Vol 1 Chapter 1 (1/2)

Chapter 1: The Concept of Dirty Jokes Doesn’t Exist

“Ugh.”

I, Ok.u.ma Tanukichi, groaned as I was jostled around by middle-aged office workers in a packed train.

Oh, no. I need to look presentable.

I straightened my back, but the hair and clothes I had spent so long getting just right this morning were still a mess and a gloomy mood escaped my lips.

I was finally on my way to Tokioka Academy’s high school entrance ceremony.

Looking like this, there was no way I could look Anna-senpai in the eye when I saw her again after so long.

I had worked so hard to wipe clean my infamous past and make myself a wholesome person both inside and out, but this could easily ruin it all with the first impression I gave.

“Hm?”

As I consciously swallowed yet another sigh before it escaped, I felt someone’s eyes on me.

I turned in that direction.

“…”

A large man a head taller than everyone else was glaring at me. He must have noticed me looking because he quickly looked away, but as soon as I faced forward again, his sweaty face turned back my way.

What is with him? That’s just creepy.

A closer look showed the man was wearing the same Tokioka Academy uniform I was.

Someone with that huge and gorilla-like a face is a student? I wondered, while also thinking this was unusual.

The area I lived in was composed mostly of single-person apartments for office workers living away from their family and the residential district and student dorms were located in the opposite direction. I hadn’t expected to run across any other students on the train to school, so I began to wonder if this was some grown man in a costume.

But my mocking thoughts were cut off by the train’s announcement.

“Next stop, s.h.i.+mada Station…s.h.i.+mada Station.”

To get to Tokioka Academy, I had to get off at the station after s.h.i.+mada, so I began preparing myself to leave.

“Hey, you!”

A thick female voice filled the train.

“You’ve been touching my rear end this entire time! I’ll hand you over to the Guidance Department! Step off with at s.h.i.+mada Station!”

“Eh? Eh?”

The individual whose arm was lifted high and who seemed utterly baffled by this turn of events was the large man who had been leering at me.

The pa.s.sengers around me started accusing him.

“Wow, guys like that are the worst.”

“It’s all over for him.”

“Hey, isn’t that moles-…whoops, that was close. Isn’t that guy a Tokioka student? Would someone from there really do that?”

“Are you stupid? You really hadn’t heard? Those students have started doing weird things a lot lately. This is probably part of that. Look, I don’t think he knows what he did was wrong. They really don’t get that it’s a crime to touch a woman’s body.”

“But everyone knows that. It’s not like they have to teach it to you.”

The train had entirely decided that guy was a molester.

“Ahh, ahh. Honestly.”

But I knew the truth.

That guy hadn’t been looking at that woman because he’d spent the whole time eyeing me. And I don’t mean that in a weird way.

At any rate, I could say pretty confidently the woman had completely made up the entire molestation thing.

There was only one thing to do at a time like this.

I pressed a hand to my forehead and gave a heavy sigh. It was by far the heaviest yet.

At any rate, I made up my mind by telling myself Anna-senpai would surely feel the need to help someone in need.

Since he had no idea what molestation meant, that large boy apparently really was a Tokioka student, so I could get him to buy me a drink or something when I saw him safe and sound later on.

I removed the brand new school uniform with a lily emblem on it and stuffed it in my bag. (It was already all wrinkled anyway.) After removing my dress s.h.i.+rt, I pulled a handkerchief from my pocket and wrapped it around my face like a bandanna to complete my disguise.

I forcibly twisted around to operate my PM bracelet. A small computer screen was projected onto the back of the middle-aged man in front of me and I accessed the internet to search for a map of s.h.i.+mada Station. After finding an escape route, I was done.

I slipped through the crowd and moved up next to the large boy and the suit-wearing woman.

I swept aside the large boy’s hand and had the woman grab my hand instead.

“Huh? What do you think you’re doing? Hey!”

“I’m sorry!” I shouted to drown out the woman’s voice. “I was the one touching you! I’m sorry! I didn’t know groping your rear end was wrong! Looking at it directly would be the right thing to do, wouldn’t it!? I’ve seen the error of my ways, so please forgive me!”

“You have not seen the error of your ways! And let go! I have business with that student.”

If I feigned ignorance that much, it was sure to make my confession more believable.

As soon as everyone’s eyes focused on me, the train came to a stop and the doors opened.

I used the flow of people to help drag the woman onto the platform.

The large boy stared at me in blank surprise until the door closed and the train began to move.

He seemed to come back to his senses and yelled something at me, but I simply waved goodbye, muttered “now then”, and turned to face the woman.

Her face was still twisted to the point I thought she was going to bite at me.

“You don’t get kids from that rich school on this line often, you know? You have guts to get in my way. …Attendant, this man is a criminal! He was touching my rear end!”

So she really was bluffing. Honestly.

As expected, she tried to get revenge by shrieking that I had molested her. The station attendant that heard her called someone using his PM necklace.

A member of the Guidance Department, specialists in cracking down on all s.e.xual crimes, would likely be sent in from the closest police station.

Avoiding a false molestation accusation was incredibly difficult and I had already given my insane “confession”. If I was arrested here, this story would have an early ending.

“Ah, wait!”

I glanced back at the several station attendants pursuing me as I raced full speed along the station platform.

I already knew my escape route and my legs were in top form after the training I’d gone through back home.

I ran down the stairs as if to say “catch me if you can”. To pa.s.s through the ticket gate smoothly, I adjusted the position of the bracelet containing my electronic money and pa.s.senger data.

s.h.i.+mada Station’s platform was on the second story, so escaping would be difficult if I couldn’t break through here.

But I didn’t see the attendants catching up, so it looked like I would be fine.

But then…

“Geh!?”

I rapidly threw on the brakes.

After climbing over the ticket gate, some men in pure white uniforms ran up the stairs.

Guidance Officers!? Why!? That was way too fast!

This was bad. I had underestimated the strict control of this pure city that had censored s.e.xuality in every way possible.

By cutting through the wave of people to quickly return to the platform, I somehow managed to avoid being caught between the attendants and the Guidance Officers.

But what was I supposed to do now?

I had already checked and there was only the one stairway down from the second story platform. There were no footholds on the tall fence, so it would be difficult to climb.

I was chased across the platform by the attendants, but I reached a dead end before long.

…Huh? Am I screwed?

Wait, wait, wait, wait! What do I do!?

Simply muttering “p.e.n.i.s” could get you arrested these days, so being charged with molestation would kill my social standing overnight.

If that was my fate, I considered ending my life by groping a nearby beautiful woman’s tailbone, but then…

“Gah!?”

Someone grabbed my shoulders and pulled me to the ground.

I was confused since the attendants and Guidance Officers shouldn’t have been that close yet and I saw someone leaning over me and peering down at my face.

Based on the pleasant sensation of black hair falling down on my face, this seemed to be a girl.

The backlight kept me from seeing her face or clothing.

“Honestly, what do you think you’re doing?”

She sounded exasperated and she pointed in the opposite direction of my escape plan.

“There’s a rope hanging down from the other end of the platform. I’ll draw their attention, so you slip past them and escape.”

“What? Who are you?”

“Hurry!”

She easily lifted me to my feet and charged toward the Guidance Officers without a word more.

Only then did I get a good view of her, even if only from behind.

She had a towel wrapped around her like a Teru-Teru Bouzu and she had some kind of white cloth hiding her head.

I completely forgot to run and instead watched that bizarrely-dressed person.

“W-waaaah!?”

“Eh?”

As I stood in confusion, I heard the Guidance Officers screaming in obvious disturbance.

“Attention users of this station! Please escape immediately! Blue Snowfield has appeared!”

Blue Snowfield? What the h.e.l.l is going on here?

Still, this did give me an opening. I began to run on reflex and slipped past the girl with a towel wrapped around her.

That was when it happened.

“Peeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeenis!”

I fell flat on my face.

“What!?”

This girl in a towel just used a banned word! She didn’t even use a euphemism or anything! She straight up said it! G.o.dd.a.m.n, I’m jealo-…no, no, no, no! Calm down.

Wondering who this girl was, I looked up only to shout in surprise when faced with another shocking fact. The cloth hiding the towel girl’s face was a pair of pure white panties. The two holes usually used to pa.s.s one’s thighs through contained eyes filled with an insane amount of energy and smoldering with a bright light.

There has to be a better way to hide your face! (I’ll trade you for my handkerchief!)

I wasn’t the only confused one. The Guidance Officers were hectically shouting into their PM necklaces.

“Everyone! Hurry downstairs! Stop and you will be caught in this terrorist attack! Hurry down!”

“HQ, please respond! Blue Snowfield has appeared on the s.h.i.+mada Station platform! Please send reinforcements ASAP!”

“p.e.n.i.s p.e.n.i.s in p.u.s.s.y! p.e.n.i.s p.e.n.i.s in p.u.s.s.y! Ahhh hah hah hah hah! How refres.h.i.+ng it is to shout dirty words in public!”

“Silence her immediately! Dammit! Today we’ll finally capture her!”

“Why does her PM never detect the banned words!?”

The platform was instantly thrown into so much chaos you would’ve thought a tornado had hit.

Everyone had completely forgotten about me as the mysterious panties girl made her intense presence known and reigned supreme.

Guidance Officers completely surrounded her and slowly closed in on her.

A ton of bystanders waited outside that circle, their eyes glittering with antic.i.p.ation, so it looked physically impossible for the girl to escape.

But…

“Stay back!”

The panties girl warned the Guidance Officers with a loud, energetic voice that carried through all the noise.

“Do you know why I’m wearing the towel?”

She asked an odd question.

She had saved me, but I could only think she was completely insane.

“Because I am not wearing a single thing underneath!” she proudly announced. “The instant you roughly try to restrain me, I’ll be stripped bare!”

“Gh…”

The station attendants groaned and shrank back.

“I’m glad to see you understand. Just to be clear, my announcement of nudity has bene recorded by my PM! Anyone who restrains me will have their life ruined by the crime of stripping a girl in public!”

Had anyone ever before tried to escape such a hopeless situation with such a vulgar threat?

Whether they had or not, it was super effective.

The panties girl’s bold att.i.tude had given her complete control of the situation. The Guidance Officers were eager to capture this person disturbing public morals, but they all fell silent.

“Now, I think I’ll be leaving.”

She began rummaging around below her towel.

“Give us liberation from s.e.xual oppression! Give the people a right to dirty jokes! Well, I’d breast be going now. Bye!”

With that final shout, she raised her hands toward the sky and scattered something through the air.

It looked like confetti.

Hundreds of colorful cards the size of playing cards fluttered through the air and rained down on the Guidance Officers and bystanders.

“Ohhhhhh!?”

An earth-shaking cheer rose from the bystanders.

The people crawled around picking up the cards, so the crowd moved about erratically. The Guidance Officers shouted angrily, trying to put a stop to it, but that only made the chaos worse.

The panties girl slipped through the gaps in the panicked crowd and ran off with a satisfied grin large enough to see through the panties. She was trying to escape on the same route she had suggested to me.

“Ah…”

One of the cards she had scattered rode the wind over to my feet.

Curious what was printed on it, I picked it up.

“Gwah!?”

I screamed and threw the card away.

The card depicted a girl bashfully exposing her beautiful body and ample b.r.e.a.s.t.s with a look of ecstasy on her face. The back of a naked man could be seen approaching her. My b.u.t.t clenched tightly when I saw it.

My left hand twitched and reached for the card like a snake freed from the chains of rational thought.

“Kh!”

But I somehow managed to restrain myself.

Possession of s.e.xual depictions was not a crime, but if I picked this up here, I would become an unwholesome and impure human being who could never look Anna-senpai in the eye. Sweat poured from my body as I told myself I could not pick up that card and that any desire for that erotic ill.u.s.tration simply did not exist.

But that aside, what was going on?

Just like the use of banned words, the creation of s.e.xual ill.u.s.trations was monitored by the PMs. Unlike using the words, it was difficult for a computer to automatically detect the creation of ill.u.s.trations, so the crime was not established the instant they were drawn. Still, the weight of the crime when you were arrested was no joking matter. Usage of banned words only resulted in a fine or forced labor, but creating ill.u.s.trations almost guaranteed imprisonment. These erotic ill.u.s.trations were strictly banned, so scattering them around in public was like asking to be arrested.

That panties girl had also shouted banned words at the top of her lungs, so it was possible she had a way of not being caught by the automatic functions of her PM. Otherwise, she could never act so recklessly.

But at the same time, that seemed impossible.

If there was some convenient way of avoiding it, my dad wouldn’t have been caught so easily.

“Are you still here?”

The panties girl gave another exasperated comment from behind her panties. This closer look made it clear she was my age and her eyes turned to my twitching left arm.

“Oh? There’s no need to resist. These are copies of my treasured p.o.r.n magazine collection, so you can take as many as you want.”

“Por-…unwholesome magazines!?”

She had just said yet another unbelievable thing.

“Why are you so surprised? Making drawings is risky and everyone capable of making such high-quality erotic drawings has already had their PMs marked by the Guidance Department, so I can’t openly work with them. Making hard-to-track copies of p.o.r.n is standard fare for a perorist.”

What in the h.e.l.l is a perorist!?

The panties girl grabbed my twitching left hand and began running with tremendous speed. Dumbfounded, I could only follow as she pulled on my arm.

Making copies of p.o.r.n is standard fare? You’ve got to be kidding me.

Barely any p.o.r.n still existed in modern j.a.pan.

The government’s PM diffusion policy that began twenty-five years ago had created a high-level ubiquitous computing society where every single citizen wore high-powered data terminals at all times and the safety and convenience of online shopping improved dramatically. As a result, all varieties of p.o.r.n had been converted to electronic data and were distributed online. The market for physical p.o.r.n had quickly vanished since the risk of your family finding them was high and you couldn’t store that many. Before long, no more were being produced. And the few p.o.r.n magazines officially preserved by the publishers had almost all been disposed of to enforce the Public Morality and Wholesome Upbringing Law sixteen years ago.

With the requirement to wear your PM at all times ten years ago, it became impossible to anonymously distribute p.o.r.nographic material online and the p.o.r.n data saved to personal PMs had all been formatted and erased.

At the end of it all, the very few remaining p.o.r.n magazines were known as “ancient treasures” and sold at exorbitant prices on the black market.

And yet this girl was calling copies of those treasures “standard fare”.

Could you be any more ridiculous? (I want the originals. I want them so bad.)

“Hurry up!”

The next thing I knew, the girl stood proudly at the top of the tall fence with her towel fluttering in the wind. Her heroic appearance would have looked pretty cool if not for the panties over her face.

It suddenly occurred to me that I was on the run too, so I hurriedly grabbed the rope and began climbing the fence.

As I looked down on a portion of the beautifully laid-out city with a pure designation, I heard several shrill sirens in the distance. The vehicles carrying more Guidance Officers were about to arrive.

“I’ll hold off the reinforcements, so you hurry on to school! Don’t be late to the entrance ceremony.”

“Eh? Wait! How did you know!?”

Without answering me, the panties girl slid down the rope hanging down the outside of the fence and reached the ground. She ran into the morning rush hour traffic with the speed of a bullet and her conspicuous form blended into the crowd after only a few seconds. Just how athletic was she?

“Hey, you! Get down from there!”

“Oh, c.r.a.p.”

I dropped down fast enough to get rope burn on my palms and whipped my stinging legs forward to begin running as quick as I could.

Um, I’ll get there eventually if I follow the train tracks, right!?

I completely forgot to activate my PM’s navigation system as I ran with all my might.

The panties girl must have stopped them because the Guidance Officers didn’t pursue me. Of course, it wasn’t surprising someone as strange as that would draw their attention.

I arrived out of breath at Tokioka Academy with 5MtS (5 minutes to spare) before the entrance ceremony, so the PE teacher in charge of public morals scolded me as I slipped in at the last second.

Most of the students had attended the academy for middle school as well, so not many had tested in for high school like I had. I really felt like an outsider.

I stepped into the orderly atmosphere after everyone else had arrived, so the eyes stabbing into me included a strange, sticky emotion.

What is this stirring in my loins?

This school was said to have the nation’s top public morals record, so they may have had relatively strict management of normal behavior in addition to s.e.xual matters. What kind of school psychically stimulated your crotch if you were late?

“Hey, is that him?”

“You mean the one coming from the school with the absolute worst public morals record?”

As I fixed my clothes and ignored the curious looks I had expected, the ceremony began.

As the board chairman politely and formally gave us some welcome instructions, I had to resist the effects of the sleeping spell Rarihoma his words cast on me. After that, it was finally time for the student council president’s speech.

I had caught my breath and straightened out my clothes, so I straightened my posture and looked up to the stage.

I had also listened to the board chairman’s worthless speech. Or at least pretended to.

“As the high school student representative, Student Council President Anna Nis.h.i.+kinomiya will now greet the student body.”

“Yes, sir.”

A calm and beautiful voice filled the gym in response to the call.

With each perfectly regulated footstep, silver hair seemingly spun from jewels swayed and gave a glimpse of a face with doll-like perfection. I could sense the large gym’s atmosphere growing crystal clear.

That was just how refined this beauty and elegance was.

Anna-senpai’s appearance on the stage took everyone’s breath away, stole their hearts, and brought silence.

“Everyone, congratulations on entering our academy. I am Anna Nis.h.i.+kinomiya.”

Her beautiful voice was amplified by her PM’s necklace as her greeting began.

It was a perfectly harmless speech, but I could instinctually tell her calm demeanor and magical charm had complete control of this s.p.a.ce.

“She really is amazing.”

A very, very quiet voice naturally escaped my lips.

I had devoted myself from the moment I had fallen in love at first sight and I had worked to make myself refined, wholesome, and excellent on the inside and outside, but it still wasn’t nearly enough. I hadn’t reached her level at all.

When I had gotten into Tokioka Academy, the best of the best in public morals, after attending the middle school that ranked rock bottom in that category, I had been so overjoyed that I had sobbed that it was a miracle, run full speed through the streets late at night, and ultimately been taken into custody by the police. I had been so busy dreaming of entering the student council and working alongside Anna-senpai, that I had been grinning like an idiot until just before my mom came to get me.

Still, reality was cruel. I didn’t see any chance of Anna-senpai and I getting along together.

I was overwhelmed by her flowing speech, but it also set my fighting spirit ablaze.

The higher the ideal, the more it was worth attaining.

Once her speech ended, a veritable explosion of applause filled the gym.

I didn’t hold back and clapped until my hands hurt. I was filled with a desire to become the kind of guy who could stand next to her and receive this kind of praise.

“Hm?”

That was when I noticed there was something in my pocket.

I peeked inside and saw one of the erotic ill.u.s.trations that the panties girl had been scattering on the station platform.

Eh? What am I supposed to do with this nuke?

“…”

There was nothing I could do as the entrance ceremony ended and I sat in my designated seat in my allotted cla.s.sroom.

I wanted to dispose of the obscene drawing as soon as possible, but it wasn’t something I could dispose of carelessly. My old middle school would have been one thing, but this was the great Tokioka Academy.

Sixteen years had pa.s.sed since the Public Morality and Wholesome Upbringing Law had banned all s.e.xual expression. The textbooks categorized periods and wet dreams along with your voice dropping and growing pains, so all s.e.xual knowledge was omitted in this day and age.

If someone saw me throwing out the ill.u.s.tration, I could easily be accused of terrorism. And since I came from the school with the worst public morals record, the head of the PTA had personally spoken with me, insisting they would never forgive me if I spread s.e.xual knowledge here.

I didn’t have the guts to casually walk around with that nuke hidden on my person, so I could only sit still and wait for time to pa.s.s.

During the downtime before our homeroom teacher arrived, my new cla.s.smates were chatting with each other to deepen their friends.h.i.+p.

It seemed everyone but me in Year 1 Cla.s.s 1 had attended Tokioka for middle school too, so they all split into their various predetermined groups to enjoy each other’s company.

I soon noticed an odd atmosphere mixed into that lively chatting.

I felt the return of the mysterious stare attack from the entrance ceremony that brought a funny feeling to my crotch. That was now the default and the whispered conversations I could hear were strange indeed.

“Hey, go talk to him already.”

“Eh? But we still don’t know. He might be a spy.”

“Isn’t it too late to be worrying about that? It doesn’t matter as long as the ‘subst.i.tute words’ aren’t found out.”

“Oh, that’s right! If we hesitate here, we’ll never know anything. It seems Blue is having difficulty doing anything lately, so we need to start doing something too.”

They probably thought I couldn’t hear them, but they were too naïve. Boys could naturally pick up a girl’s hushed voice even if they weren’t saying anything lewd.

But since they were talking amongst themselves, I had a hard time figuring out what they meant. What did they mean by a spy or by Blue?

It wasn’t an unpleasant feeling and they actually seemed to be welcoming me, but I just couldn’t relax. A lowly guy like me ending up in a school with the nation’s best public morals record was such an extreme turn of events that I had prepared myself for some persecution, so this caught me off guard and filled me with a fear of the unknown.

One girl quietly pushed back her seat and stood up.

The unique commotion of a new school year quieted down like someone had thrown cold water on it.

This girl had seaweed-like wavy hair and she walked unsteadily toward me.

She stopped right in front of my desk and stared down at me with an expressionless look void of all emotion.

She had nice facial features, but the horrible bags below her eyes seemed to ruin it somewhat. The mechanical design of her silver PM suited her lifelessness.

“Um, do you need something?”

I squeezed my hand around the erotic drawing in my pocket.

I knew there was no way she would know it was there, but nervous sweat still soaked my armpits, my palms, and my crotch.

“Sorry for not saying so sooner, but I am Fuwa Hyouka. It is nice to meet you.”

“Sure. I’m Ok.u.ma Tanukichi. Nice to meet you too.”

The girl named Fuwa Hyouka sounded entirely indifferent as she introduced herself.

Her eyes stared at me without wavering in the slightest. They seemed incredibly inhuman and – as much as I hated to say it – uncomfortable.

“This may be sudden, but there is something I would like to ask you, Tanukichi-san. May I?”

“Sure. That’s fine by me.”

What could she possibly have wanted to ask someone she had only just met?

She mechanically thanked me and then got to her question.

“Could you tell me how babies are made?”

Her voice remained entirely flat.

“What?”

I a.s.sumed I was tired from the incident that morning. I had to be hearing things.

I focused more closely and smiled.

“Could you say that again?”

“Could you tell me how babies are made?”

“Once more.”

“Could you tell me how babies are made? …Am I not getting through to you? It would seem hoping for a decent oral explanation from you would be inefficient. So could you use a more hands-on method to teach me in precise detail how babies are made?”

Someone call a translator. Or a codebreaker.

I used my PM to display a computer screen in empty air and activated the navigation system. Was I really in Tokioka Academy?

“Is something the matter, Ok.u.ma-san?”

I was overcome by intense heart palpitations, but I worked to calm myself and slowly opened my mouth.

If I panicked and rushed my answer, who could say what would come out of my mouth.

“Don’t the textbooks say how babies are made? Y’know, ‘when a man and a women love each other very much, a baby is naturally born’.”

“You are full of lies and so is this society.”

Fuwa-san completely cut me off.

“All living creatures will die eventually. There are many causes of death, but we can accurately control and observe why and how that death occurs. Humans are no exception and countless people die every single day. Nevertheless, the population keeps increasing. There are enough births to exceed the inevitability of death, so I can’t imagine it can be described with something as vague and difficult-to-define as ‘love’. There must be a mechanism as clearly defined as death to place a baby inside us women. I want to uncover that secret.”

There’s no secret to it. Just start going at it and before long… Wait, are you serious?

Are Tokioka students really this ignorant about s.e.x?

“Just the year before last, I had no clues whatsoever toward discovering the cause of pregnancy and I was forced to spend my days visiting the ob/gyn office by the train station and asking the pregnant women what I had to do to get pregnant, but they only ever gave me the same answer you just did. I was finally forbidden from returning and was on the verge of being expelled from school for a time, but that process gave me a thought. Pregnancy must hide some great secret that the government wants to hide enough to invest untold sums of money into the PMs and other programs.”

Someone help me. This girl is crazy.

“But last year, a glimmer of hope reached my research. Blue’s terrorist acts confirmed my suspicions that the concept of ‘obscene’ regulated by the Public Morality and Wholesome Upbringing Law is closely linked to pregnancy. The embarra.s.sed looks I received from the pregnant women I asked for information were exactly the same as the ones on the teachers when they saw the terrorist acts. And most importantly, the intuition of my gray brain cells and of my lower abdomen was shouting to me that there is a link between obscenity and pregnancy. Science is so often progressed by intuition.”

What is with her!? I have no idea how I’m supposed to handle this!