Part 56 (1/2)
CMXC.--THE TRUTH BY ACCIDENT.
ONE communion Sabbath, the precentor observed the n.o.ble family of ---- approaching the tables, and likely to be kept out by those pressing in before them. Being very zealous for their accommodation, he called out to an individual whom he considered the princ.i.p.al obstacle in clearing the pa.s.sage, ”Come back, Jock, and let in the n.o.ble family of ----,” and then turning to his psalm-book, took up his duty, and went on to read the line, ”Nor stand _in sinners' way_.”
CMXCI.--ENCOURAGEMENT.
A YOUNG counsel commenced his stammering speech with the remark, ”The unfortunate client who appears by me--” and then he came to a full stop; beginning again, after an embarra.s.sed pause with a repet.i.tion of the remark, ”My unfortunate client--.” He did not find his fluency of speech quickened by the calm raillery of the judge, who interposed, in his softest tone, ”Pray go on, so far the court is quite _with you_.”
CMXCII.--FALSE ESTIMATE.
KEAN once played _Young Norval_ to Mrs. Siddons's _Lady Randolph_: after the play, as Kean used to relate, Mrs. Siddons came to him, and patting him on the head, said, ”You have played very well, sir, very well. It's a pity,--but there's _too little_ of you to do anything.”
Coleridge said of this ”little” actor: ”Kean is original; but he copies from himself. His rapid descent from the hyper-tragic to the infra-colloquial, though sometimes productive of great effect, are often unreasonable. To see him act, is like reading 'Shakespeare' by flashes of lightning. I do not think him thorough-bred gentleman enough to play _Oth.e.l.lo_.”
CMXCIII.--AMERICAN PENANCE.
AS for me, as soon as I hear that the last farthing is paid to the last creditor, I will appear on my knees at the bar of the Pennsylvanian Senate in the plumeopicean robe of American controversy. Each Conscript Jonathan shall trickle over me a few drops of tar, and help to decorate me with those penal plumes in which the vanquished reasoner of the transatlantic world does homage to the physical superiority of his opponents.--S.S.
CMXCIV.--A MONEY-LENDER.
THE best fellow in the world, sir, to get money of; for as he sends you half cash, half wine, why, if you can't take up his bill, you've always poison at hand for a remedy.--D.J.
CMXCV.--A BAD MEDIUM.
A MAN, who pretended to have seen a ghost, was asked what the ghost said to him? ”How should I understand,” replied the narrator, ”what he said?
I am not skilled in any of the _dead_ languages.”
CMXCVI.--TAKING A HINT.
THE Bishop preached: ”My friends,” said he, ”How sweet a thing is charity, The choicest gem in virtue's casket!”
”It is, indeed,” sighed miser B., ”And instantly I'll go and--ask it.”
CMXCVII.--SWEARING THE PEACE.
AN Irishman, swearing the peace against his three sons, thus concluded his affidavit: ”And this deponent further saith, that the only one of his children who showed him any real filial affection was his youngest son Larry, for he _never struck him when he was down_!”
CMXCVIII.--THE RULING Pa.s.sION.
THE death of Mr. Holland, of Drury Lane Theatre, who was the son of a _baker_ at Chiswick, had a very great effect upon the spirits of Foote, who had a very warm friends.h.i.+p for him. Being a legatee, as well as appointed by the will of the deceased one of his bearers, he attended the corpse to the family vault at Chiswick, and there very sincerely paid a plentiful tribute of tears to his memory. On his return to town, Harry Woodward asked him if he had not been paying the last compliment to his friend Holland? ”Yes, poor fellow,” says Foote, almost weeping at the same time, ”I have just seen him _shoved_ into the _family oven_.”
CMXCIX.--A SANITARY AIR.