Part 61 (1/2)

”AN attorney,” says Sterne, ”is the same thing to a barrister that an apothecary is to a physician, with this difference, that your lawyer does not deal in _scruples_.”

MLx.x.x.--GAMBLING.

I NEVER by chance hear the rattling of dice that it doesn't sound to me like the funeral bell of a whole family.--D.J.

MLx.x.xI.--SWEEPS.

WE feel for climbing boys as much as anybody can do; but what is a climbing boy in a chimney to a full-grown suitor in the Master's office!

MLx.x.xII.--SELF-CONCEIT.

HAIL, charming power of self-opinion!

For none are slaves in thy dominion; Secure in thee, the mind's at ease, The _vain_ have only _one_ to please.

MLx.x.xIII.--JAMES SMITH AND JUSTICE HOLROYD.

FORMERLY, it was customary, on emergencies, for the Judges to swear affidavits at their dwelling-houses. Smith was desired by his father to attend a Judge's chambers for that purpose; but being engaged to dine in Russell Square, at the next house to Mr. Justice Holroyd's, he thought he might as well save himself the disagreeable necessity of leaving the party at eight, by despatching his business at once, so, a few minutes before six, he boldly knocked at the Judge's and requested to speak to him on particular business. The Judge was at dinner, but came down without delay, swore the affidavit, and then gravely asked what was the pressing necessity that induced our friend to disturb him at that hour.

As Smith told his story, he raked his invention for a lie, but finding none fit for the purpose, he blurted out the truth: ”The fact is, my Lord, I am engaged to _dine_ at the next house--and--and----”--”And, sir, you thought you might as well _save_ your own dinner by _spoiling_ mine?”--”Exactly so, my Lord; but----”--”Sir, I wish you a good evening.” Though Smith brazened the matter out, he said he never was more frightened.

MLx.x.xIV.--A GOOD INVESTMENT.

AN English journal lately contained the following announcement: ”_To be sold_, one hundred and thirty lawsuits, the property of an attorney retiring from business. N.B. The clients are rich and obstinate.”

MLx.x.xV.--THE AGED YOUNG LADY.

AN old lady, being desirous to be thought younger than she was, said that she was but _forty_ years old. A student who sat near observed, that it must be quite true, for he had heard her repeat the same for the last _ten years_.

MLx.x.xVI--KEEPING TIME.

A GENTLEMAN at a musical party asked a friend, in a whisper, ”How he should stir the fire without interrupting the music.”--”_Between the bars_,” replied the friend.

MLx.x.xVII.--ENTERING THE LISTS.

THE Duke of B----, who was to have been one of the knights of the Eglinton tournament, was lamenting that he was obliged to excuse himself, on the ground of an attack of the gout. ”How,” said he, ”could I ever get my poor puffed legs into those abominable iron boots?”--”It will be quite as appropriate,” replied Hook, ”if your grace goes in your _list_ shoes.”

MLx.x.xVIII.--NOT IMPORTUNATE.

MRS. ROBISON (widow of the eminent professor of natural philosophy) having invited a gentleman to dinner on a particular day, he had accepted, with the reservation, ”If I am spared.”--”Weel, weel,” said Mrs. Robison, ”if ye're _dead_ I'll no' expect ye.”

MLx.x.xIX.--WITTY COWARD.

A FRENCH marquis having received several blows with a stick, which he never thought of resenting, a friend asked him, ”How he could reconcile it with his honor to suffer them to pa.s.s without notice?”--”Pooh!”