Part 74 (2/2)
MCCCXXVIII.--SCOTCHMAN AND HIGHWAYMEN.
A SCOTCH pedestrian, attacked by three highwaymen, defended himself with great courage, but was at last overpowered, and his pockets rifled. The robbers expected, from the extraordinary resistance they had experienced, to find a rich booty; but were surprised to discover that the whole treasure which the st.u.r.dy Caledonian had been defending at the hazard of his life, was only a crooked sixpence. ”The deuse is in him,”
said one of the rogues: ”if he had had _eighteen-pence_ I suppose he would have _killed_ the whole of us.”
MCCCXXIX.--IRISH IMPRUDENCE.
IN the year 1797, when democratic notions ran high, the king's coach was attacked as his majesty was going to the House of Peers. A gigantic Hibernian, who was conspicuously loyal in repelling the mob, attracted the attention of the king. Not long after, the Irishman received a message from Mr. Dundas to attend at his office. He went, and met with a gracious reception from the great man, who praised his loyalty and courage, and desired him to point out any way in which he would wish to be advanced, his majesty being desirous to reward him. Pat hesitated a moment, and then smirkingly said, ”I'll tell you what, mister, make a _Scotchman_ of me, and, by St. Patrick, there'll be no fear of my gettin' on.” The minister, dumfounded for the moment by the _mal-apropos_ hit, replied, ”Make a _Scotchman_ of _you_, sir! that's impossible, for I can't give you _prudence_.”
MCCCx.x.x.--THE PIGS AND THE SILVER SPOON.
THE Earl of P---- kept a number of swine at his seat in Wilts.h.i.+re, and crossing the yard one day he was surprised to see the pigs gathered round one trough, and making a great noise. Curiosity prompted him to see what was the cause, and on looking into the trough he perceived a large silver spoon. A servant-maid came out, and began to abuse the pigs for crying so. ”Well they may,” said his lords.h.i.+p, ”when they have got but one _silver spoon_ among them all.”
MCCCx.x.xI.--A FALSE FACE TRUE.
THAT there is _falsehood_ in his looks I must and will deny; They say their master is a knave: And sure _they do not lie_.
MCCCx.x.xII.--A CONSIDERATE MAYOR.
A COUNTRY mayor being newly got into office, that he might be seen to do something in it, would persuade his brethren to have a new pair of gallows built; but one of the aldermen said, that they had an old pair which would serve well enough. ”Yea,” said the mayor, ”the old ones shall be to hang strangers on, and the new pair for _us and our heirs_ for ever.”
MCCCx.x.xIII.--THE SAFE SIDE.
DURING the riots of 1780, most persons in London, in order to save their houses from being burnt or pulled down, wrote on their doors, ”_No Popery_!” Old Grimaldi, the father of the celebrated ”Joey,” to avoid all mistakes, wrote on his, ”_No Religion_!”
MCCCx.x.xIV.--VISIBLY LOSING.
IN an election for the borough of Tallagh, Councillor Egan, or ”bully Egan,” as he was familiarly called, being an unsuccessful candidate, appealed to a Committee of the House of Commons. It was in the heat of a very warm summer, and Egan (who was an immensely stout man) was struggling through the crowd, his handkerchief in one hand, his wig in the other, and his whole countenance raging like the dog-star, when he met Curran. ”I'm sorry for you, my dear fellow,” said Curran. ”Sorry!
why so, Jack, why so? I'm perfectly at my ease.”--”Alas! Egan, it is but too visible that you're losing _tallow_ (Tallagh) fast!”
MCCCx.x.xV.--REASON FOR THICK ANKLES.
”HARRY, I cannot think,” says d.i.c.k, ”What makes my ankles grow so thick.”
”You do not recollect,” says Harry, ”_How great a calf_ they have to carry.”
MCCCx.x.xVI.--ERASMUS VERSUS LUTHER.
ERASMUS, of whom Cambridge has a right to be not a little proud, was entreated by Lord Mountjoy to attack the _errors_ of Luther. ”My lord,”
answered Erasmus, ”nothing is more easy than to say Luther is mistaken, and nothing more difficult than to _prove_ him so.”
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