Part 60 (1/2)

MLXI.--IN WANT OF A HUSBAND.

A YOUNG lady was told by a married lady, that she had better precipitate herself from off the rocks of the Pa.s.saic falls into the basin beneath than _marry_. The young lady replied, ”I would, if I thought I should find a _husband_ at the bottom.”

MLXII.--THREE ENDS TO A ROPE.

A LAD applied to the captain of a vessel for a berth; the captain, wis.h.i.+ng to intimidate him, handed him a piece of rope, and said, ”If you want to make a good sailor, you must make three ends to the rope.”--”I can do it,” he readily replied; ”here is one, and here is another,--that makes two. Now, here's the _third_,” and he threw it overboard.

MLXIII.--THE REASON WHY.

FOOTE was once asked, why learned men are to be found in rich men's houses, and rich men never to be seen in those of the learned. ”Why,”

said he, ”the _first_ know what they want, but the _latter_ do not.”

MLXIV.--PERSONALITIES OF GARRICK AND QUIN.

WHEN Quin and Garrick performed at the same theatre, and in the same play, one night, being very stormy, each ordered a chair. To the mortification of Quin, Garrick's chair came up first. ”Let me get into the chair,” cried the surly veteran, ”let me get into the chair, and put little Davy into the lantern.”--”By all means,” rejoined Garrick, ”I shall ever be happy _to enlighten_ Mr. Quin in anything.”

MLXV.--BARK AND BITE.

LORD CLARE, who was much opposed to Curran, one day brought a Newfoundland dog upon the bench, and during Curran's speech turned himself aside and caressed the animal. Curran stopped. ”Go on, go on, Mr. Curran,” said Lord Clare. ”O, I beg a thousand pardons,” was the rejoinder; ”I really thought your lords.h.i.+p was employed in _consultation_.”

MLXVI.--A PRESSING REASON.

A TAILOR sent his bill to a lawyer for money; the lawyer bid the boy tell his master that he was not running away, but very busy at that time. The boy comes again, and tells him he must have the money. ”Did you tell your master,” said the lawyer, ”that I was not running away?”--”Yes, sir,” answered the boy; ”but he bade me tell you that _he was_.”

MLXVII.--SMALL WIT.

SIR GEORGE BEAUMONT once met Quin at a small dinner-party. There was a delicious pudding, which the master of the house, pus.h.i.+ng the dish towards Quin, begged him to taste. A gentleman had just before helped himself to an immense piece of it. ”Pray,” said Quin, looking first at the gentleman's plate and then at the dish, ”_which_ is the pudding?”

MLXVIII.--EPIGRAM ON A STUDENT BEING PUT OUT OF COMMONS FOR MISSING CHAPEL.

TO fast and pray we are by Scripture taught: Oh could I do but either as I ought!

In both, alas! I err; my frailty such,-- I pray too little, and I fast too much.

MLXIX.--MAKING PROGRESS.

A STUDENT, being asked what progress he had made in the study of medicine, modestly replied: ”I hope I shall soon be fully qualified as physician, for I think I am now able to _cure a child_.”

MLXX.--THE WOOLSACK.

COLMAN and Banister dining one day with Lord Erskine, the ex-Chancellor, amongst other things, observed that he had then about three thousand head of sheep. ”I perceive,” interrupted Colman, ”your lords.h.i.+p has still an eye to the woolsack.”