Part 80 (1/2)

MCDx.x.xI.--NOTHING TO BOAST OF.

”THE British empire, sir,” exclaimed an orator, ”is one on which the sun never sets.”--”And one,” replied an auditor, ”in which the _tax-gatherer_ never goes to bed.”

MCDx.x.xII.--COLONIAL BREWERIES.

WHAT two ideas are more inseparable than Beer and Britannia? what event more awfully important to an English colony, than the erection of its _first brewhouse?_--S.S.

MCDx.x.xIII.--A CLOSER.

SOME person caused the following inscription to be placed over the door of a house, ”Let _nothing_ enter here but what is _good_.”--”Then where will _the master_ go in?” asked a cynic.

MCDx.x.xIV.--THE FOOL OR KNAVE.

THY praise or dispraise is to me alike; One doth not _stroke_ me, nor the other _strike_.

MCDx.x.xV.--KNOWING HIS MAN.

AN attorney, not celebrated for his probity, was robbed one night on his way from Wicklow to Dublin. His father meeting Baron O'Grady next day, said, ”My lord, have you heard of my son's robbery?”--”No,” replied the baron; ”whom did _he rob_?”

MCDx.x.xVI.--A GOOD REASON FOR A BAD CAUSE.

AN eminent counsellor asked another why he so often undertook bad causes. ”Sir,” answered the lawyer, ”I have lost so many _good_ ones, that I am quite at a loss which to take.”

MCDx.x.xVII.--SELF-APPLAUSE.

SOME persons can neither stir hand nor foot without making it clear they are thinking of themselves, and laying little traps for approbation.--S.S.

MCDx.x.xVIII.--A WOODEN JOKE.

BURKE said of Lord Thurlow, ”He was a st.u.r.dy _oak_ at Westminster, and a _willow_ at St James's.”

MCDx.x.xIX.--AN OLD ADAGE REFUTED.

A SCHOLAR having fallen into the hands of robbers was fastened to a tree, and left so nearly a whole day, till one came and unloosed him.

”Now,” says he, ”the old adage must be false, which saith that the _tide_ tarrieth for no man.”

MCDXL.--THEATRICAL PURGATIONS.

A DRAMATIC author once observed that he knew nothing so terrible as reading his piece before a critical audience. ”I know but one more terrible,” said Compton, the actor, ”to be obliged to sit and _hear it_.”