Part 69 (1/2)
”We can sit on the steps,” I said ”Come, they won't hurt you”
”I refuse to enter a too inside” And indeed, I would not have wanted to--it lay in deep darkness ”We can just sit here” I sank down and patted the place besidefro
We sat, side by side, pri it over and over, as if he had a ring to put on it ”I must away,” he said quietly, as if he had finally accepted it ”The events of the wider world callincident ”I thought I was more subtle”
”How subtle could a salted fish be?” He laughed softly ”As subtle as the pyrahthouse What yptian? My crocodile of Old Nile But the crocodile is aeternally”
”I a blackness behind us ”Or I would not need a htly
”You have a very silly streak in you,” I said ”But tell me, if you have decided--what you will do And when”
”I will go to Tyre and see firsthand what has happened with the Parthians,”
he said ”And after that--I don't know It will depend on what I find out But this one thing I do knoill coood-bye”
Pretty words But in ay could he coypt We were neither rebels nor enemies, or situated near rebels or enemies to serve as a base of operations And next time Fulvia would most likely travel with him
”If there is so ”Do not ever think I leave out of a surfeit of you, for that is impossible” He paused ”Nor because I search for anyone else”
Then why didn't he divorce Fulvia? Perhaps because he was afraid to-- because then he would have no excuse not to behave differently As it was, she could act in his na up with uity in the eyes of the world Perhaps aave him freedo final decisions
”Then let's have one last private night together,” I said, rising
For the first tiain I took his hand as alked slowly across the lawn tohu so I beca, delicately perfu burners on tables The wind swept through fro of the sea far below sounded like ancient music
”There is only one memory you need to take with you,” I said I stretched out on lorious Oh, why is this not a perhest moment on earth The pity of it is, it is only ait was farewell I held hi, which seeed with sadness
It was good that he would go now Soon e, and he would notice And I would lose my own freedom to decide what to tell and what not, what to do or not Perhaps I liked auity as well as he Caesar would not have approved, but Caesar was gone I realized with surprise that perhaps I was ard than I was like Caesar
Chapter 49
Once he had decided, AntonyHe would sail with his suards directly for Tyre; he sent word ahead that his newly built fleet of two hundred shi+ps should make themselves ready--for what, he was not yet sure An air of briskness as stirring as the strong spring winds rushed through the palace There were swirls of es, sails, and all the noises of weapons being gathered up
He stood beforein the reat audience hall It was very public, and he was, suddenly, very Roman
I faced him, Caesarion by my side I knew this departure would be hard on my son, who had come to depend on Antony as a constant source of auidance I put my arm around his little shoulders, which already came up to the middle of my ribs This summer he would be seven
”I come to say farewell,” Antony said ”It would be impossible for me ever to repay your hospitality, but I thank you o with you, and grant you a safe journey,” I said,the tired old formula, hat I wanted to say was, I love you because your honor o, but res I love you because your honor o, but res
He bowed, then said impulsively, ”Come, look out over the harbor withthe forether alked across the wide expanse of the hall and out onto the portico, where the brightness of the sea and sky hurtbehind us
For an instant ere by ourselves; he leaned close and whispered into my ear, ”This is not farewell, but just a brief separation” His breath ar off a thousand memories and their attendant desire
”Duty is the stern daughter of the Gods,” I said ”And noe e to her” I dropped his hand, lest I try to hold on to it and pull him back
The shi+ps sailed away, their sails as white as the waves on the sea, growing smaller and smaller until they disappeared on the eastern horizon I stood watching frohthouse and made out for the open sea; Caesarion watched with hthousenow they one” His voice sounded faint and sad The ga had sustained hiahed and made his way back inside, to sluame waited ”When will he come back7” he asked
”I don't know,” I answered Never Never, I thought ”He has a war to prepare for, and after that, we cannot knoill happen”
Odd how he had filled the palace, had filled all of Alexandria, or so it seemed, and now it al before he came, of course, but now it seenia on it He had not actually lived in my rooms, but they--and I-- ached for him, diminished without him
I allowed myself to roam around my depleted quarters and touch each place of deficiency, then put it away init as neatly and resolutely as any Ro ca one to fight his own battles on a different stage, and they were now his battles, not mine
Of course it was not entirely over There was that legacy of the , in Alexandria Char her own unhappiness at the departure of Flavius One quiet night, after she had brushed own, she said simply, ”So he left anyway”
”He didn't know” It was a relief to be able to talk about it to soive voice at last to this most important fact I didn't even ask, How did How did you you know? know?
”You didn't tell him?” She sounded incredulous ”Was that fair to hi him would be unfair”
”Why is the truth unfair?” she asked ”What were you protecting him from?”
”I don't know,” I said ”I feltmyself”
She shook her head ”No, you've done just the opposite You've injured yourself They'll say--oh, I can't bear to think of what they'll say about you!”
”I don't care,” I answered, but that was not strictly true I could not bear ridicule or pity, particularly the latter ”And which 'they' do you mean? My subjects? The Romans? Fulvia?” There, I had said Fulvia Fulvia
”Oh, all of the--”
”That is in Judaea Greeks and Egyptians don't stone,” I reminded her ”Besides, perhaps it will convince people that Antony is more Caesar-like than Octavian, since he has followed in his footsteps” The huhed, her deep, husky laugh ”I don't think it was Caesar's footsteps footsteps where he followed” where he followed”
Noe both laughed Finally Charmian said, seriously, ”I don't suppose it would hurt Antony to have a son as half brother to Caesar's”
No, not if Antony would exploit it, I thought But he was unlikely to That was both his honor and his weakness
In a few days I felt obligated to tell Oly Antony, to tell another man His reaction was even more vehement than I had expected
”Have you no sense at all?” he cried ” ”What about--”
I opened the box where I had stored his opportune birthday gift, and handed the jar back to hi down inside He sounded utterly exasperated, like a parent with a ard child He set it down on the floor and crossed his ar his foot