Part 12 (2/2)

D, McDonald's at the Gabba is processing thirty-seven burgers and fries. Done in thirty. Try stalling them with the release for fifteen. R R, Stalling not an issue. Still no release from the boys. s.h.i.+t a brick. Di When I arrived at McDonald's, Codie was frenetic, filling cups of c.o.ke. 'I was praying you'd turn up,' he said when I introduced myself. 'My manager's on her lunch break and she'd freak out if I'd fallen for a hoax.'

Ten minutes later, I boarded the bus, laden with greasy paper bags. By the time the burgers had been distributed and demolished, we'd arrived at the convention centre. Di and I joined Luke and the LOO in a backstage room with a tense vibe.

'Mate, I read the policy doc,' said Di. 'I think it's a winner.'

Luke's policy, which I'd read on the bus over a Diet c.o.ke, seemed to be a series of motherhood statements about the plight of small business. The only real commitment was the introduction of a government mediation centre to resolve default disputes between banks and business. It was uninspiring and unworkable.

The LOO sat at a desk in the corner of the room reading through his speech. We sat in silence and waited for the verdict.

'This is a bogus attempt to make us look like we're ahead of the game, and what it does is make us seem desperate to catch up.' Max stabbed his pen into the pile of paper.

Luke fiddled with the lid of his pen.

'The gallery will rightly write this up as policy on the run. It does nothing of substance. What happened to our Business Bonus?'

'We couldn't get it costed in time and we can't afford to go out with un-costed policies in this climate,' said Luke.

'You're being melodramatic, Max,' said Di. 'This is just the start of our SME policy. And it's an important start because we're showing everyone that we're in touch with the problems SMEs face and we're prioritising them.'

'She's right,' said Luke.

'What do you think, Roo?' asked the LOO.

Don't f.u.c.k this up, Ruby, said my helpful head. Tell them what you think.

But this was one of those awkward moments in life when you know that the truth won't help. There was no point in telling Max the policy was meaningless and impracticable-the media already had a copy so Max would have to sell it regardless. Luke looked up at me with anxious eyes.

'My father started his career as a bank manager and used to recount harrowing stories of having to break the news of default and repossession to his clients when they couldn't make their loan payments. It was dreadful for everyone.

'The mediation centre is a good move for bankers and business owners alike. It tells them that you appreciate what they're going through and that while it will not fix the problem it's a start.'

We waited for judgment. Finally, Max sighed. 'I guess so. Who's doing my make-up?'

'I am,' said Di, giving me a pat on the back.

I could hear my own heartbeat, but my head was louder. First day on the job and you're already a yes-man. Well done, Ruby.

But Luke was down on his luck, I told my head, despite having the best of intentions and an infestation of four-leaf clovers around his neck. Blame Theo, head.

'Can you track down Archie and tell him that's how we're positioning this?' Luke pulled me out of the room.

'But I just made that up.'

'That's what we all do.'

I dialled Archie's number. Luke took a step closer to me. 'Thanks, Roo.'

I waved his thanks away. 'Archie, it's Roo. Where are you?'

'In the auditorium.'

'Luke wanted you to know that we're positioning this as the first of a raft of announcements for business to demonstrate that this is a priority for the LOO.' I said it so definitively that I surprised myself and immediately wanted to take it back.

'Understood,' said Archie.

I went back into the room, where Max was now amending parts of his speech while Di did his make-up. A shattered Theo was lying on the couch, looking even older than he had yesterday.

'Showtime,' said Max. Luke followed him out.

'Wait here for me, Roo,' said Di. 'I'm going to give Archie a hand.'

Delighted with the opportunity to stop, I sat down and watched the LOO's speech on the screen set up for us.

'I'm Theo,' said Theo, still prostrate.

'I know.'

'How?'

'Because we met yesterday.'

'You must look different today.'

'Actually, I'm wearing exactly the same thing as yesterday, minus the belt and knickers.'

He stared at my crotch.

'I am wearing knickers today, just not the same ones as yesterday.'

'Good to know.' He yawned.

'Give me your gla.s.ses,' I demanded. They were so greasy they were opaque. He obliged. I pulled a cleaning cloth from my Toolkit and polished them for him.

We listened to Max. He delivered the lackl.u.s.tre policy with panache and received a standing ovation at the end. I gave Theo his gla.s.ses.

'How did you do that?'

'Magic.'

Ten minutes later, Max, Luke and Di came back into the room and slumped on the couch.

'What's next?' Max picked up an apple and began to munch.

'A meeting with the pollsters,' said Luke. 'Your next interview has been canned so it's just the fundraiser and then a strategy meeting.'

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