Part 74 (1/2)
MCCCXIX.--A DEADLY WEAPON.
”WELL, sir,” asked a noisy disputant, ”don't you think that I have _mauled_ my antagonist to some purpose?”--”O yes,” replied a listener, ”you have,--and if ever I should happen to fight with the Philistines, I'll borrow _your jaw-bone_!”
MCCCXX.--EQUALITY OF THE LAW.
THE following cannot be omitted from a _Jest Book_, although somewhat lengthy:--
A man was convicted of bigamy, and the annexed conversation took place.--Clerk of a.s.size: ”What have you to say why judgment should not be pa.s.sed upon you according to law?” Prisoner: ”Well, my Lord, my wife took up with a hawker, and run away five years ago, and I've never seen her since, and I married this other woman last winter.” Mr. Justice Maule: ”I will tell you what you ought to have done; and if you say you did not know, I must tell you the law conclusively presumes that you did. You ought to have instructed your attorney to bring an action against the hawker for criminal conversation with your wife. That would have cost you about 100. When you had recovered substantial damages against the hawker, you would have instructed your proctor to sue in the Ecclesiastical Courts for a divorce _a mensa atque thoro_. That would have cost you 200 or 300 more. When you had obtained a divorce _a mensa atque thoro_, you would have had to appear by counsel before the House of Lords for a divorce _a vinculo matrimonii_. The bill might have been opposed in all its stages in both Houses of Parliament; and altogether you would have had to spend about 1000 or 1200. You will probably tell me that you never had a thousand farthings of your own in the world; but, prisoner, that makes no difference. Sitting here as a British judge, it is my duty to tell you that _this is not a country in which there is one law for the rich and another for the poor_.”
MCCCXXI.--OPEN CONFESSION.
IN a cause tried in the Court of Queen's Bench, the plaintiff being a widow, and the defendants two medical men who had treated her for _delirium tremens_, and put her under restraint as a lunatic, witnesses were called on the part of the plaintiff to prove that she was not addicted to drinking. The last witness called by Mr. Montagu Chambers, the leading counsel on the part of the plaintiff, was Dr. Tunstal, who closed his evidence by describing a case of _delirium tremens_ treated by him, in which the patient _recovered in a single night_. ”It was,”
said the witness, ”a case of gradual drinking, _sipping all day_, from morning till night.” These words were scarcely uttered, than Mr.
Chambers, turning to the Bench, said, ”My lord, _that is my case_.”
MCCCXXII.--QUITE PROFESSIONAL.
A COMEDIAN, who had been almost lifted from his feet by the pressure at the funeral of a celebrated tragedian, ultimately reached the church-door. Having recovered his breath, which had been suspended in the effort, he exclaimed, ”And so this is the last we shall ever see of him. Poor fellow! he has _drawn a full house_, though, to the end.”
MCCCXXIII.--ON DR. LETTSOM.
IF anybody comes to I, I physics, bleeds, and sweats 'em; If after that they like to die, Why, what care I, I Lettsom.
MCCCXXIV.--EQUITABLE LAW.
A RICH man made his will, leaving all he had to a company of fellow-citizens to dispose of, but reserving to his right heir ”such a portion as pleased them.” The heir having sued the company for his share of the property, the judge inquired whether they wished to carry out the will of the testator, and if so, what provision they proposed making for the heir? ”He shall have a tenth part,” said they, ”and we will retain for ourselves the other nine.”--”Take, then,” said the judge, ”the tenth part to yourselves, and leave the rest to the heir; for by the will he is to have what part '_pleaseth you_.'”
MCCCXXV.--IRISH AND SCOTCH LOYALTY.
WHEN George the Fourth went to Ireland, one of the ”pisintry” said to the toll-keeper as the king pa.s.sed through, ”Och, now! an' his majesty never paid the turnpike, an' how's that?”--”O, kings never does; we lets 'em go free,” was the answer. ”Then there's the dirty money for ye,”
says Pat; ”It shall never be said that the king came here, and found n.o.body to _pay the turnpike for him_.” Tom Moore told this story to Sir Walter Scott, when they were comparing notes as to the two royal visits.
”Now, Moore,” replied Scott, ”there ye have just the advantage of us: there was no want of enthusiasm here; the Scotch folk would have done anything in the world for his majesty, except _pay the turnpike_.”
MCCCXXVI.--RUNNING ACCOUNTS.
THE valet of a man of fas.h.i.+on could get no money from him, and therefore told him that he should seek another master, and begged he would pay him the arrears of his wages. The gentleman, who liked his servant, and was desirous of keeping him, said, ”True, I am in your debt, but your wages are _running on_.”--”That's the very thing,” answered the valet; ”I am afraid they are _running_ so fast, that I shall never _catch_ them.”
MCCCXXVII.--ON BLOOMFIELD, THE POET.
BLOOMFIELD, thy happy-omened name Ensures continuance to thy fame; Both sense and truth this verdict give.
While _fields_ shall _bloom_, thy name shall live!