Part 93 (2/2)

MR. BARTLEMAN, a celebrated ba.s.s-singer, was taken ill, just before the commencement of the musical festival at Gloucester: another ba.s.so was applied to, at a short notice, who attended, and acquitted himself to the satisfaction of everybody. When he called on the organist to be paid, the latter thanked him most cordially for the n.o.ble manner in which he had sung; and concluded with the following very complimentary and pleasant message: ”When you see poor Bartleman, give my best regards _to him_; and tell him how much we _missed him_ during the festival!”

MDCLx.x.xVII.--EXISTENCE OF MATTER.

AS Berkeley, the celebrated author of the Immaterial Theory, was one morning musing in the cloisters of Dublin College, an acquaintance came up to him, and, seeing him rapt in contemplation, hit him a smart rap on the shoulder with his cane. The dean starting, called out, ”_What's the matter_?” His acquaintance, looking him steadily in the face, replied, ”_No matter, Berkeley_.”

MDCLx.x.xVIII.--A SAUCY ANSWER.

A BARRISTER attempting to browbeat a female witness, told her she had _bra.s.s_ enough to make a saucepan. The woman retorted, ”and you have _sauce_ enough to fill it.”

MDCLx.x.xIX.--QUAINT EPITAPH.

DR. FULLER having requested one of his companions to make an epitaph for him, received the following:

”_Here lies Fuller's earth_!”

MDCXC.--AN INHOSPITABLE IRISHMAN.

SIR BOYLE ROACH, the droll of the Irish bar, sent an amusingly equivocal invitation to an Irish n.o.bleman of his acquaintance: ”I hope, my Lord, if ever you come within a mile of my house, that you'll _stay there all night_.” When he was suffering from an attack of gout, he thus rebuked his shoemaker: ”O, you're a precious blockhead to do directly the reverse of what I desired you. I told you to make one of the shoes _larger_ than the other, and instead of that you have made one of them _smaller_ than the other!”

MDCXCI.--GOOD ENOUGH FOR A PIG.

AN IRISH peasant being asked why he permitted his pig to take up its quarters with his family, made an answer abounding with satirical _navete_: ”Why not? Doesn't the place afford every convenience that _a pig can require_?”

MDCXCII.--FARCICAL.

IN Bannister's time, a farce was performed under the t.i.tle of ”Fire and Water.”--”I predict its fate,” said he. ”What fate?” whispered the anxious author at his side. ”What fate!” said Bannister; ”why, what can fire and water produce but a _hiss_?”

MDCXCIII.--TOO MUCH AT ONCE.

LORD CHESTERFIELD one day, at an inn where he dined, complained very much that the plates and dishes were very dirty. The waiter, with a degree of pertness, observed, ”It is said every one must _eat a peck of dirt_ before he dies.”--”That may be true,” said Chesterfield, ”but no one is obliged to eat it all _at one meal_, you dirty dog.”

MDCXCIV.--EPIGRAM.

(On Bishop ----'s Religion.)

THOUGH not a Catholic, his lords.h.i.+p has, 'Tis plain, strong disposition to a-ma.s.s (a ma.s.s).

MDCXCV.--POSSIBLE CENSORS.

<script>