Part 55 (2/2)

CMLx.x.xII.--LINGUAL INFECTION.

A FAs.h.i.+ONABLE Irish gentleman, driving a good deal about Cheltenham, was observed to have the not very graceful habit of lolling his tongue out as he went along. Curran, who was there, was asked what he thought could be his countryman's motive for giving the instrument of eloquence such an airing. ”Oh!” said he, ”he's trying _to catch_ the English accent.”

CMLx.x.xIII.--PORSON _versus_ DR. JOWETT.

DR. JOWETT, who was a _small_ man, was permitted by the head of his college to cultivate a strip of vacant ground. This gave rise to some _jeux d'esprit_ among the wags of the University, which induced him to alter it into a plot of gravel, and Porson burst forth with the following extemporaneous lines:--

A _little_ garden _little_ Jowett made, And fenced it with a _little_ palisade; Because this garden made a _little_ talk, He changed it to a _little_ gravel walk; And now, if more you'd know of _little_ Jowett, A _little_ time, it will a _little_ show it.

CMLx.x.xIV.--BREVITY OF CHARITY.

BREVITY is in writing what charity is to all other virtues.

Righteousness is worth nothing without the one, nor authors.h.i.+p without the other.

CMLx.x.xV.--HIGH GAMING.

BARON N., once playing at cards, was guilty of an _odd trick_; on which his opponent threw him out of the window of a one-pair-of-stairs room.

The baron meeting Foote complained of this usage, and asked what he should do? ”Do,” says the wit, ”never play _so high_ again as long as you live.”

CMLx.x.xVI.--HARD OF DIGESTION.

QUIN had been dining, and his host expressed his regret that he could offer no more wine, as he had lost the key of his wine-cellar. While the coffee was getting ready the host showed his guest some natural curiosities, and among the rest an ostrich. ”Do you know, sir, that this bird has one very remarkable property--he will swallow iron?”--”Then very likely,” said Quin, ”he has swallowed the _key_ of your _wine-cellar_!”

CMLx.x.xVII.--A MONSTER.

SYDNEY SMITH said that ”the Court of Chancery was like a boa-constrictor, which swallowed up the estates of English gentlemen in haste, and digested them at leisure.”

CMLx.x.xVIII.--SAILOR'S WEDDING.

A JACK-TAR just returned from sea, determined to commit matrimony, but at the altar the parson demurred, as there was not cash enough between them to pay the fees: on which Jack, thrusting a few s.h.i.+llings into the sleeve of his ca.s.sock, exclaimed, ”Never mind, brother, marry us as _far as it will go_.”

CMLx.x.xIX.--QUID PRO QUO.

SMITH and Brown, running opposite ways round a corner, struck each other. ”Oh dear!” says Smith, ”how you made my head ring!”--”That's a sign it's hollow,” said Brown. ”Didn't yours _ring_?” said Smith. ”No,”

said Brown. ”That's a sign it's _cracked_,” replied his friend.

<script>