to see Jimmy again, Daisy. This is about my conscience-not his. Not that he seems to have one-the lucky b.a.s.t.a.r.d. It must make his life rather easy.'

'You're very hard on yourself, Miranda,' Daisy said suddenly. She glanced left and right to make sure we couldn't be overheard. 'I mean, it's not as though you made that bomb-is it?' she whispered. 'You didn't even know there was one. You genuinely thought it was a video.'

'That's what Jimmy said. He said that it was a video about neurological experiments on vervet monkeys, to p.r.i.c.k Professor White's conscience-and I had no reason to doubt that's what it was.'

'I can understand you feeling awful at being involved,' Daisy went on, 'but you weren't responsible for what happened so I don't see why you feel quite so guilt-racked.'

'For the simple reason that I didn't speak out. I knew, absolutely, that I should tell someone-my parents, a teacher, or the police; but, in order to protect myself, I kept quiet-and that's why I feel so bad. And my silence must have made it far worse for David because he never got closure on what happened to him. He still hasn't. That's obvious.' We handed the waitress our credit cards.

'But why did Jimmy think he could get away with it?' Daisy whispered.

'Because he knew he was above suspicion.'

'Why?'

'Because he'd publicly condemned violence so many times. He'd written articles in the local paper saying it was wrong, and attacking the ALF, so everyone thought him principled and brave. That's what he used to say to me too. He said that better treatment of animals would only come about through a hearts and minds campaign.'

'So he'd put himself above board?'

'Yes. But I wasn't above board, because of my history. And I was terrified that the police would come looking for me-I kept waiting for the knock on the door. But they didn't come-perhaps because they knew I'd never done anything violent. In any case, there were enough genuine extremists round there to keep them busy-not that it ever led to an arrest.'

'What if you went to one of the newspapers about Jimmy?'

'Then I'd automatically be shopping myself. I want to tell David first, and see how he reacts. And if he decides to go to lawyers then I can't stop him. But it has to be his choice.'

'You are brave,' Daisy said as we stood up. 'This could have terrible consequences for you.'

'Yes,' I said quietly. 'I know. But I also know that I simply have to tell David. And I do want to-and equally I don't want to. It's like having one foot on the brake and the other on the accelerator. It's psychological stalemate.'

'Well, I'm sure you'll find a way.' But when? 'Anyway,' Daisy went on, 'can we just have a look downstairs before I fly back to the office? I've got to try and find a present for Nigel's fortieth.' We went down the wooden spiral staircase to the ground floor. 'Maybe I'll get him a really nice rug. He is going to have a party, by the way,' she added as we flipped through the pile of kelims. 'You know that old friend of his you met at the barbecue? Alan? The barrister? He phoned me on Friday to discuss Nigel's birthday. So I just said that I'd be taking Nigel out to dinner somewhere, but he said that he thought Nigel really ought to have a proper party-a surprise party-and that he'd arrange it with that other friend of theirs, Jon. So I said that was fine and Alan phoned me this morning to say they've booked the venue.'

'Where?'

'At the zoo.'

'The zoo?'

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